May 16

You have a theory. When you’re obsessively waiting by the phone for your beta blood test results, you believe that if your clinic calls back before noon, it’s good news. After 12pm, the results must be negative.

You’re sure that somewhere in small print, your clinic has a rule. Good news before noon and bad news afterwards. This can be found in the ‘How to Torture an Infertile’ consent form.

You have little basis for your theory since the nurse has only ever called you with bad news and it happened to be at the end of the day. You arrived at the blood lab early in the morning, saying a special internal prayer as your blood was taken. “Hey blood in the test tube, please be positive.” You even try to look at the blood coloring to see if you can tell if it’s positive or not. My blood looks really red, maybe that’s a good thing? You leave the lab and now it’s time to wait the agonizing few hours for the results. If no one calls you by 12 noon, you think it’s all over. And it’s always grumpy nurse Bonnie who finally calls you at 4:59pm with the bad news. It seems that Bonnie spent the whole day chatting with her co-workers, having a leisurely lunch, watches a full episode of Oprah and then remembers, Might as well call the infertiles before I go home. And she always makes a long unnecessary introduction “Hi, it’s Bonnie, the BFN Bitchinator from the WeCan’tGetYouPregnant Fertility Clinic…” Yes, I know who it is lady. I have been sitting by the phone for last 8 hours waiting for your call.

The good part of getting bad news at the end of the day is that you had an extra few hours of hope. The bad part is that you might not have time to have your emotional breakdown in front of your co-workers….at least until tomorrow.

(If you think I’m funny here, check out my infertility celebrity blog at !

12 Responses to “#665 Your Fertility Clinic only Calls with Good News Before Noon”

  1. scandinavian endo girl, angel mom. says:

    LOL. Good one Naomi.

    On my two first cycles they called me before noon all the three calls, on my third when they didn´t call before noon I thought for sure it was bad news and my freezerembi didn´t make it. So when I got the message to come in the following day, I did yell at the lab thec just a little bit. I told here to stop scaring me with late phonecalls ;)
    Now I´m waiting for cycle #4 to come up, my laste freezerhope.

  2. says:

    How true! I think you’ve found the next post… what’s on the “How to Torture an Infertile’ consent form”! We can all pitch in on that one!

    Such as, you miss the RN’s call and of course all she says is ‘things look normal’ and doesn’t bother giving you your FSH, Progesterone, Beta or other important numbers.

    Or, the RN emails you that “we got your test results and we want to push out your cycle so you can take BCP’s for 42 days” – without elaborating on the actual test results and why your protocol has changed.

    I know I have 1000 more… these are the most common & the most recent.

  3. Alexandra's mum says:

    My clinic has a new way to torture us. I have a love/hate relationship with it. They now have an online “Patient Portal” where you can log in and get all of your test results online-including betas. So of course, anyone waiting for news is logging in every 2 minutes and/or refreshing the screen every 30 seconds. Oh, they also call too…but that online thing is a blessing and a curse all at once!!!

    Incidentally, the cycle I got pregnant with Alex, I was in meetings that lasted all day-waiting for my cell to ring. I had it silenced, on my lap throughout every meeting. I probably looked at it every 10 seconds. It got really annoying when people kept droning on and on and on and I just wanted the darn phone to ring…

  4. 7 years and counting says:

    the BFN Bitchinator…. might as well call the infertiles before I go home!
    I haven’t laughed that hard in a time! unfortunately there is one at every clinic

  5. says:

    SO true!

  6. Bekah says:

    On the plus side, I know that I shouldn’t expect a call before noon because they have a blocked out schedule (which you can see at the nurses station if you’re exceptionally nosy like me) which involves monitoring appointments until 11am, lunch until noon, and then starting call backs/consults/teaching visits.

    On the down side, I had the same theory except it involved 2pm. I’d never gotten a call before 2pm and I figured they DID call backs after noon so they must be calling someone at noon. Just not me.

    Turns out they call betas in that block. Got my negative beta call at 12:15 on the dot. I got the call from the doc but I wish it had been one of the nurses- I might not have cried the second I heard his voice. I just knew he’d call if it was bad news. He only calls if it’s bad news.

  7. jdfan14 says:

    LOL, “might was well call the infertiles before I go home”..that was FUNNY!

  8. Kelly says:

    My clinic is the opposite. Every time I’ve gotten bad news, it has been before lunch. The few times I’ve gotten reasonably good news, it is later. This observation has come back to bite me in the ass because they switched labs so NONE of the results come in before lunch. Now I have extra hope and could just as easily get bad news. I’m not sure which is worse.

    Waiting for results today, as a matter of fact. Time goes by SO SLOWLY!

  9. My theory is that they procrastinate doing stuff that they don’t want to do/face.. like telling people bad news. My new doctor is a flipping godsend – she actually phones me immediately with results, AND, when I found out I got a positive (I’m hoping it sticks – I’m coming to my critical period this week), she said “okay.. I’ll need to see you in 3 weeks (AAARRRRGGGGG), but we can make that 3 weeks from the time you found out, so we will do the scan the week after next”. I think I may have tiny little doctor-crush going on :)

  10. says:

    Oh, I love the BFN Bitchinator. Sounds like my current RE’s nurse. Seriously, why are they in this line of work if they clearly don’t give a crap, have no interpersonal skills, and can’t remember to call half the time when they say they will?

    I agree that a post about what’s on “How to Torture an Infertile” would be fabulous!

    I’ve waited months to start my 4th cycle with a new clinic. Their “IVF committee” doesn’t meet to discuss my case until June 3, and they persist in saying things like “IF the committee decides to do a cycle with you”. They didn’t tell me when I first saw this RE that they might decide to deny me completely. What a way to protect your success statistics, right?

  11. Corky says:

    Seriously, just dealt with this Friday. Gave my blood at 8:15 am, at 5:30 some nurse i have never heard of called with the bad news and then just hung up. But Monday the call was at like 1pm with the good news. They sit on this bad news and i totally know its true, when i was in claims, i hated making the “you have no coverage for this loss” so i put it off as long as possible. But this is so different, we beg them to call us asap as we leave but they dont listen.

  12. CS says:

    LOVE IT! I got my first borderline positive after multiple failed IVF cycles. The nurse calls me at 6:30 pm after I waited all day for the call and says. “Well you are sort of pregnant and we need to see you in two days. But… you are most likely going to have a chemical pregnancy.” Thanks lady slightly get my hope up then crush it. My stupid hcg was a 5 anything under 4 is negative. So go test again today. I ended up calling the on-call emergency service because I hadn’t received a call by 7:30 pm. She calls me at 8 says she hasn’t talked to the Doctor but I should stop all medication because my level only rose to 15 but she’ll call me back to see what the doctor thinks… Really?!? I got a call at 9 pm saying no go!!! Who waits that long! Over 12 hours to leave me asking Dr. Google every question imaginable and then some! Darn waste of a Saturday! Ugh! Back to square one!
    Love your blog!!!