The next NY Times bestseller: The Fertility Diet Does Not Work by Dr. Infertile Naomi.
You have read all the books about fertility and diet, but with no pregnancy to show for it. Does a diet really boost your chances of getting pregnant? The experts say it does but the real experts (the infertiles) know the truth.
This fertility diet says:
1) Eat dark greens
You once ate spinach and broccoli everyday during your ovulation cycle. How did that work out for you?
Better alternative: green M&M’s and a glass of green beer during Saint Patrick’s Day.
2) Drink Raspberry Leaf Tea
You once let this tea steep for 24 hours and drank it cold. Mmmm. It was gross.
Better alternative: Raspberry chocolate layer cake? It may not increase your infertility but it sure tastes good.
3) No alcohol
You don’t drink during your cycle but when you know you’re not pregnant, watch out bars! You are the only infertile at Alcoholics Anonymous.
Better alternative: Veal with wine sauce, Tiramisu, a plate of cookies with Baileys poured directly on the cookies.
4) Limit your caffeine
You love your coffee in the morning and have switched to decaf. But during your periods, you would pour the caffeine directly into your veins, if you could.
Better alternative: drink bad coffee days 5-20 and expensive coffee days 1-5.
5) Drink more calcium
Studies say that 1,000 milligrams of calcium may improve his sperm count.
Better alternative: You know what else will improve his sperm count? Whip cream and chocolate sauce during baby-making sex.
Face it, the fertility diet does not work. So let your baby at least enjoy a morning coffee with a nice liquor.