Oh beautiful implantation bleeding. How we hunt for you but rarely find you. Implantation bleeding or spotting is that beautiful flow of blood that some pregnant women have about 9 days after ovulation. Unfortunately for you, the only blood hiding in your underpants comes from your period.
For the love of cervical mucus, all you ask for is one tiny drop of sweet implantation spotting! This sweet drop will bring you such excitement, (total confusion) and a bit of happiness in your heart. If only you could get a little spotting and then you will happily spend the next two weeks driving yourself completely insane, googling your pregnancy symptom (Googling includes: What does implantation bleeding look like? I am spotting- Am I pregnant?). Well, if you can’t get implantation bleeding on your own, here are some helpful tips on how to fake it…
- Pour brown/pink liquid directly into your underpants. Do not remove following ovulation.
- Buy some polka dot panties.
- For better results, dress in all polka dot clothing during your entire two week wait.
- Draw brown dots into your underwear, and then naively ask your husband what the hell’s in your panties.
- Borrow some underwear from a pregnant friend who actually did have implantation bleeding. Bravely ask if you can wear them.
It’s official. Infertility has made you crazy.
(Check out my new post at ! “Jennifer Aniston’s Uterus Addresses Pregnancy Rumors!” )