Aug 14

The next NY Times bestseller: The Fertility Diet Does Not Work by Dr. Infertile Naomi.

You have read all the books about fertility and diet, but with no pregnancy to show for it. Does a diet really boost your chances of getting pregnant? The experts say it does but the real experts (the infertiles) know the truth.

This fertility diet says:

1) Eat dark greens
You once ate spinach and broccoli everyday during your ovulation cycle. How did that work out for you?
Better alternative: green M&M’s and a glass of green beer during Saint Patrick’s Day.

2) Drink Raspberry Leaf Tea
You once let this tea steep for 24 hours and drank it cold. Mmmm. It was gross.
Better alternative: Raspberry chocolate layer cake? It may not increase your infertility but it sure tastes good.

3) No alcohol
You don’t drink during your cycle but when you know you’re not pregnant, watch out bars! You are the only infertile at Alcoholics Anonymous.
Better alternative: Veal with wine sauce, Tiramisu, a plate of cookies with Baileys poured directly on the cookies.

4) Limit your caffeine
You love your coffee in the morning and have switched to decaf. But during your periods, you would pour the caffeine directly into your veins, if you could.
Better alternative: drink bad coffee days 5-20 and expensive coffee days 1-5.

5) Drink more calcium
Studies say that 1,000 milligrams of calcium may improve his sperm count.
Better alternative: You know what else will improve his sperm count? Whip cream and chocolate sauce during baby-making sex.

Face it, the fertility diet does not work. So let your baby at least enjoy a morning coffee with a nice liquor.

8 Responses to “#921 The fertility diet doesn’t work”

  1. Kacy says:

    Ha, I sooooo agree. And why do all the fertility diets suggest you eat beans??? Don't ya think that is counter-productive? All it does is ensure that your husband can't come near you. Pewwwww!

  2. babyhopes says:

    When I had my pre-conception appointment with my OB/GYN, she told me to take prenatal vitamins for three months before starting to try. I said something about this to one of my co-workers who is one of those "oops! I'm pregnant" people (the one time I accidentally sat at the fertile's lunch table), and she said, "well, not everyone has that much advance time before becoming pregnant." Nice.

    I have now taken something like 600 prenatal vitamins.

  3. Anonymous says:

    I was all gung-ho with the no drinking, eating well, and taking pre-natals every day when I first started TTC.

    Two years later, all that has pretty much gone out the window!

  4. Eileen says:

    LOL babyhopes! My husband and I were just having that conversation the other night, trying to total up in our head how much money we have wasted on prenatal vitamins in 2 years time.

    And Naomi, I have that same tea in my cabinet and I gave up caffeine and alcohol last summer. Note how much good it did me. I had to spend $15,000 instead to get knocked up.

  5. Egg Factory says:

    I saw one diet that said to eat avocados and pears because they resemble the shape of the womb and enhance that organ. The same thing also said men should eat grapes and figs for the same reason. PUH-LEESE!

    I also went without caffeine for three years and it made no difference, so now I drink it til my hearts' content.

  6. Jenny H. says:

    like everyone else I have all the books and attempted to follow these diets as well as the uber vegan "endo diet" and all I got was negative pregnancy tests and even more "blahness"…at least with my morning tea and a drink when I'm in the mood I don't feel totally depressed.

  7. Amaprincess says:

    That was sooo funny!!! Well said Doc~!

  8. InfertileNaomi says:

    I should be a doctor. I once let my Raspberry Leaf Tea brew overnight and it was terrible the next day. I still drank it!