Jun 22

There’s one… There’s one… There’s one… Oh wait. She’s just fat. Thank goodness.

Every time you leave the house, it feels like every single pregnant woman on earth decides to walk past you. Every place you turn, someone’s pregnant, sporting a baby bump, pushing a stroller or even worse, pushing a stroller with a baby inside AND holding onto a toddler’s hand. Continue reading »

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Jan 13

The “You Know You’re Infertile When” series continues….

  1. You find out your mother’s friend’s dry cleaner’s daughter’s Facebook friend’s second cousin’s once removed is pregnant through IVF, and you are still jealous.
  2. You wear loose fitting shirts and pretend to waddle so people think that you’re pregnant.
  3. You inspect the toilet paper and your vaginal discharge at least 10 times a day.
  4. You anticipate hearing pregnancy announcements every time you see your friends.
  5. You’ve tried to increase your basal temperature by urinating while you take your temp.
  6. You feel your breasts, subtly, in public for signs of tenderness.
  7. You stop drinking coffee but then you cheat often.
  8. Excessive burping and farting during the two week wait excites you.
  9. You won’t use the telephone for the entire day knowing the fertility clinic will be calling.
  10. You always look at a stranger’s belly to see if she’s pregnant, and if she is, you glare at her.

Jan 11

If you are a true infertility, you know what the acronym TTC means because you chart your BBT almost everyday. But a serious infertile also knows the full infertility acronyms, SCREW YOU, style.

RE – Retriever of eggs.
BBT – Barren but terrific.
TTC – Trying to come.
– Why the fuck am I not pregnant yet?
ITOPWIP – I’m the only person who isn’t pregnant.
YHTBITYALSDYT – You had two babies in two years? A little slutty, don’t you think?
MFAAPAAMEAITF – My friends are all pregnant and all my embryos are in the freezer.
ICEGPWTPTSRITE – I can’t even get pregnant when they put the sperm right into the egg.
WIOB – Where is our baby?
IDWTHYPN – I don’t want to hear your pregnancy news.
CMIMFTOM – Cervical mucus is my favorite type of mucus.
WRAIDH – We relaxed and it didn’t happen.
PTATD - Pregnancy tests are the devil.
IGHOFA – I get high on (folic) acid.
ILAMVDMTILAMH – I look at my vaginal discharge more than I look at my husband.
IWSMFCIIHT – I will stalk my fertility clinic if I have to.
IWTSBBIKTTIMH – I want to steal babies but I keep that thought in my head.

WSHH…… We still have hope.

Dec 28

Is it your period or is it implantation bleeding? It’s a special moment in your marriage when your husband suddenly becomes the ‘Sanitary Napkin Expert.’

“Let me see,” he will say as you sit on the toilet analyzing your red colored urine and spotting pad. Initially, you will refuse but since you have no shame left, you will let him see. He will stand over the toilet bowl observing the color of your urine and review your diaper-like sanitary pad. He suddenly becomes the expert in blood clots and your menstrual cycle. “The right side of the pad looks slightly browner than the left with a consistent circular pattern,” he observes. “And your urine definitely looks more pink than yellow. This coming from the man who once thought your Maxi Pad was a mini pillow for a small dog. Now, he examines and analyzes almost as much as you do.

If you don’t think this will happen to you and your partner, just wait. He will become the Sanitary Napkin Expert one day.

Dec 14

You take the telephone to the toilet.

Your entire day revolves around that important phone call from your fertility nurse. When is she going to call? Why hasn’t she phoned yet? Maybe you should call the office. You wait for that call, sometimes all day, to hear the news – your blood work looks great, your embryos are multiplying, the doctor can fit you in tomorrow, your pregnancy test results are in. During the day, you will double check to make sure the phone doesn’t have a busy signal, you ensure your answering machine is working and you’ll you hang up on anyone who isn’t your RE. “I’ll call you back, mom. I’m sure you can tell me all about your emergency after 3pm. Just drive yourself to the hospital.”

Waiting all day for that phone call requires drastic measures to be taken. That phone MUST accompany you at all times. If you’re sitting on the toilet, enjoying a magazine, chances are the phone is right next to you. Should the phone ring, the nurse might hear a slight strain in your voice, delightful gassy background noises and the sound of a flush. For those checking for your period or drinking an excessive amount of water to prevent Ovarian Hyperstimulation, you visit that toilet at least once an hour. Phone sits on lap, butt sits on toilet.

If your husband asks you why the phone is wet, just say you accidentally urinated on it and not to use numbers 1-6. A good husband would understand.

photo: here