Jan 31
How much baby making sex can you really have?
If you’ve actually counted, maybe 14,786 times. For the last few months/years, you’ve had more baby making sex than a horny teenage boy. And it’s not for pleasure. It’s timed, purposeful and sometimes over quite quickly. “I don’t care if you’re not in the mood, honey. It’s 6:00am and we are doing it right now!” Sometimes (or most times), you hardly feel like doing it but it’s ovulation day and you really have no choice. You do it whether you’ve just had a fight, whether you feel sick or whether you are at home or in a public place. Doctors orders. You must do it.
“Aunt Millie, save us a place at the dinner table. We’ll be downstairs in 20-60 seconds.”
Number of times you’ve had sex in a given year = 14,786
Number of orgasms = 0-3
Jan 21
It’s another birthday and it’s time to blow out those candles. But golly gee wiz, what will you wish for? Duh!
It is wildly believed that before you blow your birthday candles out, you need to make a wish and if you don’t tell anyone, it will come true. Maybe that’s why you aren’t pregnant yet because every single person in that room knows what you wished for. Even your two year old nephew knows that you wished for a baby. Close your eye. Deep breath “By my next birthday, I wish to be pregnant or have a baby.” Blow out those candles (all 45 of them!). The room is awkward as everyone claps politely, even your uterus applauds. How wonderful! She blew out all those candles but we all know what she wished for. “I bet she wished for a baby,” Great Aunt Gertie whispers the obvious.
Oh great. Now, EVERYONE knows what you wished for, so how will it come true? Well maybe you’re wrong everyone! Maybe you actually wished for plentiful cervical mucus and for your husband to magically produce good quality semen! Not to worry, according to your fertility doctor you’re still very young.
Now, who wants a slice of cake?
photo: here
Jan 21
The infertility advice.
It comes from anyone and everyone from your Great Aunt Mildred (“In my day, I would drink a special tea to get pregnant”) to your eyebrow waxing lady (“I got pregnant by getting really drunk“). Did we ask for your advice? It seems that everyone believes they are qualified to hand out infertility advice but somehow it’s not reciprocal. Your mommy friend can give you advice on your IVF treatment but you can’t give her parenting tips?
MOMMY FRIEND: Little Tommy just won’t sleep through the night. We’re currently trying the Cryhiseyesout method but nothing seems to be working.
YOU: Have you tried a routine and putting him to bed every night at the same time? (Her look says, why is this childless woman giving me parenting advice?)
YOU: We’re going for our fourteenth IVF cycle next month.
MF: I heard putting pillows under your behind after sex will help.
(Your look says, that was so five years ago, lady).
Great news! Everyone is allowed to give you infertility advice and you are not allowed to give out any advice whatsoever. Great. That seems completely fair.
photo: here
Jan 21
During the two week wait, you tell yourself “Self, if I’m pregnant, tell me in my dreams.” You fall asleep and let your dreams tell you the answer.
If you were a fertile, you would probably have a fabulous dream about a positive pregnancy test, a glowing belly and holding your precious newborn in your arms. In your dream, you and your partner would be dancing around, perhaps, literally, on a cloud, and grinning about your news. But you are an infertile and pregnancy dreams are rare, if ever. Instead, you dream about your menstrual cycle, a negative pregnancy test and losing your baby. You often know your period is coming a week before simply because of your dream. Perhaps you dreamed that your period arrived and actor Tom Cruise handed you a tampon and says “You want the truth? You can’t handle the truth!” Or something along those lines… Sometimes you dream that you take a pregnancy test but can’t tell if it’s two lines or one. Those kind of dreams make you happy. Maybe your dream is trying to tell you you’re pregnant or maybe it’s telling you it’s time to get your eye sight checked. You dream about other people having babies and holding other people’s babies, but why is it never you own?
But if you dream that you are charting your temperature and then Screech from the original TV show Saved by the Bell comes into the bathroom and tells you it’s low and then hands you a chocolate covered pretzel to be eaten at the stroke of midnight, you know that means your pregnant. Right?
Huh?
Jan 20
It’s strange. You would never describe yourself as a jealous person. A woman could flirt with your husband and you’re mildly flattered. Your friend gets a great promotion and you’re genuinely happy for her.
But when someone gets pregnant, whether a friend or a complete stranger, you’re jealous, evil side emerges.
It doesn’t even matter who it is. You’re completely envious of all your pregnant friends but you are also jealous of complete strangers on the street, Facebook friends from your past, your parents friend’s children, and anyone else who happens to walk by you that could look pregnant. Good lord, they don’t even have to be pregnant to get your jealousy started – you are jealous even if they seem to have an unconfirmed belly budge or if their television character is pregnant. You would even be jealous of a woman who got pregnant knowing that she suffered through years of infertility treatments. You would be jealous if you’re dog was having puppies, Mertie, the bird, got pregnant or even if a cartoon character was expecting. Damm you Marge Simpson! You never had infertility problems with Bart, Lisa or Maggie! You were jealous of the pregnant “man” and wished you could be the Octomom too.
Wow. Bubbles, your goldfish, is having babies. Yup… Still jealous.
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