Friends who know we’ve been trying to get pregnant (for years) do one of two things: 1) if they have children, they try to equate themselves to infertiles. Example: “I know exactly how you feel! I struggled with infertility too! We tried for four months before getting pregnant with our third child and it was so heart breaking each month when I got my period.” or 2) when they do get pregnant, they drop off the face of the earth. “Hmm, haven’t talked to so and so for months! Grrr… She must be pregnant!” (Take a moment to check facebook status from two months ago–yep, “expecting”) The positive of the second is since the new mother to be feels too guilty about getting pregnant so easily, she doesn’t send you a baby shower invite.
Know the phrase “Always a bridesmaid, never a bride”? Well, I’ve just thought of another one related to my infertility. “Always an aunt, never a mother.”
I’m the captain of my own awesome infertility ship.
As a way to update facebook followers who want to know without bothering those who don’t (like my brother, bless his heart), I started posting my updates as if I were a captain of a spaceship trying to leave Earth.
Each ultrasound became a preflight check as we sought to desperately please the engineering techs (RE’s nurse’s team) who sign off on the flight. Finally, we schedule the launch, and enter stage 1. Two weeks to wait to find out if we enter stage 2, or return to base as another failure to launch. (so far that’s as far as I’ve gotten, but I’m firing retrorockets the first time I see the heartbeat!)
Many claim social media as the greatest medium of our generation.
Sure social media sites and applications like twitter, facebook, myspace, linked-in, Four Square, etc. are supposed to give us all a sense of community. In my experience, they’ve just allienated me more as an Infertile. I’ve decided to take a little facebook vacation because i can’t stand hearing about former colleagues, high school classmates, etc. all SCREAM about their pregnancies on facebook, how their baby “pooed on the potty,” etc. Also, i really don’t need to see a photo of your nipples, even if your baby’s mouth is somewhat attached to it.
So i submit to you, the Infertile’s guide to social media…
Linked In (professional networking site, includes resume, job history)
Jane X is a seasoned marketing professional, with 10+ years in the industry.
As you will see she is no longer employed b/c she got fired for missing too many hours of work due to endless fertility treatments and appointments. She’d like to be employed, but is really looking for a job that let’s her work part time, allowing ample time for surfing the internet, especially during the 2ww. Oh, and if you have health insurance fertility coverage – sign me up, i’ll work for free.
Facebook: The “What are you doing” prompt just begs for a status update each time i log on. Oh facebook, i really don’t think you want me to update my “status” with any of the following:
-inserting my finger into my cervix trying to determine if it’s period blood or implantation
-having a discussion with my husband about marketing a “boob scale” so women in the 2ww could objectively determine if their boobs are bigger, heavier.
-shooting up (no, not like that …)
-brainstorming about excuses not to attend dear friend’s daugther’s first birthday party.
-re-ordering my husbands fertility vitamins, again. I refuse to buy the 6 month supply because we just won’t need them for that long! (it’s been 14 months)
Four Square (new social networking site that lets you “sign in” to cool locations and your followers know where you are. Usually reads something like, I just arrived at (hot new club, yoga studio, wine bar, etc.)
Is there a Four Square for the infertile?
I just arrived at morning monitoring
I’m headed to my third pharmacy to source my fertility meds
i’m in the stirrups, being inseminated, hopefully making a baby
i’m in the bathroom having a meltdown, based on what i just saw in my underwear
i’m at the drugstore buying tampons, damn u tampons, and ovulation predictor kits.
I have stopped telling people when I feel pregnant, because I seem to be so psychosomatic and I have these symptoms and then I get my period and it turns out it was all bullshit that I was creating in myself. So now, I just don’t say anything, I don’t even report these symptoms to the doctor for the same reason – in a week, I will know if these symptoms were real or in my head, no need to embarrass myself by disclosing it all now.
1) Dressing during the trend of the empire waist…like I don’t have enough people looking quesioningly at my stomach, now when I go shopping I have to think if I wear this at a family gathering what questions will I have to field.
2) The baby + bonus……. Did you know that once you have a baby you not only get the baby that you always dreamed off but… your face no longer breaks out…..you don’t get migraines anymore…..etc
So my life has now become broken into two cycles. The time that I know I am not pregnant and the two week wait. I think it is so funny all of the stupid things I do during the two week wait, like watch those crazy tv shows with all of the kids-18 kids and couning, and a baby story. Then I wait for symptons and convince myself that all my PMS symptoms can’t be real. Anyway, I would love a list of activities to occupy your time during the two week wait.
ectopic pregnancy…. all the joys of a first trimester pregnancy, followed by an expensive surgical procedure that may damage your fertility further, without the hassle of an actual baby!
Well, I must have had the most funny IVF conversation today. My 80 year old mother in law wanted to know “what they do to me in hospital” where I’ll go on Monday for my frozen embryo transfer. But she didn’t understand “egg cells” or “embryos” and I didn’t really want to go into “sperm”. Have a look at my blog if you like, but explaining IVF to elderly people is kind of funny, if VERY embarrasing!
April Fools jokes – people who just got pregnant on cycle #1 telling everyone 3 months after they popped the first one out that they’re pregnant again. Yes…that’s super funny for those of us who have been trying since April 1, 1999!
When pregnant ladies get special treatment at shopping malls, restaurants, public transportation. I mean, I get it. You are tired. You are swollen. Deep down somewhere I am happy for you. The special treatment seems to shine a spotlight on the pregnant ladies; a huge neon sign above them blinking “I’m pregnant, you’re not!” BUT, the fact is that just seeing your swollen belly and happy face while shopping for new bras just made me burst into tears and cry all the way home. Does this mean I need therapy? It’s pretty bad that while I should be celebrating the new life this stranger is carrying, instead I take it personally and cry “why not me?” Is it possilble to be normal AND avoid all public places where there may be a pregnant lady?
You have mad skills at disassembling a pineapple.
You are at a party and your friend needs some fresh pineapple cut for the pina coladas. You offer your services, and to your friends amazement you can core, skin, and chop up a pineapple in 2 minutes flat. Little does she know that you do this every month because it is supposed to help with implantation.
It’s raining. My husband’s driving. I’m at the passenger seat looking at rain drops being chased away by wind on the window and I started to cheer the rain drops “go spermies, go.” I don’t think I’m crazy but they really do look like sperms racing towards an egg.
Try watching the water on your car window while driving in the rain. Little spermies.
During IVF, you get a taste of looking pregnant via bloating and OHSS without the excuse of actually BEING pregnant. Plus, you have the challenge of losing Bloat Baby without the help of breast feeding.
Also, I like the way Celebrity Mothers over 35 magically become pregnant with twins. It’s a MIRACLE!! Celebrities are not ordinary people like you and me…and god forbid they go through any fertility treatment. How taboo… Thanks…thanks for making us feel like sht.
First there are the girls who literally have the kahunas to COMPLAIN about being pregnant. “I am so miserable” or “I am so fat” or “Nothing fits me” or “When can I get this baby out of me?”…blah, blah, blah! Seriously, they do not know what miserable is! You want to scream at them how miserable you are laying there with catheters inserted in your va-ja-ja wiggling around, or waiting for the dye to make it’s way through during the HSG, or your sweet “Cybil” moments from all the hormones you have been loading up on.
And then there are the “praggers”. Girls who continulously brag about being pregnant. Again, girls who are completely insenstitive to the infertile. “It only took us two tries and here we are” or “My husband and I are baby-making machines” or my favorite “Someday you’ll be blessed like we are…you just have to stop thinking about it. That’s what we did”. You want to tell her how you really weren’t thinking about it until she brought it up; Bi-otch!
One of the many lessons I am sure I will learn from all this is… sensitivity. I take an oath that if, I mean when, it does happen for me that I will not post fb belly updates, I will not brag and I will certainly not complain about being pregnant. If I do…my girlfriends have permission to bi**ch slap me:)
Because you’ve stopped speaking to your husband in actual sentences like, “The pregnancy test came out negative” and started saying things that no one but him would understand like, “Let’s have sushi and Bourbon for dinner tonight.”
I had a thought the other day (after yet ANOTHER surprise FB pregnancy) that I am really looking forward to turning 40 because there will be no more pregnancy talk. Probably…
Hmm…My dog is acting strange. He never sits that close to me, oh, he must know something I don’t…I must be pregnant!! (Or is it the manmade progesterone I’m taking that he’s sensing?)
He’s not thirsty, why is he not drinking his water? Yep, he’s acting weird!! It’s just gotta be!
(Or maybe he’s been drinking out of the toilet all day because hubby left the lid open)
Hmm…he didn’t eat all his food either. Yup, it’s a sign! (cause those cookies he got into earlier didn’t affect his appetite, right?)
Oh man, now he peed in the house!! Hm, well, that is a sure sign. He never goes potty in the house. I’m only 9 dpo but I definitely should take a pregnancy test.
BFN. The test is LYING!!! My dog can tell!
And speaking of, where’s the “PREGNANCY WHISPERER” when you need one?
(And yes, I have thought all these things. And guess what, my dog did the same things the next 2ww….)
Remember back in the day when you used to send your partner provocative texts about hot sex you were going to have as soon as you got home from work that night? They could have been funny, they could have been cute, but they all had to do with getting it on because you actually wanted to get it on.
Yeah, those days are long gone.
This week, all of my texts to my hubs have been about cycle monitoring (“my follicle fckers are just like me – slow but getting chubbier every day!” and “I love being lubed up before 8 in the morning”). Today, I sent a reminder to him about our IUI tomorrow morning:
“Remember, don’t pull it today – you have to perform at the clinic tomorrow!”
He replied with: “Don’t worry, I have been practicing for this day since I was 12.”
I posted this on my new blog today. I don’t know it made me laugh to myself and made me feel beteter.
These are the things that I have “lost” or maybe temporarily misplaced whilst TTC
1. My dignity. I am the first to admit at times this may go a begging. The other day in the bakery a lady asked how I was. For some reason I replied terrible I can’t get pregnant? Huh? Surprisingly this was a conversation starter, it took her three years. So sometimes losing your dignity can gain you a friend.
2. My self respect. I will try anything to get pregnant. Even it means standing on my head against a wall to let the sperm swim right down to the elusive egg inside of me. Come on…..you know you have done it.
3. My GSOH. I have always wanted to write that in a classified ad, woman seeks man, woman seeks friendship. So I finally figure out what it means and I can’t use it.
4. My abs. I don’t even have a baby and I have lost my once taut and terrific belly. I was so proud of it too. I used to sneak a look when I thought no one was around.
5. My will power against junk food. Gone, gone, gone.
6. My skinny blue jeans. See note 4 & 5
7. An ability to talk about pregnancy without resorting to the use of abbreviations. BFP, BFN (had this alot), POAS, HPT, OPK’s, EWCM, WCM, LOL, IYKNWIM.
8. An ability to have any conversation with my mother which doesn’t at some point end up with me throwing my hands up in the air and having a general rant about pregnancy.
and finally
9. My appreciation for sex. Sometimes it makes a rare appearance but these days it is normally about the baby dancin’ and less about the hot love. Although, in saying that whoever said a way to a mans heart was through the stomach never had to try for a long time to conceive. A way to a mans heart is clearly through other areas of his anatomy.
Am I the only one who has a husband who thinks I am completely crazy for being envious of pregnant women…especially close friends? I don’t feel like being social with them anymore (or at least not tonight or any night in the near future; ie next week, next month) because it would be easier to have my heart ripped out of my chest than to chat with them about how their pregnanacy is going while I sit hopelessly in front of them drinking a cocktail. I wish there was a way to avoid pregnant people at all costs, and I’ve come up with none with the exception of never leaving the house…which is financially impossible for me!
Hey at least when you get your period you can drink those two bottles of wine in your fridge without worrying that you might actually be pregnant this time…
I dont know how many have done it, or if its just me….but when expecting period(hopefully it wont come) or really expecting a positive and wiping the tissue paper to see light pink color…. there are times when the finger can be seen thru the wet tissue paper.
it somehow looks like you have got the dearest light pink bleeding, but the moment you remove the finger, its white paper again. but still you feel like just for the momentary happiness let me put the finger below the wet paper again and dream about me getting the joy of my life for now and never want to get out of the bathroom.
After 7 years of trying my damdest to get pregnant, I will be sitting in a military docs office tomorrow to embark on the ‘testing’ phase. Throughout this time I have watched all of our friends break the baby barrier…to include my 18 year old niece who is about to let loose her first child. Reading this blog is definately cheering me up. I’ve heard them all: “It’ll happen when it’s right”, “Maybe God has other plans”, “You should try…”, “We did this…”, blah, blah, blah. I finally had to post it on my facebook “ENOUGH!” and I just let them all have it. So here’s my addition to the suggestions: Just because I don’t have kids, doesn’t mean I should have to pay for yours!
This stems from an answering machine message I got a few years back when the Officer’s wives club (Air Force) were putting together an Easter Egg hunt for all the kids. On our machine…and believe me, I made my husband listen to it just to be sure I wasn’t hearing it wrong…was a message that stated “Mrs. S… this is Mrs. Blah blah calling from the Officer’s wives club. We are having our annual Easter Egg hunt at the squadron and we decided that those without kids should bring candy for the kids. If you could please call me back at ###-#### to let me know how much you will be bringing I’d appriciate it. Thanks”. It didn’t take me long to respond with “Mrs. Blah Blah, when you drop 2 bags of purina puppy chow off at my front door for my dog I’ll be more than happy to bring your fat ass kids their candy. Have a wonderful day.”
I am a Physichan and cognitive behavioral therapist, I am an infetility specialist focus in the emotional and psychological aspects of infertility. I live in Mexico City i am currently writing a book about emotional aspects of infertility and also doing some research. I am writing to you because i believe your blog is a wonderful way in coping with infertility. I will be more than happy to help you in this complicated journey.
sincerely
Karen Herrera, MD
Mexico City
i am kind of glad my friends have had their kids/fb isn’t going through the poo in the toilet crap. i do though have a friend who has an autistic son and to read that is sometimes hard – she is younger than me and had her kids by the time she was 30. i am lucky that of my friends, 3 couples didn’t have kids and we used to say to our friend who had three daughters she was having our kid. we were so lucky no one ever asked each other when we were having kids.
my sister who is 43 is having bub number 3 in 8-10 weeks. hasn’t been hard to cope with as she was late starting her family – 38 with her first son. we are hoping we might have a niece, grandaughter this time but as long as both are healthy is the main thing.
i do have a friend who had number 6 in march and i keep telling her she is having my share. i don’t know how she can even manage to have six as she has endo but she has had them and the last two were finaly boys after 4 girls. she is homeschooling them and for that is amazing – they are all ahead of where they should be so she is doing a great job.
i accepted long ago i was not going to have kids because of my pcos. my friend who also has it had ivf and finally after about 4 treatments they fell pregnant and he is going to be to this year. they had eggs still left and are still in storage but i don’t think they will go again due to their age and the fact that the son has got many allergies from mum and dad.
i feel for all the women out there who are young and just being diagnosed with endo, pcos or dh has low sperm count, poor swimmers. it is something you have to work through together and either accept that this is not for us/we are meant to do something else or go through the journey together and support each other when things don’t go the right way.
How about this…you can’t stand to hear your mother’s stories about when she was pregnant with you! When i was a kid, especially around my birthday, I used to love to hear my mom’s memories about her trip to the hospital, how long she was in labor with me, etc. I also used to laugh at her stories about how she got so sick when she was carrying me, and how I started to kick up a storm in the movie theater when they played that famous music piece from Chariots of Fire. My mom also used to tell me how her periods came like clockwork (mine do not), how the women on her side of the family are historically a very fertile bunch, and how she got pregnant with me accidentally the month after she went off birth control! Now i can’t STAND those stories!!!!
Does it sound crazy to be jealous of your own mom when she was pregnant with you? Does it sound quite insane…to be jealous of yourself (i.e. the newborn baby????)
I have gained a ton of weight because of all of the fertility drugs (okay, and maybe a little comfort eating here and there). I can’t be the only one, and we don’t have anything convenient to blame it on like motherhood.
Now I’m down because I can’t get pregnant and I’m a little fat
My husband and I have been trying for over 3 years with nothing working. The whole 5 people that know about it tell me “It will happen it when its time” “Its in Gods hands” ” Maybe God has other plans” I dont want to hear it. To see so many people that are so really dont need kids (they complain how they have no money, bad marriage, have to many they cant take care of now) but they try for more and get them. Im just tired of it all.
One of my second graders recently asked me, “How come you’re married but you don’t have kids?” At that moment I realized how much easier it is to be judged by adults because I can lash out with irrational comments that will eventually be chalked up to IF.
I’ve come up with some pretty creative responses to adults who question why after 6+ years of marriage and 6+ years of TTC we still don’t have kids, but my all-time favorite is “you’re welcome to try to get me pregnant because what we’re doing isn’t working.” That usually shuts them up and makes them as uncomfortable as I am to be having the conversation.
Anybody have any other responses that put people in their place? BTW I love this site:)
Here’s one for you… how about when the bill from the Infertility clinic shows up in my mail box on Mother’s Day? Here’s a listing of how much you have to pay to become a mother. No Joke!
In our family, when someone tells a story to out-do another, we call it a topper. Natalie…here’s my topper…
During infertility awareness week, (ttc for 6+years) I got to have a cancelled aggressive clomid with iui cycle. On mothers day, my best friend ( the concieve as soon as we try type) gets to have her first child. Got to spend mothers day in the maternity ward…holding someone elses gift. And she has the nerve to tell me how surprised she was that she was so comfortable with everyone “down there .” if only she knew how many people I’ve had there…..
I imagine ways to respond to people’s questions that would make them the most uncomfortable they could be. Like when people ask when you are going to have kids, you could answer, “I guess as I can get pregnant from anal sex” or something else along those lines.
First, please forgive me if this text sounds kind of bizarre but English is not my native language – I don’t know all the special (in)fertility vocabulary. But I have a reason that I would like to share with you:
We receive the most remarkable compliments – much fancier than the average woman in the average fertile world!
For us, it isn’t “Oh, nice haircut!” or “I like your new jumper!” No, we hear doctors raving about our endometrial lining (“14 mm! That’s very good!”) or, even better, about our follicles (“I can see a beautiful follicle, you will probably ovulate within the next two days!”).
Thanks doctor, you made my day. Only problem is, all I ever get is good news (“Everything’s just fine!”). Same goes for hubby (“Your spermiogram is so average, it’s almost boring!” – well, no, they didn’t really say that ). So how come I’m still not pregnant??? Is a two-years-wait still not long enough?
Maybe u have already covered these, but here we go:
1. You visit websites of conception psychics and pay 10 $ for a reading. She gets back to you with “you will be pregnant next month with triplets”. Next month when aunt flo shows up, you buy more readings off ebay from psychics with better “user reviews”.
2. (This is inspired by one of your user comments) You have a long list of favorite boy and girl names (since you had 5 long yrs to work on the list). But every one of them gets taken by your ohh so fertile friends, since now they are on their 3rd or 4th child.
You now have to research names used by the Bambara tribes of Mali to come up with a new and not so common name.
Fertiles steal your non-news–because there is just so much of it. When an iui fails, and you email your friend to tell her about your “non-news” she responds with, “My husband and I are thinking about trying for another baby in a few months. I just wanted to let you know.” Boom! And she steals your thunder! Of course, if you express your anger at her response, once again, the infertile, who is not “sensitive” the “joys of yet another baby” is the one left apologizing for not expressing excitement. This double-standard is worse than the “walk of shame” on a Saturday morning after a night of partying in college.
First up, this site is a lifesaver.
My reason is ‘You resort to reverse psychology with the Universe’
You’ve spent years hoping, praying, casting spells or whatever it is you do that the ‘universe’ will grant you your one wish – a baby.
But obviously the universe doesn’t want you you to have one. It can’t be that it can’t hear you, you’ve certainly screamed it out loud enough, so your only conclusion is that the universe a nasty, petulant 10 year old who is delibrately doing the opposite of what you ask, purely to aggravate you.
So how do you deal with with this beligerent 10 year old? Reverse Psychology of course!
Yes, I admit that for the past few cycles when I start to think ‘I hope this is the month’ or ‘please period, don’t come’ I try to mentally cut myself off and instead repeat a mantra of ‘I hope my period comes today so I can safely go on a drinking binge with the girls tonight’ or ‘I hope I don’t get pregnant until my gym membership expires so I can keep doing four pump classes a week and get my moneys worth’
Of couse these mantras are complete fabrications, but I’m hoping the univerese won’t catch on to my deceit – and true to form do the complete opposite to my requests and make me pregnant without any medical chemical or maybe even ’spermatic’ assistance. That universe is so conniving I wouldn’t put immaculate conception past it!
My husband’s idea of a vacation is to go to Indiana and hang out with his very fertile family. We live in Florida and we could be doing so many fun things like the beach, Disney World, Key West, watching space shuttle launch etc. However, Indiana is my hubby’s idea of a vacation and gets upset with me if I make reference to the fact that it is not really a vacation.
So now my favorite part of infertility is “I’d love to come to Indiana to burn up my vacation all week but I have to save my vacation for my treatments” (partially the truth, partially an excuse not to spend my 10th vacation in 5 years in Indiana).
(As my students practiced food words in Spanish) at the mention of “egg” I wondered what the word for sperm is. That is SO not part of the curriculum!!!!
We have been trying for a baby for 4 and half years now, and have suffered 4 miscarriages in that process. My doctor prescribed me with chlomid 6 months ago no joy yet but it has regualted my period, which helps to give an indication of when i’m likely to be ovulating. The funny thing i’m experiencing is that it seems to me that something always come up during my most fertile time which affects us trying to conceive! Ie, I’m ill, or he’s ill, inlaws come over (we live in a 2 bedroom house so it gets like a campsite!), he has to go away on a busness trip, etc etc!!! I can plan but God seems to be the best of planners!!
Here’s my submission: You have a special place in your closet where you have dust collecting baby clothes and/or toys that you have bought over the year(s) because you thought that this month was the month. So thinking that this month was the month, you went and bought that cute little, non-gender revealing outfit that cried out to you in the store in order to surprise your hubby when you finally got your BFP! But of course AF showed up and it got regulated to that special place in your closet with all the others. Now its too painful to even look at day to day so you hide the stuff behind your other clothes. Move it to a lesser used closet, where you don’t have to see it everyday.
Okay so I know you did one on things you google, but I just google’d …does sneezing prevent implantation, and thought of your blog.
Also, you should do one on varying degrees of breast tenderness. We need some kind of guage on whether it is easing up or getting worse…..severe=not being able to walk without pain, etc.
When my niece and nephew found out I wanted a baby, I started getting fertility advice from PrincessDora (niece). She was 6 at the time. She’d already figured out that babies come from eggs. Moms have eggs inside them, and they hafta pick somebody to be the dad. Sometimes they get married and sometimes they don’t. Good eggs make good babies. She figured out that I probably had bad eggs. So…while at the local grocery store, she noticed the great variety of eggs available. I always picked whichever one was on sale.
PD: Why do you only get that kind of eggs?
ME: They’re the least expensive, that’s why.
PD: You mean they’re cheap?
ME: Ha, ha. Yes. They’re the cheapest.
PD: Well…you said cheap stuff is bad.
ME: Not always. Eggs and milk are pretty much the same.
PD: Hmmm. Ok.
That weekend, she came home from grandpa’s with a dozen free range Eggland’s Best eggs. It seems she told St.Dad that I really needed to get special eggs, and he gives her anything she wants. When the expensive eggs failed to get the desired result, she brought it up next time we were at the store. I should start buying the even more expensive brown eggs cuz obviously the other kind aren’t meant for brown people. I got a cramp from laughing.
The other day when I was in the checkout line at the grocery store, I did a double take at the items being bought by the elderly man behind me. All he was buying was three half gallons of ice cream and the hugest jar of pickles I had ever seen. All I could think was “Damn, now even 70 year old men are getting pregnant before me.” I wasn’t sure whether to laugh or cry…. so I did both
because I don’t feel better because you ‘have to get up all times of the night’, or because I ‘get to go home to a quiet house’, or because you ‘have to pay out for child care’! And that sly grin you give me when your kid is screaming and you queitly wink at me and say “are you sure you want kids?” For all these reasons I sometimes feel like poking you in the eye with a red hot poker!!!!!!!!!
Amen, Emma, amen. May I also add… Just wait til you have kids.., your house will never be this clean. Ever hear the poem titled” fingerprints?”. Ugh! I pray for dirty windows and tons of laundry to do!!!
Friends who know we’ve been trying to get pregnant (for years) do one of two things: 1) if they have children, they try to equate themselves to infertiles. Example: “I know exactly how you feel! I struggled with infertility too! We tried for four months before getting pregnant with our third child and it was so heart breaking each month when I got my period.” or 2) when they do get pregnant, they drop off the face of the earth. “Hmm, haven’t talked to so and so for months! Grrr… She must be pregnant!” (Take a moment to check facebook status from two months ago–yep, “expecting”) The positive of the second is since the new mother to be feels too guilty about getting pregnant so easily, she doesn’t send you a baby shower invite.
Know the phrase “Always a bridesmaid, never a bride”? Well, I’ve just thought of another one related to my infertility. “Always an aunt, never a mother.”
I’m the captain of my own awesome infertility ship.
As a way to update facebook followers who want to know without bothering those who don’t (like my brother, bless his heart), I started posting my updates as if I were a captain of a spaceship trying to leave Earth.
Each ultrasound became a preflight check as we sought to desperately please the engineering techs (RE’s nurse’s team) who sign off on the flight. Finally, we schedule the launch, and enter stage 1. Two weeks to wait to find out if we enter stage 2, or return to base as another failure to launch. (so far that’s as far as I’ve gotten, but I’m firing retrorockets the first time I see the heartbeat!)
Screw you guys, I’m going to space!
Social Media Sucks When You are Infertile
Many claim social media as the greatest medium of our generation.
Sure social media sites and applications like twitter, facebook, myspace, linked-in, Four Square, etc. are supposed to give us all a sense of community. In my experience, they’ve just allienated me more as an Infertile. I’ve decided to take a little facebook vacation because i can’t stand hearing about former colleagues, high school classmates, etc. all SCREAM about their pregnancies on facebook, how their baby “pooed on the potty,” etc. Also, i really don’t need to see a photo of your nipples, even if your baby’s mouth is somewhat attached to it.
So i submit to you, the Infertile’s guide to social media…
Linked In (professional networking site, includes resume, job history)
Jane X is a seasoned marketing professional, with 10+ years in the industry.
As you will see she is no longer employed b/c she got fired for missing too many hours of work due to endless fertility treatments and appointments. She’d like to be employed, but is really looking for a job that let’s her work part time, allowing ample time for surfing the internet, especially during the 2ww. Oh, and if you have health insurance fertility coverage – sign me up, i’ll work for free.
Facebook: The “What are you doing” prompt just begs for a status update each time i log on. Oh facebook, i really don’t think you want me to update my “status” with any of the following:
-inserting my finger into my cervix trying to determine if it’s period blood or implantation
-having a discussion with my husband about marketing a “boob scale” so women in the 2ww could objectively determine if their boobs are bigger, heavier.
-shooting up (no, not like that …)
-brainstorming about excuses not to attend dear friend’s daugther’s first birthday party.
-re-ordering my husbands fertility vitamins, again. I refuse to buy the 6 month supply because we just won’t need them for that long! (it’s been 14 months)
Four Square (new social networking site that lets you “sign in” to cool locations and your followers know where you are. Usually reads something like, I just arrived at (hot new club, yoga studio, wine bar, etc.)
Is there a Four Square for the infertile?
I just arrived at morning monitoring
I’m headed to my third pharmacy to source my fertility meds
i’m in the stirrups, being inseminated, hopefully making a baby
i’m in the bathroom having a meltdown, based on what i just saw in my underwear
i’m at the drugstore buying tampons, damn u tampons, and ovulation predictor kits.
I have stopped telling people when I feel pregnant, because I seem to be so psychosomatic and I have these symptoms and then I get my period and it turns out it was all bullshit that I was creating in myself. So now, I just don’t say anything, I don’t even report these symptoms to the doctor for the same reason – in a week, I will know if these symptoms were real or in my head, no need to embarrass myself by disclosing it all now.
You eat ice cream (though you’re lacto) and curry 4dp3dt in order to feel those elusive “cramps” everyone else seems to have.
1) Dressing during the trend of the empire waist…like I don’t have enough people looking quesioningly at my stomach, now when I go shopping I have to think if I wear this at a family gathering what questions will I have to field.
2) The baby + bonus……. Did you know that once you have a baby you not only get the baby that you always dreamed off but… your face no longer breaks out…..you don’t get migraines anymore…..etc
So my life has now become broken into two cycles. The time that I know I am not pregnant and the two week wait. I think it is so funny all of the stupid things I do during the two week wait, like watch those crazy tv shows with all of the kids-18 kids and couning, and a baby story. Then I wait for symptons and convince myself that all my PMS symptoms can’t be real. Anyway, I would love a list of activities to occupy your time during the two week wait.
ectopic pregnancy…. all the joys of a first trimester pregnancy, followed by an expensive surgical procedure that may damage your fertility further, without the hassle of an actual baby!
Well, I must have had the most funny IVF conversation today. My 80 year old mother in law wanted to know “what they do to me in hospital” where I’ll go on Monday for my frozen embryo transfer. But she didn’t understand “egg cells” or “embryos” and I didn’t really want to go into “sperm”. Have a look at my blog if you like, but explaining IVF to elderly people is kind of funny, if VERY embarrasing!
April Fools jokes – people who just got pregnant on cycle #1 telling everyone 3 months after they popped the first one out that they’re pregnant again. Yes…that’s super funny for those of us who have been trying since April 1, 1999!
When pregnant ladies get special treatment at shopping malls, restaurants, public transportation. I mean, I get it. You are tired. You are swollen. Deep down somewhere I am happy for you. The special treatment seems to shine a spotlight on the pregnant ladies; a huge neon sign above them blinking “I’m pregnant, you’re not!” BUT, the fact is that just seeing your swollen belly and happy face while shopping for new bras just made me burst into tears and cry all the way home. Does this mean I need therapy? It’s pretty bad that while I should be celebrating the new life this stranger is carrying, instead I take it personally and cry “why not me?” Is it possilble to be normal AND avoid all public places where there may be a pregnant lady?
You have mad skills at disassembling a pineapple.
You are at a party and your friend needs some fresh pineapple cut for the pina coladas. You offer your services, and to your friends amazement you can core, skin, and chop up a pineapple in 2 minutes flat. Little does she know that you do this every month because it is supposed to help with implantation.
It’s raining. My husband’s driving. I’m at the passenger seat looking at rain drops being chased away by wind on the window and I started to cheer the rain drops “go spermies, go.” I don’t think I’m crazy but they really do look like sperms racing towards an egg.
Try watching the water on your car window while driving in the rain. Little spermies.
During IVF, you get a taste of looking pregnant via bloating and OHSS without the excuse of actually BEING pregnant. Plus, you have the challenge of losing Bloat Baby without the help of breast feeding.
Also, I like the way Celebrity Mothers over 35 magically become pregnant with twins. It’s a MIRACLE!! Celebrities are not ordinary people like you and me…and god forbid they go through any fertility treatment. How taboo… Thanks…thanks for making us feel like sht.
Annoyed by two kinds of pregnant girls:
First there are the girls who literally have the kahunas to COMPLAIN about being pregnant. “I am so miserable” or “I am so fat” or “Nothing fits me” or “When can I get this baby out of me?”…blah, blah, blah! Seriously, they do not know what miserable is! You want to scream at them how miserable you are laying there with catheters inserted in your va-ja-ja wiggling around, or waiting for the dye to make it’s way through during the HSG, or your sweet “Cybil” moments from all the hormones you have been loading up on.
And then there are the “praggers”. Girls who continulously brag about being pregnant. Again, girls who are completely insenstitive to the infertile. “It only took us two tries and here we are” or “My husband and I are baby-making machines” or my favorite “Someday you’ll be blessed like we are…you just have to stop thinking about it. That’s what we did”. You want to tell her how you really weren’t thinking about it until she brought it up; Bi-otch!
One of the many lessons I am sure I will learn from all this is… sensitivity. I take an oath that if, I mean when, it does happen for me that I will not post fb belly updates, I will not brag and I will certainly not complain about being pregnant. If I do…my girlfriends have permission to bi**ch slap me:)
Because you’ve stopped speaking to your husband in actual sentences like, “The pregnancy test came out negative” and started saying things that no one but him would understand like, “Let’s have sushi and Bourbon for dinner tonight.”
I had a thought the other day (after yet ANOTHER surprise FB pregnancy) that I am really looking forward to turning 40 because there will be no more pregnancy talk. Probably…
How about “My dog must know I’m pregnant”
Hmm…My dog is acting strange. He never sits that close to me, oh, he must know something I don’t…I must be pregnant!! (Or is it the manmade progesterone I’m taking that he’s sensing?)
He’s not thirsty, why is he not drinking his water? Yep, he’s acting weird!! It’s just gotta be!
(Or maybe he’s been drinking out of the toilet all day because hubby left the lid open)
Hmm…he didn’t eat all his food either. Yup, it’s a sign! (cause those cookies he got into earlier didn’t affect his appetite, right?)
Oh man, now he peed in the house!! Hm, well, that is a sure sign. He never goes potty in the house. I’m only 9 dpo but I definitely should take a pregnancy test.
BFN. The test is LYING!!! My dog can tell!
And speaking of, where’s the “PREGNANCY WHISPERER” when you need one?
(And yes, I have thought all these things. And guess what, my dog did the same things the next 2ww….)
Reason #?????: Sexy texts are a thing of the past
Remember back in the day when you used to send your partner provocative texts about hot sex you were going to have as soon as you got home from work that night? They could have been funny, they could have been cute, but they all had to do with getting it on because you actually wanted to get it on.
Yeah, those days are long gone.
This week, all of my texts to my hubs have been about cycle monitoring (“my follicle fckers are just like me – slow but getting chubbier every day!” and “I love being lubed up before 8 in the morning”). Today, I sent a reminder to him about our IUI tomorrow morning:
“Remember, don’t pull it today – you have to perform at the clinic tomorrow!”
He replied with: “Don’t worry, I have been practicing for this day since I was 12.”
Ahhh, infertility romance via text message.
I posted this on my new blog today. I don’t know it made me laugh to myself and made me feel beteter.
These are the things that I have “lost” or maybe temporarily misplaced whilst TTC
1. My dignity. I am the first to admit at times this may go a begging. The other day in the bakery a lady asked how I was. For some reason I replied terrible I can’t get pregnant? Huh? Surprisingly this was a conversation starter, it took her three years. So sometimes losing your dignity can gain you a friend.
2. My self respect. I will try anything to get pregnant. Even it means standing on my head against a wall to let the sperm swim right down to the elusive egg inside of me. Come on…..you know you have done it.
3. My GSOH. I have always wanted to write that in a classified ad, woman seeks man, woman seeks friendship. So I finally figure out what it means and I can’t use it.
4. My abs. I don’t even have a baby and I have lost my once taut and terrific belly. I was so proud of it too. I used to sneak a look when I thought no one was around.
5. My will power against junk food. Gone, gone, gone.
6. My skinny blue jeans. See note 4 & 5
7. An ability to talk about pregnancy without resorting to the use of abbreviations. BFP, BFN (had this alot), POAS, HPT, OPK’s, EWCM, WCM, LOL, IYKNWIM.
8. An ability to have any conversation with my mother which doesn’t at some point end up with me throwing my hands up in the air and having a general rant about pregnancy.
and finally
9. My appreciation for sex. Sometimes it makes a rare appearance but these days it is normally about the baby dancin’ and less about the hot love. Although, in saying that whoever said a way to a mans heart was through the stomach never had to try for a long time to conceive. A way to a mans heart is clearly through other areas of his anatomy.
Am I the only one who has a husband who thinks I am completely crazy for being envious of pregnant women…especially close friends? I don’t feel like being social with them anymore (or at least not tonight or any night in the near future; ie next week, next month) because it would be easier to have my heart ripped out of my chest than to chat with them about how their pregnanacy is going while I sit hopelessly in front of them drinking a cocktail. I wish there was a way to avoid pregnant people at all costs, and I’ve come up with none with the exception of never leaving the house…which is financially impossible for me!
Hey at least when you get your period you can drink those two bottles of wine in your fridge without worrying that you might actually be pregnant this time…
I dont know how many have done it, or if its just me….but when expecting period(hopefully it wont come) or really expecting a positive and wiping the tissue paper to see light pink color…. there are times when the finger can be seen thru the wet tissue paper.
it somehow looks like you have got the dearest light pink bleeding, but the moment you remove the finger, its white paper again. but still you feel like just for the momentary happiness let me put the finger below the wet paper again and dream about me getting the joy of my life for now and never want to get out of the bathroom.
After 7 years of trying my damdest to get pregnant, I will be sitting in a military docs office tomorrow to embark on the ‘testing’ phase. Throughout this time I have watched all of our friends break the baby barrier…to include my 18 year old niece who is about to let loose her first child. Reading this blog is definately cheering me up. I’ve heard them all: “It’ll happen when it’s right”, “Maybe God has other plans”, “You should try…”, “We did this…”, blah, blah, blah. I finally had to post it on my facebook “ENOUGH!” and I just let them all have it. So here’s my addition to the suggestions: Just because I don’t have kids, doesn’t mean I should have to pay for yours!
This stems from an answering machine message I got a few years back when the Officer’s wives club (Air Force) were putting together an Easter Egg hunt for all the kids. On our machine…and believe me, I made my husband listen to it just to be sure I wasn’t hearing it wrong…was a message that stated “Mrs. S… this is Mrs. Blah blah calling from the Officer’s wives club. We are having our annual Easter Egg hunt at the squadron and we decided that those without kids should bring candy for the kids. If you could please call me back at ###-#### to let me know how much you will be bringing I’d appriciate it. Thanks”. It didn’t take me long to respond with “Mrs. Blah Blah, when you drop 2 bags of purina puppy chow off at my front door for my dog I’ll be more than happy to bring your fat ass kids their candy. Have a wonderful day.”
We know what the “f” in Gonal-F stands for.
Dear Naomi:
I am a Physichan and cognitive behavioral therapist, I am an infetility specialist focus in the emotional and psychological aspects of infertility. I live in Mexico City i am currently writing a book about emotional aspects of infertility and also doing some research. I am writing to you because i believe your blog is a wonderful way in coping with infertility. I will be more than happy to help you in this complicated journey.
sincerely
Karen Herrera, MD
Mexico City
i am kind of glad my friends have had their kids/fb isn’t going through the poo in the toilet crap. i do though have a friend who has an autistic son and to read that is sometimes hard – she is younger than me and had her kids by the time she was 30. i am lucky that of my friends, 3 couples didn’t have kids and we used to say to our friend who had three daughters she was having our kid. we were so lucky no one ever asked each other when we were having kids.
my sister who is 43 is having bub number 3 in 8-10 weeks. hasn’t been hard to cope with as she was late starting her family – 38 with her first son. we are hoping we might have a niece, grandaughter this time but as long as both are healthy is the main thing.
i do have a friend who had number 6 in march and i keep telling her she is having my share. i don’t know how she can even manage to have six as she has endo but she has had them and the last two were finaly boys after 4 girls. she is homeschooling them and for that is amazing – they are all ahead of where they should be so she is doing a great job.
i accepted long ago i was not going to have kids because of my pcos. my friend who also has it had ivf and finally after about 4 treatments they fell pregnant and he is going to be to this year. they had eggs still left and are still in storage but i don’t think they will go again due to their age and the fact that the son has got many allergies from mum and dad.
i feel for all the women out there who are young and just being diagnosed with endo, pcos or dh has low sperm count, poor swimmers. it is something you have to work through together and either accept that this is not for us/we are meant to do something else or go through the journey together and support each other when things don’t go the right way.
How about this…you can’t stand to hear your mother’s stories about when she was pregnant with you! When i was a kid, especially around my birthday, I used to love to hear my mom’s memories about her trip to the hospital, how long she was in labor with me, etc. I also used to laugh at her stories about how she got so sick when she was carrying me, and how I started to kick up a storm in the movie theater when they played that famous music piece from Chariots of Fire. My mom also used to tell me how her periods came like clockwork (mine do not), how the women on her side of the family are historically a very fertile bunch, and how she got pregnant with me accidentally the month after she went off birth control! Now i can’t STAND those stories!!!!
Does it sound crazy to be jealous of your own mom when she was pregnant with you? Does it sound quite insane…to be jealous of yourself (i.e. the newborn baby????)
I know! How about the no-baby weight?
I have gained a ton of weight because of all of the fertility drugs (okay, and maybe a little comfort eating here and there). I can’t be the only one, and we don’t have anything convenient to blame it on like motherhood.
Now I’m down because I can’t get pregnant and I’m a little fat
My husband and I have been trying for over 3 years with nothing working. The whole 5 people that know about it tell me “It will happen it when its time” “Its in Gods hands” ” Maybe God has other plans” I dont want to hear it. To see so many people that are so really dont need kids (they complain how they have no money, bad marriage, have to many they cant take care of now) but they try for more and get them. Im just tired of it all.
One of my second graders recently asked me, “How come you’re married but you don’t have kids?” At that moment I realized how much easier it is to be judged by adults because I can lash out with irrational comments that will eventually be chalked up to IF.
I’ve come up with some pretty creative responses to adults who question why after 6+ years of marriage and 6+ years of TTC we still don’t have kids, but my all-time favorite is “you’re welcome to try to get me pregnant because what we’re doing isn’t working.” That usually shuts them up and makes them as uncomfortable as I am to be having the conversation.
Anybody have any other responses that put people in their place? BTW I love this site:)
Nicole I love that “you’re welcome to try to get me pregnant because what we’re doing isn’t working.” thats so funny..
Here’s one for you… how about when the bill from the Infertility clinic shows up in my mail box on Mother’s Day? Here’s a listing of how much you have to pay to become a mother. No Joke!
In our family, when someone tells a story to out-do another, we call it a topper. Natalie…here’s my topper…
During infertility awareness week, (ttc for 6+years) I got to have a cancelled aggressive clomid with iui cycle. On mothers day, my best friend ( the concieve as soon as we try type) gets to have her first child. Got to spend mothers day in the maternity ward…holding someone elses gift. And she has the nerve to tell me how surprised she was that she was so comfortable with everyone “down there .” if only she knew how many people I’ve had there…..
I imagine ways to respond to people’s questions that would make them the most uncomfortable they could be. Like when people ask when you are going to have kids, you could answer, “I guess as I can get pregnant from anal sex” or something else along those lines.
First, please forgive me if this text sounds kind of bizarre but English is not my native language – I don’t know all the special (in)fertility vocabulary. But I have a reason that I would like to share with you:
We receive the most remarkable compliments – much fancier than the average woman in the average fertile world!
For us, it isn’t “Oh, nice haircut!” or “I like your new jumper!” No, we hear doctors raving about our endometrial lining (“14 mm! That’s very good!”) or, even better, about our follicles (“I can see a beautiful follicle, you will probably ovulate within the next two days!”).
Thanks doctor, you made my day. Only problem is, all I ever get is good news (“Everything’s just fine!”). Same goes for hubby (“Your spermiogram is so average, it’s almost boring!” – well, no, they didn’t really say that
). So how come I’m still not pregnant??? Is a two-years-wait still not long enough?
Sylvia…so true!
Maybe u have already covered these, but here we go:
1. You visit websites of conception psychics and pay 10 $ for a reading. She gets back to you with “you will be pregnant next month with triplets”. Next month when aunt flo shows up, you buy more readings off ebay from psychics with better “user reviews”.
2. (This is inspired by one of your user comments) You have a long list of favorite boy and girl names (since you had 5 long yrs to work on the list). But every one of them gets taken by your ohh so fertile friends, since now they are on their 3rd or 4th child.
You now have to research names used by the Bambara tribes of Mali to come up with a new and not so common name.
Fertiles steal your non-news–because there is just so much of it. When an iui fails, and you email your friend to tell her about your “non-news” she responds with, “My husband and I are thinking about trying for another baby in a few months. I just wanted to let you know.” Boom! And she steals your thunder! Of course, if you express your anger at her response, once again, the infertile, who is not “sensitive” the “joys of yet another baby” is the one left apologizing for not expressing excitement. This double-standard is worse than the “walk of shame” on a Saturday morning after a night of partying in college.
First up, this site is a lifesaver.
My reason is ‘You resort to reverse psychology with the Universe’
You’ve spent years hoping, praying, casting spells or whatever it is you do that the ‘universe’ will grant you your one wish – a baby.
But obviously the universe doesn’t want you you to have one. It can’t be that it can’t hear you, you’ve certainly screamed it out loud enough, so your only conclusion is that the universe a nasty, petulant 10 year old who is delibrately doing the opposite of what you ask, purely to aggravate you.
So how do you deal with with this beligerent 10 year old? Reverse Psychology of course!
Yes, I admit that for the past few cycles when I start to think ‘I hope this is the month’ or ‘please period, don’t come’ I try to mentally cut myself off and instead repeat a mantra of ‘I hope my period comes today so I can safely go on a drinking binge with the girls tonight’ or ‘I hope I don’t get pregnant until my gym membership expires so I can keep doing four pump classes a week and get my moneys worth’
Of couse these mantras are complete fabrications, but I’m hoping the univerese won’t catch on to my deceit – and true to form do the complete opposite to my requests and make me pregnant without any medical chemical or maybe even ’spermatic’ assistance. That universe is so conniving I wouldn’t put immaculate conception past it!
My husband’s idea of a vacation is to go to Indiana and hang out with his very fertile family. We live in Florida and we could be doing so many fun things like the beach, Disney World, Key West, watching space shuttle launch etc. However, Indiana is my hubby’s idea of a vacation and gets upset with me if I make reference to the fact that it is not really a vacation.
So now my favorite part of infertility is “I’d love to come to Indiana to burn up my vacation all week but I have to save my vacation for my treatments” (partially the truth, partially an excuse not to spend my 10th vacation in 5 years in Indiana).
(As my students practiced food words in Spanish) at the mention of “egg” I wondered what the word for sperm is. That is SO not part of the curriculum!!!!
We have been trying for a baby for 4 and half years now, and have suffered 4 miscarriages in that process. My doctor prescribed me with chlomid 6 months ago no joy yet but it has regualted my period, which helps to give an indication of when i’m likely to be ovulating. The funny thing i’m experiencing is that it seems to me that something always come up during my most fertile time which affects us trying to conceive! Ie, I’m ill, or he’s ill, inlaws come over (we live in a 2 bedroom house so it gets like a campsite!), he has to go away on a busness trip, etc etc!!! I can plan but God seems to be the best of planners!!
Here’s my submission: You have a special place in your closet where you have dust collecting baby clothes and/or toys that you have bought over the year(s) because you thought that this month was the month. So thinking that this month was the month, you went and bought that cute little, non-gender revealing outfit that cried out to you in the store in order to surprise your hubby when you finally got your BFP! But of course AF showed up and it got regulated to that special place in your closet with all the others. Now its too painful to even look at day to day so you hide the stuff behind your other clothes. Move it to a lesser used closet, where you don’t have to see it everyday.
Okay so I know you did one on things you google, but I just google’d …does sneezing prevent implantation, and thought of your blog.
Also, you should do one on varying degrees of breast tenderness. We need some kind of guage on whether it is easing up or getting worse…..severe=not being able to walk without pain, etc.
When my niece and nephew found out I wanted a baby, I started getting fertility advice from PrincessDora (niece). She was 6 at the time. She’d already figured out that babies come from eggs. Moms have eggs inside them, and they hafta pick somebody to be the dad. Sometimes they get married and sometimes they don’t. Good eggs make good babies. She figured out that I probably had bad eggs. So…while at the local grocery store, she noticed the great variety of eggs available. I always picked whichever one was on sale.
PD: Why do you only get that kind of eggs?
ME: They’re the least expensive, that’s why.
PD: You mean they’re cheap?
ME: Ha, ha. Yes. They’re the cheapest.
PD: Well…you said cheap stuff is bad.
ME: Not always. Eggs and milk are pretty much the same.
PD: Hmmm. Ok.
That weekend, she came home from grandpa’s with a dozen free range Eggland’s Best eggs. It seems she told St.Dad that I really needed to get special eggs, and he gives her anything she wants. When the expensive eggs failed to get the desired result, she brought it up next time we were at the store. I should start buying the even more expensive brown eggs cuz obviously the other kind aren’t meant for brown people. I got a cramp from laughing.
The other day when I was in the checkout line at the grocery store, I did a double take at the items being bought by the elderly man behind me. All he was buying was three half gallons of ice cream and the hugest jar of pickles I had ever seen. All I could think was “Damn, now even 70 year old men are getting pregnant before me.” I wasn’t sure whether to laugh or cry…. so I did both
because I don’t feel better because you ‘have to get up all times of the night’, or because I ‘get to go home to a quiet house’, or because you ‘have to pay out for child care’! And that sly grin you give me when your kid is screaming and you queitly wink at me and say “are you sure you want kids?” For all these reasons I sometimes feel like poking you in the eye with a red hot poker!!!!!!!!!
Amen, Emma, amen. May I also add… Just wait til you have kids.., your house will never be this clean. Ever hear the poem titled” fingerprints?”. Ugh! I pray for dirty windows and tons of laundry to do!!!