Jun 22

Your wedding vows were nice but if you could go back and do it all over again, this is what you should have said…

I (insert your name here) take you (Darling Husband) to be my lawfully wedded husband. I promise to love you and give you all the intercourse you desire (but only on days 10 through 20). I promise to spend the next 4 years trying to conceive our first child and changing from the lovely woman you see here today into a raging hormonal mess. I promise to cry each month when I get my period and take out all of my aggression and mood swings on you. I promise to further create a rocky marriage by forcing you to go to fertility clinics, take numerous sperm tests and turn our sex life into a scheduled appointment. I promise to interrupt your night out with the guys if I’m ovulating and then confide in my girlfriends and your mother about your low sperm count. I promise to throw out all your briefs and make you wear boxers all of the time. I will force you to stop going into hot tubs and make sure that you stay clear of a bicycle. I promise that my thin body will soon turn into whale-like shape due to fertility drugs and weight gain and my skin will break out like a teenager.

Finally, I promise to take you home tonight, on our wedding night, and try to conceive whether you are ready or not for a baby, and hopefully we will be pregnant 9 months from now.

6 Responses to “#966 What your wedding vows should have read”

  1. Dianne says:

    Hilarious! I also make my hubby stay away from peas because I read somewhere at sometime that they are bad for sperm!

    We are so bad!!!

  2. Clare says:

    Yeah I so should have said this. But then I think he would have gone running for the hills! Ha ha ha!

  3. Infertile "hoping to be fertile" Naomi says:

    My husband just ate peas with his dinner! OMG!!

  4. jill says:

    too funny!!!! never ever knew about the peas thing….. but i DID keep d away from hot tubs and bikes. and threw away all of his tight undies too. while he was at work. needless to say, he wasn't happy. ohhhh well. ha!

  5. BB says:

    Hilarious… you have an awesome sense of humor! Oh and btw about the peas (inspite of them being so nutritious)… I have read that they are natural contraceptives… so not too good for women either (supposedly)!

  6. FailingAtBabyMakin' says:

    I haven’t even seen a pea in YEARS!