Thanks Aunt Gertrude, that is such great advice! It did take us over six months to get an appointment with this doctor but I’ll just switch clinics and patiently wait another six months to see someone else. Because infertiles are very patient, you know.
You have a fertility clinic. You have a fertility doctor. You have a fertility program. You are finally comfortable talking about ‘cervical mucus’ in front of the fertility interns. But family members always seem to think that going to a new doctor will solve your problem. “Cousin Lindsey just got pregnant by Doctor Uterus. Why don’t you try going to that doctor instead? I already have his number.”
Thanks.
If you’ve been going to the fertility clinic awhile, you do often think about getting a second opinion. Maybe you even have. It took you months to get the second opinion appointment and you felt like you were cheating on your clinic when you had to ask them for a copy of your extremely large file. And do you know what the second opinion doctor said? “Yup. Looks like you’re infertile. I agree with the protocol and diagnosis.”
So it makes you even more upset when someone offers that advice “Why don’t you just switch fertility clinics?” Like it’s the easiest thing to do. To start over. When you’re semi comfortable now with seeing your old friend transvaginal wand and all the nurses (and interns) that have seen your lady parts more times than your husband. Those well-meaning relatives make it sound so easy when giving fertility advice. And, for some reason, they always start their advice rant with ‘why don’t you just…’
- Why don’t you just switch fertility clinics? My friend’s daughter’s wax lady got pregnant by Doctor Follicle. Here’s the number.
- Why don’t you just adopt? Just fill out a form and a brand new baby will be delivered within days!
- Why don’t you just try acupuncture?
- Why don’t you just try Raspberry Leaf Tea?
- Why don’t you just RELAX?
Thanks a lot. Why don’t you just stop giving us fertility advice?
(Circle & Bloom is offering 15% discount off their fertility programs until Jan 31. Enter discount code 999Reasons15)
I actually tried 3 different doctors. With the 3rd doc (who is at the same clinic at doc #1) i called, said i want to do IVF but not with Doc1 i want Doc 3. No problem they said. Man, if i knew it was that easy, i would have done that months ago.
*sigh* It’s amazing how people feel SO comfortable with giving advice when they know NOTHING about the situation. Nosy & opinionated (especially when they’re clueless) relatives are so aggravating!
And the “Why don’t you relax” bit is the most annoying! Sure, because relaxing will definitely allow my pcos ridden ovaries to ovulate on their own. Right on. My BOSS actually did the “why don’t you adopt bit”. Sure, because that’s easy and doesn’t take forever and is a definite guarantee of a baby! I think I looked at her like she had 5 heads! The worse part was that she added…”then I bet you’ll get pregnant”. Yeah-because that’s a good reason for adopting!
Rant end.
My mother constantly says this to me. I like my dr so back off. It has been ONE full cycle not 500 cycles. Although now my mother has just said that I will just have to get used to people getting pregnant before me and listed off names of people that haven’t even started about trying a family yet as if they are going to get pregnant first. Thanks for support Mum!
I can definitely say now that I did the whole relax thing and it didn’t work for us. Four months of not thinking about it, chilling out, drinking and eating has just led me to IVF #2 at the start of February. Don’t tell me to relax, ok it means shit. I might have unexplained but relaxing aint helping.
“Just do IVF if you want to get pregnant”
That’s the one that causes me pause. There is this perception that IVF is a sure-fire way to get knocked up. If only…
Being told to relax probably bugs me the most. Do people think we were already stressed when we started? I think we started out like most poeple just going off the pill and assuming things would happen naturally. We weren’t stressed or even really trying and it never happened. I would say after 7 years and no explaination it’s OK to be concerned.
BTW I went to a wedding this weekend only to discover my cousin who is living in his parents basement has knocked his girlfriend up and she will be moving in with his parents soon too. This heartwarming situation has me feeling anything but relaxed!
7 years and counting–AGREED! I loathe being told to relax… or better yet, “Just stop trying and it’ll happen”. Really?! Because “stop trying” to me means reinstating the birth control and pretty sure if it isn’t happening now, it’s definitely not happening then.
HAHAHA so true my religious friend was like oh just adopt there are so many babies out there that needs home!! I’m thinking just cause you have 5 boys of your own.. who are you to tell me?!?!
And having everyone look at my lady parts.. my friend says it best “its pay per view” ha ha ha ha i pay for you all to view
I got an interesting take on the “relax” theme last week – a co-worker told me that she thinks that our bodys just “know” when the time is “right”. And when we’re stressed out, etc, the time is not “right”. Yup. That’s why I haven’t gotten KU in 22 cycles. It just isn’t the right time. Nothing to do with my husband’s abnormal sperm. At all.
sassy…payperview, ahahhhaa I love it!! I’m sooo using that from now on!
What a (sadly) true post Naomi!!
ah yes….i’ll just switch RE’s….especially since i have just spent $20,000 on a multi-try IVF package through this doctor….yeah, why don’t i just toss that money out the window and just pick up and try another one?
HOW do you tell people that have no business giving advice on infertility treatments to buzz off? i really really really need something tactful to say instead of saying in the most indignant tone “really? you have mutiple children and you’re going to give ME advice on how to handle my infertility?”
I found this book and had to share it. Millions of people worldwide suffer from infertility, which many do not realize is a biological, psychological, social and spiritual crisis that can take years to come to resolution. Helen Adrienne’s new book, On Fertile Ground: Healing Infertility is not only a explanation of the infertility experience, but it also puts the challenge in perspective, provides a mind/body program to deal with this adversity and reframes the situation in ways that allow for enormous growth. http://bit.ly/fAWsAm
Aren’t relatives so much fun! – well, sometimes they do act like they truly care and are trying to understand…I wish it were always…
My family keeps asking me “why don’t you switch to this RE? Your sister met him randomly at a dinner on the other side of the country and he said he was the best in your area… and his success rates are higher, (it doesn’t matter that the sample size is small) he must be the better RE. Why don’t you switch? If IVF fails once, then will you switch?…”
I think it is very common for family to try to solve our problems instead of trying to listen or sympathize or understand how we are feeling. But at least for me- that is what I really want.
I always get asked, “Why don’t you just adopt?” My response: “I’ve adopted 2 labs, and although they give me company and allow me to use my maternal instincts, it’s not the same as feeling a life grow inside of you.”
For some reason, people don’t like it when you talk about adopting dogs when they’re talking about adopting children.
I always hear, well why don’t you just take a progesterone supplement. That way you won’t miscarry again. Thanks, dully noted! Apparently, the 400 mg I’m taking per day just isnt enough, or I must be taking it wrong. According to everyone, it should be fixing my problem! Umm… ya right! It is a little more complicated than that!
I have a friend who keeps wanting me to switch to her dr. I told her no thank you I love my dr’s office and have no issues with them.
we found a new doctor and we couldn’t be happier with her. I’m just sad that we wasted so much time and money at the first clinic. Our doctor could never seem to find our file and his staff treated us like dirt and screwed up every appointment we ever had there. Our new doctor spent the entire afternoon with us doing tests, interviews and ultrasounds. I’m starting to feel cautiously optimistic.
I’ve worked with fertility doctors for 12 years now. I can definitely tell you that they are just as interested as you are in getting you pregnant for one big reason: $$$$$$$! They know, just like you do, that success rates speak for themselves and they want theirs to be as high as possible so that they will get more patients and more $$$! It just makes (dollars and) sense. Doctors especially want you to get pregnant on the first try of a multiple IVF package plan because that is when they will make the most profit, as opposed to subsequent tries. Not only that, but the doctors are scared that if you aren’t pregnant after the 1st try…you’ll switch doctors and they’ll lose $$$!
IVF is not 100% successful and therefore, some patients are going to experience failed IVF cycles. What each patient needs to consider after a failed IVF cycle is whether her doctor has the intelligence, training, and staff for IVF to be successful for her.
Advice is free and when it comes to advice from inexperienced people, you get what you pay for. People who haven’t had first hand experience with any significant medical events, much less infertility, cannot begin to give advice on when to switch doctors. Changing fertility doctors has to be a private, personal decision, hopefully based on the doctor’s professional merits and not on personality.