Aug 13

#922 The real ways to enhance your fertility

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As a veteran infertile, you already know that are many ways to enhance your fertility including:

  1. Getting regular exercise.
  2. Take Folic Acid.
  3. Avoid artificial lubricants.
  4. Do it on the right days.
  5. Reduce caffeine and alcohol.
  6. Relax.
  7. Keep his parts nice and cool.
  8. Assume the right position.
  9. Chart your temperature.
  10. Do it every 48 hours if his sperm count is low.

…Blah, Blah, Blah. BORING!

You have tried all of these ways but nothing seems to work. You’re no doctor, but perhaps you’ve been getting the wrong advice about how to increase your fertility. According to no particular article or source, here are the real ways to enhance your fertility:

  1. Do it in a public place, preferably under an apple tree.
  2. Take a piece of broccoli and swallow whole.
  3. Do a full handstand after intercourse, followed by a full back flip. Your husband’s applause will increase his sperm count.
  4. Eat a bowl of melted chocolate without a spoon following intercourse.
  5. Have intercourse before Oprah but never during Dr. Phil.
  6. Create a fertility dance to a Paula Abdul song (other artists won’t be as effective).
  7. Melt 4 marshmallows and let sit overnight. Rub on your husband/partner’s nipples at 3:07pm the following day.
  8. Wear purple on odd numbered days, blue on even.
  9. Drink 4 tablespoons of wine from a baby bottle every Tuesday after sundown.
  10. Glue a tampon to your doorbell.

According to many anonymous specialists, these ways will enhance your fertility if attempted on the third of every month.

22 Responses to “#922 The real ways to enhance your fertility”

  1. Busted Tube says:
    2009/08/13 at 9:26 am

    You've been awarded a 'One Lovely Blog' award- probably more than once :-)Details on my blog.

  2. Anonymous says:
    2009/08/13 at 9:28 am

    This is the best one yet!
    -Mandie

  3. InfertileNaomi says:
    2009/08/13 at 9:33 am

    Thanks Busted Tube! Great name for a site.

  4. Goodyear Family says:
    2009/08/13 at 9:39 am

    That was great…

  5. Jami says:
    2009/08/13 at 10:45 am

    Found out I'm not pregnant AGAIN today. I needed a laugh and came straight here. Thanks for not failing me. :)Keep up the laughs!

  6. Illanare says:
    2009/08/13 at 1:17 pm

    I nominated you for an award on my blog

  7. Aunt Flo says:
    2009/08/13 at 1:44 pm

    I laughed so hard I farted in my cube.

  8. InfertileNaomi says:
    2009/08/13 at 2:00 pm

    Thanks for the award! Love it.
    o
    Aunt Flo- my aplogies to your co-workers. Halarious.

  9. Michele says:
    2009/08/13 at 2:30 pm

    Falling off my chair laughing : )

  10. Laura says:
    2009/08/13 at 3:34 pm

    Thanks! I SOOOOOO needed a laugh! Ahhhh. I just heard from my one of my best friends that she is pregnant with her 2nd kid, and she wasn't even trying or anything…she said she didn't know if she should mention it to me. Now I'm turning into the infertility pariah! AHHHHH! Time to put a tampon on the doorbell! :-)Thanks…loved it.

  11. junebug says:
    2009/08/14 at 1:31 am

    Love it! It beats have the "great advice" I've been given over the years. :-)

  12. MelissaP05 says:
    2009/08/14 at 7:45 am

    I'm giggling and that's a first especially at work in my lonely cubicle. Thanks for offering the best IF advice yet!

  13. Best When Used By says:
    2009/08/14 at 8:39 am

    Thank you for finding my blog and leaving a comment. Especially because it helped me find YOUR blog, which is making me grin and laugh like a school girl. Gee, I wish I'd known about the chocolate from a bowl without a spoon…that sounds so good! Who knew?

  14. liberalgranolagirl says:
    2009/08/14 at 10:51 am

    Holy crap, I am laughing so freaking hard right now!!!

  15. Jenny H. says:
    2009/08/16 at 8:02 am

    I really am laughing hard…my husband just asked me "what's so funny"…he thinks I'm nuts heehee!

    I've decided that since it works for so many other women, getting so drunk I forget the name of the guy I'm sleeping with (my husband) will result in pregnance…I have yet to try this theory…what do you think? lol

  16. Anonymous says:
    2009/09/21 at 10:13 am

    Seriously, I'm laughing so hard I'm crying. Or am I crying so hard I'm laughing???

  17. Rach says:
    2009/09/21 at 8:28 pm

    Truly genius.

  18. juniper76 says:
    2010/01/19 at 4:40 am

    Love it! I couldn't help but laugh out loud at the last one! :D

  19. 2ww says:
    2011/01/25 at 2:21 pm

    I like the idea of the doorbell tampon. When someone comes to the door and pulls it, it will come off and you can answer the door and look disgusted and scornful at the weird person at your door with a tampon in their hand! It will be good for the sanity to shriek at a stranger then giggle uncontrollably when you shut the door ha ha ha ha. Ok I need to get out more!!! X x

  20. daisie says:
    2011/05/25 at 10:14 am

    Laughing so hard am crying. Which makes a change from the normal reason! This little gem is also getting printed out and sellotaped to the inside of the bathroom cabinet – right next to “Wipe Clear and Have No Fear”. Thank you for this beacon of wondrousness in this murky pit of despair xx

  21. Testking 70-680 says:
    2011/10/17 at 5:39 am

    Thank you for finding my blog and leave a comment. Especially because it helped me to find your blog, that makes me smile and laugh like a school girl. Gee, I wish I did not know chocolate in a bowl without a spoon … that sounds so good!

  22. Narnia says:
    2012/05/29 at 1:06 am

    You sure do know how to lift a gals spirits!! Keep up the good work….

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