Mar 26

Dear Infertility Virgin,

Welcome to the club! As a seasoned infertile, we would like to pass along a few pieces of advice as you start your (extremely long) journey towards motherhood. 

- Start trying on your wedding night
What? You and your partner are not ready yet? Who cares. After your 24th BFN, you’ll wish you started on your honeymoon or on your first date.

- See an RE after one month of trying
Most medical professionals will tell you to try naturally for one year before seeing a specialist. They got that wrong. You’ll  try for one month, then another, then another and then you’ll have to wait a few months until you can get an appointment with your doctor. By that time, it’s almost a year anyways. Be proactive.

- You will do strange things to enhance your fertility
You will read many books on how to get pregnant and you’ll try strange things including a full headstand after intercourse and eating pineapple in excess during your two week wait.

- You will soon know what “cervical mucus” is and looks like
Never heard of ovulation or cervical mucus before? You are about to become an expert and graduate of Cervical Mucus Academy. Don’t be surprised if you start using these words in daily sentences and you will soon know how to spell ‘Intrauterine insemination’ and all fertility medications.

- You will cry in random places after getting your period
You will go into a bathroom stall completely normal and leave in tears. Don’t be surprised if you have emotional breakdowns in public and in front of your boss. If you’re going to sob a lot, pick your favorite ‘designated crying area’ and bring some tissues.

- Your mother will clip out articles about infertility for you
Some articles will be useful but most will just make you want to cry. Continue to love your mother but don’t read all the articles.

- You will be jealous of anything that gets pregnant
It won’t matter if it’s a pregnant dog, cat, fish or Barbie Doll, when someone (or something) gets pregnant before you, you will feel jealous. And then you will pretend that you aren’t.

- It will feel like everyone on Facebook is pregnant
And it’s sort of true.

- You will examine the toilet paper a little too much
Each time you go to the toilet, you will examine that toilet paper and then examine it further if you see any signs of redness. There will come a time where it looks pink but it will turn out to be your  finger behind the wet tissue.

- If you relax, it still won’t happen
You could send your uterus to a week long meditation and relaxation retreat and it still won’t come back pregnant.

….But then one day, it will happen. You just have to keep believing.

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30 Responses to “#675 Bootcamp for New Infertiles”

  1. says:

    i really could have used this “manual” when i first started TTC over 8 years ago. we’re just now going through fertility treatments, but if i knew then what i know now… ha ha! thanks for the laugh!

  2. says:

    My favorite post yet! Besides being funny (as always!)…this is all the stuff I wish someone would have told me! (just how you say it)

    We spend our 20’s hoping we don’t get pregnant…and our 30’s/40’s wishing we were!

  3. And may I add, you will break so many basal body thermometers along the way. Not because you’ll get clumsy while trying to conceive, but because every time your temperature drops on the last day of your cycle, you’d want to smash it into pieces!

  4. says:

    Haha I actually would give some opposite advice:

    Don’t start TTC right away: if you turn out to be fertile you’ll have a baby before you’re ready, and if you’re infertile you won’t get to enjoy just being a normal, happy married couple before ruining your life with TTC!

    Relax – not because it’ll help you get pregnant, it won’t, but because TTC is stressful and it’s a good idea to relax for your own good!

  5. says:

    You know, I actually remember telling my husband I wanted to start sooner, because, hey, you never known, it could take us a while (even up to a year…ack). He insisted I was being silly, so we waited a while longer….friends, don’t let this happen to you!

  6. says:

    Awesome. I just might start including this with the wedding cards!!!

    I would second the bullet that waiting a year before seeing an RE is BULL SH*T. I tell everyone I know to try for six months MAX, then get thee to a RE ASAP!!!

    I would also add: Before you even start trying, get yourself a Semen Analysis and some day 3 bloodwork. These oh so simple and inexpensive tests could save you months of pointless agony. (My GYN offered us testing for CF for $500, but an SA and CD3 bloodwork would have only cost $100 and saved us oh so much misery!)

  7. says:

    I totally regret all of those times I prayed that I wouldn’t get pregnant…..maybe God took me too serious and thought I ment forever.

    I absolutly agree DONT WAIT A YEAR to see a RE.

    Great list.

  8. says:

    Oh all those times looking at the pee stick and being relieved it was negative. Ha! Now when I see a BFN I start crying. How times have changed!

  9. Laura says:

    Was this to me?? Did you know that I’ve been secretly reading this?? We are approaching the 6 mo. mark and I didn’t know if I was “allowed” here yet. Thanks for the advice ;)

  10. sassyntubeless says:

    ha ha meditation for the uterus!! funny! my friend says that my uterus needs to stop being inhospitable and needs to throw out a welcome mat and learn to bake some cookies :)

  11. Hee hee. You all make me laugh.

    Laura- Thanks for coming out and commenting! Anyone is welcome on this blog, no matter your situation (and as long as you have some kind of sense of humor!). The blog is set up for commenting anonymously or using your real name, so please comment/vent anytime here!

  12. scandinavian endo girl, angel mom. says:

    I agree, do not wait a year to see an RE. We did and the waitinglist was long, so our first appointment were 18 months after starting our journey. Our first ICSI 6 months after that, due to waiting for surgery to confirm and burn endometriosis…
    Why, oh why didn´t we start TTC the day we met?

    I wish for a hospitable uterus that can keep a baby alive, and carry it to term.

    I´m on medication for my first FER after our little angel came, and we are starting year 4. The dreaded phonecall is tomorrow, will the embryo survive?

    Naomi, don´t know what I wolud do without your blog *hug*

  13. Alexandra's mum says:

    LOL…This was a great post!!!

    I especially liked the one about “Your mom cuts out articles on infertility”. That is SO my mom, and I’ve gotten a bunch of those articles. If anything, they made me more anxious!

  14. Infertility virgin will also look at PMS in a different way. I call it Pregnancy Malfunction Syndrome!

  15. says:

    We started trying on our wedding night…almost 3 years & 6 IUIs (all BFFNs) ago. Ha! IVF #1 is tentatively scheduled for June. I’m hopeful, but also realistic.

  16. Tami says:

    I could have used this when we first started trying. After much agony, stress and tears we were blessed with twins. Now we are starting to try again and I finally found an OBGYN who gets it. This time, I will have an ultrasound on day 12 of my first cycle of trying to see if I’m even producing follicles. If not, she’s sending me straight back to my RE. There are great doctors out there. My old one was nice and smart, but she just didn’t get what we were going through, this one does…she has IFV twins herself.

  17. Mihoshi says:

    Thank you for the posting. I haven’t really had anyone to talk to about this and everything I went through, you’ve nailed.

    After 2 years of marriage and trying… I just found out that I am infertile last month after finally getting tested. My DR told my husband and I the first time we visited him that it takes 7 months to conceive. When we went to him again around the 6 month mark, he said 12 months to conceive; then he said 18 months… last time we saw him he said something similar again. That’s when we decided to see another DR when he was on vacation. Had the some tests done; we were both normal… after asking my DR what was wrong with me, we finally did a complete round of tests including an ultrasound… and a special camera inside me… we found out that I am infertile.

    I remember before being ready for kids and praying to GOD that I wasn’t pregnant and now all I wish is to be pregnant.

    Your article brought tears of pain (from realizing the truth) and laughter to me. Everything (except magazine articles) was true. My parents seem to think that I just need to drink some magical wonder drink to fix this… As for the BMT chart… I have recently upgraded my dinosour phone to a smart phone and discovered the WomanLog App. It calculates your fertility days, you can mark when you make love, creates a BMT chart and predicts when your next period is. I’ve found this app to be useful and hope others find it useful too.

    Again, thank you for writing this; I don’t feel as I am alone as I thought I was.

  18. C says:

    Also, it’s a good idea to get a full fertility work-up before you get married, not because you will change your mind about who you’re marrying.. just so you know what you’re in for.. I wish we did! Nothing says “Will you marry me?” like a paper showing millions of motile sperm!

  19. says:

    (@ C’s comment)..and nothing could bring down the mood of a wedding than a paper showing exactly ZERO. :(

  20. Toni says:

    HA! I’ve eaten so much pineapple, I’m afraid I’m going to sprout spiky green leaves out the top of my head. Here’s a tip on the toilet paper checking, don’t wear underwear or jeans with pink threads. This just confuses things.

  21. 7 years and counting says:

    doctors and nurses and needles and cups, oh my!

  22. Sharyn says:

    Hilarious, and if only someone had shared these with me 11 years ago when I got married! Hoping 2011 brings us all BFP’s!! Love this site!

  23. says:

    Oh yes, my mother likes to tell me whenever Oprah or Ellen or The View or Dr. Oz says or has anything to do with infertility/sperm/pregnancy on their show. Thanks Mom.

    We started TTC very, very shortly after we met. I disagree with the poster that said “Don’t start TTC right away… if you’re infertile you won’t get to enjoy just being a normal, happy married couple before ruining your life with TTC!” The fact that the majority of our relationship has been TTC/infertility filled has made us a stronger couple. And I don’t think it has ruined our life. It’s a horrible journey that I wouldn’t wish on anyone, but we’ve learned a lot about ourselves as a couple and as individuals and I wouldn’t change that for anything.

    Love your blog, some of these are sooo true. I wish I didn’t examine my toilet paper or know what CM was. And my designated crying spot is the bathroom at work. ;)

  24. Jamie says:

    Oh I am sooooo glad I stumbled upon this blog tonight. I really needed a good laugh. And I laugh because I have experienced some of these things all too often… ie the toilet paper, and yet never thought that there are a world of infertile women doing the same thing! Thank you!

  25. Michelle says:

    I too, am glad I stumbled across this.

    It’s been too many tests and too many months.
    Damn you PCOS, I just want to be normal.

    It’s nice to know you’re not alone. It’s like the quote I read today, there are millions of infertile people, then why the f am I the only one not pregnant?

  26. Bobbi says:

    Just want to say I totally agree with the…you will hate anything that is pregnant, a dog, a person, a gold fish…lol

    two people announced they were pregnant at my job yesterday, and i found out my cousin is having a baby girl, the baby’s sex was confirmed yesterday by ultrasound…talk about double wammie…lol

    I am finding strength in praying and asking god to make me a less jealous person, and leaving things in his hands…I have been ttc for over one year, and failed multiple cycles of clomid…don’t know what the next step is…bye lovelys!

  27. claire says:

    this is so funny and i love it… it’s so true with me about the toilet paper and i get too paranoid about it..LOL… and evenget jealous of my pregnant labrador..hahaha!

  28. Leslie says:

    So glad I found this blog…,humor is definitely needed right about now. 6 months after having one of my tubes removed I’m finally starting to lose it. I think all mu friends and family are tired of hearing about it and tired of the random bouts of crying…good to laugh about it and know I’m not alone.

  29. Jenny says:

    Thanks for allowing me to relate and laugh through my tears!!! I LOVE the TP comment…I just did that!!!!

  30. says:

    Bahahaha! I LOVE this site. My hubby and I have been TTC for about 16 months now and I am about to start Clomid. #1 is so true. I always think we shouldn’t have waited and just started 5 years ago when we got married. Thanks for the comic relief in all the pain :)