Want to be a part of my blog? Suggest a reason why infertility is funny here!
You know you’re infertile when…..
Your store loyalty card which tracks your purchases of all groceries and cosmetics, sends you a voucher for your most commonly purchased items; milk, chilled freezer products… and TAMPONS. A tampon voucher in the post. Just what I need to remind me I’m STILL infertile. ARRG!
Having an interview with an adoption agency while suffering through a chemical pregnancy.
The adoption agency, for some reason, deciding a woman in her 3rd trimester was the best person to conduct the interview.
Choosing another adoption agency…ANY other adoption agency.
I absolutely love the “my baby’s progress” app on facebook. Thankyou, I really enjoy your ultrasound pictures, baby photos and holier than now how proud you are to be a mom status updates. Having weekly reminders that a baby is growing in your belly but not in mine shows great sensitivity and awareness.
You know you’re a crazy infertile when… your emotionally irrational self rubs off on your husband and he is now putting together the “perfect plan” to steal our god child from our dear friends. Way to go, honey! I love you for that.
When you do everything with your pet that your friends do with their kids. 1st birthday pics? Check. Tattoo of foot/paw prints? Check. Litter your facebook profile with a constant stream of photos & talk about “the kids”? Check. If I see one more post about baby poop, I’m going to start posting pictures of my Chinchilla’s poop!
good one swerds! do the same w/my kitten..lol…our cat will totally be ignored if we ever become parents lol…
DH: “Hey, let’s take a vacation!”
Me: “Ok. Let me check my calendar. I think I can squeeze it in between IUI sono appointments!”
Okay, this just happened to me right now. I was in this online discussion and all these women were talking about birth control and of course there are the usual stories of how they got pregnant anyway while on BC… Then someone says, “have you tried using ovulation sticks?” and someone else says “what are those?”. Oh, the irony of these fertile women peeing on a stick to help them AVOID getting pregnant!?! Get me out of this chat room ASAP!!!
Isn’t it funny that the book mark in the book I’m currently reading, Infertility Companion, is an invitation to a baby shower (of a couple who had to have a shotgun wedding of course). I guess it was the closest piece of paper when I was ready to put the book down after the first time reading!
This just happened to me. I have PCOS and therefore no periods. After a failed clomid cycle, I just went for my annual pap smear. Its been 50 days or so since my last period and the nurse asks me the million dollar question: “Could you be pregnant?”. My answer of “probably not” is not sufficient so she gives me a quick pregnanct test. Now i know for a fact that i am not, didnt even ovulate, but in that moment i cant help but get giddy with thoughts: what if i ovulated late, which would mean i could be a couple weeks pregnant by now? My lower back has been hurting. Didnt i feel nauseas the other day? So as i am waiting for the test results, i’ve convinced myself that this will be my miracle story that i will tell everyone once i get out of here. I am sitting there with a wide grin waiting for the nurse to come in tell me “Congratulations! you’re pregnant!” but after a few minutes she peaks in and quickly says, “just to let you know, the test was negative”. Thus ending the sad emotional roller coaster that is infertility. I went from knowing for a fact that i wasnt pregnant to planning my miracle pregnancy facebook status in under a minute.
How to ruin an infertile’s vacation: (actual quotes from a recent family vacation as said to me by my well meaning aunt, sister, and mother)
“Have you just tried doing it the regular way” (Have I just tried having sex with my husband? Ummm no I thought I would like to drop thousands and try it this way first.)
“Maybe you could try it where they just stick his stuff up there for you. You know they do that to bred racehorses.” (WTF! WTF! If you mean IUI yes; I’ve wasted the past year on IUIs. Never refer to me as a racehorse again and while we are at it, never reference anyone sticking my husband’s ’stuff’ up there for me. Nasty!)
“IVF? You aren’t going to be one of those octomoms are you” (Yes, mom I am. My doctor is just that socially responsible and a litter of children has always been my dream.)
“Can we call the baby Dolly after that little cow they cloned?” (No–you people have sensitivity issues.)
“I think its kinda cute to have a designer baby.” (Good; thats what I was going for . . . designer. I only like really expensive babies. Looks like I’m going to have “the best”!)
And my favorite. . .
“Well, I think you should just keep trying the ‘regular way’, and then maybe you can have one of your own.” (Shut the F@%K up! We can’t talk about this anymore or Christmas will be really ugly. You people are soooo lucky I’m off the fertility meds this month or none of this would have gone down so smoothly.)
Mmmmmm. . .Monday! Glad to be back at work.
Can’t get any funnier than this…Perhaps this is what I’ve been missing in my last 3 failed cycles. Send in the clowns!
so while under sedation for my embryo retrieval, I decided to pass on a little proverbial wisdom to my RE. our RE was able to retrieve eggs from my right ovary, but after informing my husband and I that he was sorry that he would not be able to retrieve any eggs from my left ovary due to my large and ill-place fibroid tumor, I told my RE, “see, that it is why you should never put all of your eggs in one basket.”
Infertility is funny when you ask your husband for Christmas to get his sperm tested. Infertility is funny when you start dressing your dog like your baby, blue polka-dot shirts, bows in her hair, it is great! Infertility is funny when your cousin announces that his wife is pregnant by “So if you thought ‘Susie’ was fat you were wrong. She just has a little critter in her un-mentionable. Yes its true,” but you are getting fat just TTC! Infertility is freakin’ fantastic when you imagine your nieces and nephews being your kids. Lastly, infertility is funny because all these reasons that you are trying to have a baby may bring you to the decision that maybe being a “mother” doesn’t require having children. The definition of mother on Wikipedia’s is not only the prego part but also it reads: “Because of the complexity and differences of a mother’s social, cultural, and religious definitions and roles, it is challenging to define a mother to suit a universally accepted definition.” So, it is up to us to define what type of “mother” we will be with or without birthing children.
Talk about ironic. I glanced over at the side of your website and I saw an ad for “Make Custom Maternity Tees at Customized Girl.” One of their products advertised was for a shirt that read “I can grow people. What’s your super power?” What the heck, are you serious? Sorry, my super powers include standing on my head after doing it, not crying after every month when the prego test reads negative! Now, I just take a hammer to each one. Stupid ads!
infertiltiy is funny bc the other day during a sono to check my egg growth for ivf the nurse asked if I was done with work for the summer. I said, “yes but I take care of 3 kids ages 7,8 & 9 during the summer”. The sono tech (male) then says “that’s great birth control.” ummm doesnt he get he is working for an RE we don’t use birth control…I just laughed.
Well meaning sister-in-law: “Hey, well since y’all don’t have kids yet, would you like to be the Godparents to our unborn daughter?”
Me: “Yes! I’d love to be a backup parent. I’ve been riding the bench for a while now.”
Pregnant coworkers seem to flock to infertiles with their updates. And for some reason we punish ourselves and listen.
Coworker: “I have another ultrasound this week! I’m so excited!”
Me: “I had 4 last week!”
Coworker: “Oh…how did they go?”
Me: “Still vacant.”
You start brainstorming ways that you, too, can tap in to the lucrative infertility market. Personally, I am dreaming of: (a) A line of special Infertility clothes (with elastic for the eternal bloating, not to be mistaken for maternity wear) and (b) an infertility trail mix, a combination of nuts, seeds and antioxidant fruits, to boost your cycle.
Went to the urgent care clinic for a cold. The doctor asked several times if I was on any daily medication…knew he was getting at birth control, but I told him I wasn’t on anything. Finally he decides he wants to prescribe me an antibiotic and decongestant, but before he does, he wants me to take a pregnancy test *just to be sure*. I tell him, seriously, I’m not pregnant. I have been trying for so long and I even was on my period at that moment. But he still insisted b/c he has caught a few women who thought they couldnt be pregnant and whala…they left his office in tears. I insist that not only am I fertility challenged, but that I AM ON MY PERIOD RIGHT NOW!! Oh, but it could be just early pregnancy bleeding. Dude, I just took like a thousand pregnancy tests a few days ago…I am NOT pregnant. I finally give in b/c I just wanted to get my medication and leave. So he sends me down the hall with a pee cup and false hope that I, too, could be those one in a million who finds out they are pregnant at the urgent care center. Well….I am sure you can guess how that turned out. A great way to make an infertile feel really special….force her to take a pregnancy test against her will.
reason to laugh? Thinking about how you so very awkwardly answered the question, “so do you guys have plans for kids?” asked by your husband’s friend’s 23-year-old girlfriend after only 20 minutes of meeting each other. “Uhhh, ummm, well, we did. But that didn’t go so well.” Wasn’t expecting a question like that so soon!
You become listed as a “senior member” of your infertility discussion board.
what about where you hear something like i did on the radio, this person (music celebrity) is expecting and said not too thrillled about the up and coming sleepless nights. My thought is would love to have sleepless nights b/c would mean I would have my baby!!! Needless to say I no longer will listen to this person’s music no more..i maybe becoming just a bit bitter….lol
when your husband’s sperm count is so high-230 million- the doctor goes on and on saying it is unheard of and is amazed. and yet your 4 pathetic follicles somehow still cannot get pregnant. way to make me feel great about myself, doc!!!!!!………
You all want to save on pregnancy test? Here’s the story. I have never needed to use any pregnancy test or wait for my period to know that I am not pregnant…my bitch will usually come and smell my butt 2 days before my period! And she has never failed me! Talk about a LOYAL companion!
You know you’re an IF veteran when you’re driving across town with a cryogenic tank strapped into the passenger seat of your car, safely storing your 3 frozen embryos, as you are moving them across town from the 4th RE you just fired to your new 5th RE, and in your surreal state of mind, all you can think is…”do I qualify for the carpool lane?”
You are now part of an elite community that will support you and hold your hand through some of the most difficult times in your life… now that is something to smile about!
You’ve never met your best friends. (The girls in your online support group or fertility chat).
These are my best friends http://exchanges.webmd.com/ttc-with-pcos
amber that is crazy funny!!! how true….lol!!!
You feel the most fitting place to store your fertility drugs is in the egg compartment of your fridge
Love that, Emily. I personally put it in the *produce* drawer
When you have two jars of ocean water on your dresser because you read that Aug 15 is the Feast of Assumption and the water is extra blessed for healing that day (“It’s a *sign*! I’m about to start my next cycle and it’s almost Aug 15!”). Worse is you had planned to drive the 45 min to the beach yourself to stand in it, but then you found out a coworker was doing a beach clean-up that day and asked her to bring you back some. Your husband knows you have it, but you still secretly sprinkle it on your stomach anyway because you know he will tease you if he sees you actually do it. (True story that just happened and yes, I have a very sweet and understanding co-worker who also just happens to be very Catholic)
I am officially a weirdo. I now stand over my husbands cappuccino breathing in the smell since I can no longer drink coffee of any kind due to my acidic, sperm killing mucus.
Reasons to laugh at infertility: we might be missing out on the laughter of our own offspring, but we do get to laugh all the way to the bank and spend our earnings on frivolity and fun.
We might miss out on the have-a-kid stage of the societal norm list of things to do, but we do get to live free of the lifelong burden we like to call the joy of raising kids (please don’t get upset with me for using that term…I know most of us would trade a lot…well, a bit anyway… for this rewarding burden, but it is still a burden, no matter how worth it and joy-inducing it is).
We might miss out on the uniquely huge love that parents and children share, but we get to walk around the house naked and have sex anywhere/anytime we like and make all the noise we like too (not just bonking noises, but stereo, tv, parties…ooh…we get to keep having grown-up parties, and we don’t have to fight over whose turn it is to get up with the baby…bonus)!
We might miss out on the pride when our kids hit all their milestones, but we get to keep creating and hitting our own personal milestones (except, of course, for the kid milestone!).
Best of luck to all of you going through all you can to get that baby.
Because when going to get blood work the phlebotomist asks you if you are pregnant and you say “no”. She then says “well these tests are typically ordered for pregnant women, maybe your doctor has reason to believe otherwise” and you say “No I’m sure, I’m infertile. These are to see if there is anything they can do about it.” (maybe the bluntness and quiver in your voice will get her to shut up) and then she goes on to tell you how she’s not infertile but her x-hubby is and he wouldn’t let her adopt. REALLY? Can I stab you with needles now? (yes. This actually happened to me)
I was told by my RE that I release my egg to early. I laughed when he said that (and got a pretty strange look from him!). All I could think of is how the early bird is SUPPOSE to get the worm but apparently the saying isn’t always true. My early egg never gets the sperm!
My latest reasons to laugh:
1. During and after Hurricane Irene, you decide to hide inside your house NOT because of the damage, floods, waters, flying trees, etc, but you are dreading the Hurricane Irene babies that you KNOW are goin to start popping up come Spring 2012!
Note: I actually live in a different part of the country but a lot of family and friends live on the East Coast, and I’m actually not looking forward to the Hurricane Irene babies taht will pop up. I have a crazy feeling that somewhere along the line I’m going to hear this news.
2. A true nightmare that I actually had last night!
I dreamt that my period was 2 weeks late, my breasts were sore, and I was nauseous. You know, the whole shebang. At the same time, hubby and I were getting ready to leave town. Whatever it was, we had to be OUT of town and on the road by 11:30 that morning. I told him, “Wait! let me just stop at CVS and pick up a test (I think I wanted the Equate, or First Response, or Answer). I think this is IT!”
So I run across the street to CVS…and wouldn’t you know???? THEY ARE GOING OUT OF BUSINESS!!! EVERYTHING on their shelves is packed into cardboard boxes. The funny thing was, everything they had was free…you didn’t have to pay a nickel for anything, but the catch was that you had to be able to find it. You can imagine i went like crazy going through the cardboard boxes. Then, 11:30 came and we had to leave and I didn’t find the pregnancy test.
And then I woke up and never found out how the dream turned out! (That is, if I was pregnant, or not!)
Anyhow, hope these make you laugh! Hugs to you all!
@Marta, I think your dream #2 must be a sign! Well, let’s hope so.
You know your infertile when … You very fertile pregnant friends start sending you “tips” and links on infertility and “how to” guides to getting pregnant
The first rule of Infertility Club is that you don’t talk about your infertility with anyone except cyber friends.
The second rule of Infertility Club is that you don’t take your babies/small children TO the waiting room of the infertility clinic. (This morning, there were so many strollers and wriggling children you would have thought I was sitting in the pediatrician’s office. There was one husband sitting there with — I am not kidding you — three children under the age of 4.).
I am sure there are more rules that I haven’t thought of yet…
Background: Having Turner’s Syndrome means I basically haven’t had a functional egg since I was myself an embryo, and I am forbidden to carry a pregnancy because of the risk of aortic dissection. Since Husband wants to try for his biological child, we are pursuing surrogacy. After a long journey we actually became “pregnant” in May with twins but lost Baby B at nine weeks and Baby A at 17weeks 2days. We’re looking for a new surrogate now. Anyway, here are some attempts at humor.
1) While we’re using an agency, why not advertise on your own to increase the chances of finding someone?
Wanted: New best friend. Must have fetus-friendly uterus, wide pelvis, and willingness to undergo labor and delivery with former strangers watching. Liking gluteal injections and transvaginal ultrasounds a plus. Oh, and can we keep in touch?
2) Since I’m a first-year resident in Internal Medicine: Want to learn about proper delivery of bad news? How about learning FIRSTHAND, by having the bad news delivered to you? Experiential learning at it’s best. Have your physician/mentor ASK-TELL-ASK you about the tests confirming your infertility and gain a much better understanding of how to deliver bad news yourself. Best of all, this course is open to anyone infertile, and is FREE. (Infertility workup not included. Babies not guaranteed.)
infertility is funny because you get to make up awkward and embarrassing excuses to you family, friends, and random people you don’t know, for why you haven’t had kids yet. For example:
“well we’ve been trying really hard every night. I’m not sure we are doing it right, got any suggestions?”
“we wanted cats instead.”
“Octa-mom stole them.”
“I’m not sure my husband’s sperm know where they are going . . . and of course they would stop for directions!”
“I have Swiss cheese for ovaries” (PCOS)”
The People.com celebrity baby blog! I need some mindless gossip that does without out headlines about what celebrity is pregnant or just gave birth this week in the top stories!
whoops ignore the “that does”
but to reiterate my point….People.com if I want to read the celebrity baby blog I’ll got to that specific page so dont put up stories trying to link me to there!
Emily-tooo funny—putting your meds in the ‘produce’ drawer–LOL!
Paige–I agree I had to tell a diff doctors office about infertility and seeing RE about it–the nurse had to proceed to tell me about all her kids she had-ie she is not infertilite and for whatever reason need to share this info w/me- some people I swear!
Both of these made me laugh for sure!
At one of my first appointments with my fertility Dr…as she looked down at my chart again…said “You don’t look 34, but your eggs are”. Um, thanks
During my ultrasound (for TIC), the nurse said “your uterine lining is beautiful”. Again, um…thanks?
THANK YOU for this site!
As you desperately search Craigslist to find a part time job or gig that will pay for your next gonal-f injection, you find tons of ads saying they will pay you thousands of dollars to become an egg donor. And all you can think is “well hey, maybe the next time I do this will pay for the last time I did this!”
You just saw a commercial for a new reality show, “Secretly Pregnant” and you wonder “If it’s such a secret, why are they on TV?” and “are they taking volunteers for a person to pretend to be pregnant to take the baby after the secretly pregnant person gives birth?”
It seems each time I go on Facebook there is a new friend stating on her status that she is pregnant. Each time I read this I get real mad and jealous and say “that’s it, I’m deleting my Facebook account.” I never actually do it.
You know you’re an infertile when you drink a quart of chocolate soy milk trying to raise your Estraoil level!