Jul 27

Oh beautiful implantation bleeding. How we hunt for you but rarely find you. Implantation bleeding or spotting is that beautiful flow of blood that some pregnant women have about 9 days after ovulation. Unfortunately for you, the only blood hiding in your underpants comes from your period.

For the love of cervical mucus, all you ask for is one tiny drop of sweet implantation spotting! This sweet drop will bring you such excitement, (total confusion) and a bit of happiness in your heart. If only you could get a little spotting and then you will happily spend the next two weeks driving yourself completely insane, googling your pregnancy symptom (Googling includes: What does implantation bleeding look like? I am spotting- Am I pregnant?). Well, if you can’t get implantation bleeding on your own, here are some helpful tips on how to fake it…

  1. Pour brown/pink liquid directly into your underpants. Do not remove following ovulation.
  2. Buy some polka dot panties.
  3. For better results, dress in all polka dot clothing during your entire two week wait.
  4. Draw brown dots into your underwear, and then naively ask your husband what the hell’s in your panties.
  5. Borrow some underwear from a pregnant friend who actually did have implantation bleeding. Bravely ask if you can wear them.

It’s official. Infertility has made you crazy.

(Check out my new post at ! “Jennifer Aniston’s Uterus Addresses Pregnancy Rumors!” )

8 Responses to “#733 How to Fake Implantation Bleeding”

  1. says:

    Sweeeet! I’m totally doing that the next cycle! I will def. be borrowing some implantation blood spotted panties!!! LMAO!!!!! :-)Thanks for always making me laugh!

  2. says:

    I too have prayed for just one small sweet drop of implantation bleeding….still waiting. I am a TP checker of the first order. Can spot a nanosized drop of blood at 30 paces.

  3. Toni says:

    hahahaha…or for the more refined searcher: light pink spot on toilet paper 7 DPO

    Not that it’s ever really happened to me outside of my imagination. Maybe I should get me a pair of those polka dot panties.

  4. says:

    Dammit, now I have to go buy polka dot panties!

  5. Heather says:

    You are seriously so hilarious, I love it!

  6. Nicole says:

    As a veteran IF, you would think I’d know better. How has it become such a habit to search the tp every time, no matter which CD it is? I mean, my period might have just ended, and there I go looking… Ridiculously hilarious! If only DH knew……… :)I doubt he would be surprised.

  7. Rachel says:

    I know another way! My new antidepressant, the one that is supposed to make me not feel insane about infertility, causes me to spot right after ovulation, leading to the two week build up, and the eventual let down. Oh the irony!

  8. Jehnavi says:

    my cycle started on dec 14th,08 then came again on dec 24th,08 and im like so confused…could that have been implantation bleeding?

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