Dear Starbucks Customer Service,
You should really offer your female customers a Menstrual Cycle Day, half-priced Frappuccino. This will help decrease our anger and make us feel just a tiny bit better as we have an emotional breakdown inside your bathroom. You can call it the Bitchin’ Grande, Extra Caffeinated, Extra Mocha, My Period Just Arrived, High Fat, Whipped and Spiked Frappuccino.
Listed below, I have also included some other Frappuccino suggestions on your coffee menu.
Drizzled with some ‘Why the hell did I waste money on another pregnancy stick‘ syrup combined with extra caffeinated (non-decaf) coffee, fresh extra fat milk, blended with ice and heartache, and deliciously topped with whipped cream and a swirl of Fu!&ck This!
The Male Factor Infertility Frappuccino
A unique combination of multi-vitamins including Vitamin E, Zinc and FertilAid, topped with “You better stay away from that hot tub” syrup, a touch of coffee and fresh (non-soy) milk blended with extra ice (no overheating!) and sprinkled with regular exercise and a healthy weight. Drink no more than every other day.
The Relax and it will Happen Frappuccino
A stress-free blend of “your fertility advice sucks” syrup; sprinkled with “I went on vacation and didn’t come back pregnant” topping; blended with some decadent “I stopped thinking about it and it didn’t happen” cookie crumble. Extra caffeinated, please.
The Failed IVF Frappuccino
A painful blend of a negative beta mixed with”I just paid $10,000 for my period” sauce. Drizzled with “I still have leftover fertility drugs in my refrigerator” and spiked with alcohol. This Frappuccino should be free of charge considering you have no money left.
The Kickin Infertility Ass Frappuccino
A decadent blend of optimism and perseverance; combined with determination and a little acupuncture; Sprinkled with everlasting hope, baby dust and lots of chocolate.