May 27

Urinephobia:  Definition. Fear of peeing following baby-making sex, an IUI or an IVF transfer. Affecting only women dealing with infertility.  Continue reading »

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Jan 21

The infertility advice.

It comes from anyone and everyone from your Great Aunt Mildred (“In my day, I would drink a special tea to get pregnant”) to your eyebrow waxing lady (“I got pregnant by getting really drunk“). Did we ask for your advice? It seems that everyone believes they are qualified to hand out infertility advice but somehow it’s not reciprocal. Your mommy friend can give you advice on your IVF treatment but you can’t give her parenting tips?

: Little Tommy just won’t sleep through the night. We’re currently trying the Cryhiseyesout method but nothing seems to be working.
YOU: Have you tried a routine and putting him to bed every night at the same time? (Her look says, why is this childless woman giving me parenting advice?)

YOU: We’re going for our fourteenth IVF cycle next month.
MF: I heard putting pillows under your behind after sex will help.
(Your look says, that was so five years ago, lady).

Great news! Everyone is allowed to give you infertility advice and you are not allowed to give out any advice whatsoever. Great. That seems completely fair.

photo: here

Jan 13

The “You Know You’re Infertile When” series continues….

  1. You find out your mother’s friend’s dry cleaner’s daughter’s Facebook friend’s second cousin’s once removed is pregnant through IVF, and you are still jealous.
  2. You wear loose fitting shirts and pretend to waddle so people think that you’re pregnant.
  3. You inspect the toilet paper and your vaginal discharge at least 10 times a day.
  4. You anticipate hearing pregnancy announcements every time you see your friends.
  5. You’ve tried to increase your basal temperature by urinating while you take your temp.
  6. You feel your breasts, subtly, in public for signs of tenderness.
  7. You stop drinking coffee but then you cheat often.
  8. Excessive burping and farting during the two week wait excites you.
  9. You won’t use the telephone for the entire day knowing the fertility clinic will be calling.
  10. You always look at a stranger’s belly to see if she’s pregnant, and if she is, you glare at her.

Jan 08

As Seinfeld puts it, sometimes we just don’t want to see the baby. Only an infertile would understand why…. Continue reading »

Dec 14

You take the telephone to the toilet.

Your entire day revolves around that important phone call from your fertility nurse. When is she going to call? Why hasn’t she phoned yet? Maybe you should call the office. You wait for that call, sometimes all day, to hear the news – your blood work looks great, your embryos are multiplying, the doctor can fit you in tomorrow, your pregnancy test results are in. During the day, you will double check to make sure the phone doesn’t have a busy signal, you ensure your answering machine is working and you’ll you hang up on anyone who isn’t your RE. “I’ll call you back, mom. I’m sure you can tell me all about your emergency after 3pm. Just drive yourself to the hospital.”

Waiting all day for that phone call requires drastic measures to be taken. That phone MUST accompany you at all times. If you’re sitting on the toilet, enjoying a magazine, chances are the phone is right next to you. Should the phone ring, the nurse might hear a slight strain in your voice, delightful gassy background noises and the sound of a flush. For those checking for your period or drinking an excessive amount of water to prevent Ovarian Hyperstimulation, you visit that toilet at least once an hour. Phone sits on lap, butt sits on toilet.

If your husband asks you why the phone is wet, just say you accidentally urinated on it and not to use numbers 1-6. A good husband would understand.

photo: here