No doubt, your parents, mother-in-law, relative or friend has said to you: “Is there something you want to tell me?”
ARE YOU PREGNANT YET?
ARE YOU EXPECTING?
AM I A GRANDMOTHER YET?
You give the customary and polite “No, nothing yet” response but inside you are fuming. You don’t walk into somebody else’s home and ask this question. If they wanted to tell you something, they probably would. “MIL- is there something YOU would like to tell me? Perhaps, a silly tale about your latest bowel movement or what happened this morning in the shower?” It seems almost better to have them ask you directly if you’re pregnant instead of dancing around the question. If there was something I wanted to tell you, I would tell you!
So, yes dear MIL, there is something I want to tell you. There IS something you need to know….
- “This morning, I had a transvaginal wand inserted into my uterus to measure my follicle size, then my husband (aka your son) ejaculated into a semen analysis cup while reading a pornographic magazine, his semen was washed and then re-inserted into my vaginal cavity.”
- “This morning, I inserted nine down there, and then made this delicious banana bread for your brunch. Enjoy!”
- “This morning, my period arrived and spent half the morning crying on the bathroom floor. “
- “This morning, I stuck a needle in my stomach, did fertility meditation and then ate an entire pineapple.”
- “This morning, I had sex with your son and then did a hand stand for 30 minutes.”
- “This morning, we decided to cryogenically freeze our fertilized embryos. Congratulations, you will have frozen test tube grandchildren!
Anything else you wanted to ask?