It’s like you’re on The Amazing Race. You must get your husband’s sperm sample to the fertility clinic within 45 minutes.
GO!
You quickly review your options. The clinic is 20 minutes away, 30 in bad traffic. Will you make it if he does his business at home and you race the sample to the clinic? You might make it but just barely. You both decide that it is safer if he gives his sample in the car at the fertility clinic parking lot. Very romantic. But this will maximize time.
Time Remaining: 45 Minutes to get sperm to clinic!
You have driven like a mad woman and you are now sitting in the fertility clinic parking lot. Your husband is looking fearful beside you. “There is no time.” You shout to him and hand him the cup. “GO!” You throw a blanket over top of him and you let him get to work. You turn on the car and play some romantic music – like that will even help. Your husband finishes. You glance inside the cup. Looks plentiful. Good work husband! GO!
Time Remaining: 43 Minutes!
A knock on the car door scares the hell out of both of you. It is the parking lot security guard asking you to move your car. Yikes! You are parked in a handicap spot. As you have lost all of your dignity already, you grab your hubby’s sperm cup and stick it in your bra to keep that sperm warm. The security guard does not look impressed. Neither does your husband. GO!
Time Remaining: 30 Minutes!
Takes way too long to find a parking spot. But you are not panicking as you have half an hour left and you are right outside of the clinic. You’re wearing a short sleeve shirt and the sperm cup is sticking out from your chest. You quickly put the cup under your arm pit. GO!
Time Remaining: 25 Minutes!
Stupid elevator takes a long time. People are staring at you as they notice the cup under your arm pit. Your husband jokingly says aloud “Is that a cup under your arm pit or are you just happy to see me?” You glare at him. GO!
Time Remaining: 20 Minutes!
You arrive on the 10th floor and rush into the fertility clinic. There is a line-up at the front desk. You push ahead and other women holding sperm cups under their pits snarl at you. You don’t care. You thrust it into a nurse’s hand and tell her to keep it warm. She takes it from you and you give a sigh of relief. You start to leave and notice that the nurse has stopped to chat with someone. The cup is still in her hands, getting cooler by the minute. GO!
Time Remaining: 15 Minutes!
You practically fly into her and yell something about cooling sperm. She smiles politely as if she has heard this many times before. She reassures you and takes away the sperm. You have completed the race with 15 minutes to spare!
If you were on The Amazing Race, you and your husband would have been ‘the first to arrive’ and would have won the one million dollars! Instead of winning the money, you will be giving away money to that fertility clinic. One day, at your child’s wedding, you might even tell them the story of your adventures on The Amazing Race. I’m sure they would love to hear that story!
This post was hilarious but at the same time, oh so true! One of the reasons I love your blog and read it often! You make me smile and laugh which I need often! My husband had an SA and we too felt like it was a race! We have been trying for baby "M" for 11 cycles now. Been diagnosed with so many issues each of us. It's super crazy the things that you will do to have a baby of your own! I find myself feeling my breast more during the "2 week wait" than my husband has since we've met!
Good luck in your journey to your miracle!
I am about to do another 'sperm under the pit' run in a couple weeks. I don't remember talking about this in my wedding vows.
been there!!!!! the doc ordered a check on hubby, and we chose for him to do business at home and then i FLEW to the lab! haha! i put on a fleece sweatshirt in may weather and stuck the cup between my boobs! go girl! you TOTALLY deserve the million. and of course, a BABY!
HILARIOUS!!!! First time reader. I will have to go back and catch all the other posts!
Welcome Kacy!
I've never done the under the arm – I've always been told between the boobs! HA! I've sat in the RE's office with the "goods" tucked safely between the "girls" and looked around and wondered how many other women were in the same predicament! It's funny when you have to spend 10 minutes deciding which shirt to wear to the dr. so you can safely hide your precious cargo!
Thats so funny I had to transport the cargo in my bra to go to an IUI appointment. My husband was deployed at the time he was shocked when I had his sperm in my bra while he was 7,000 miles away. I secretly kept looking down to see if its still there.
Hahaha!!! I love this one! Although mine went differently, as I had an hour and a half drive and my hubs sample was normal. I didn’t keep it between the girls, I kept it between the thunder thighs and went into the clinic with it in the little baggie they gave me. But I did worry about them getting cold, although it was almost 100 degrees outside when I delivered it! lol
Ha! Wish ours went this smoothly! While trying to “maximize time” we decided to have my hubby do the “business” in a car wash next to the clinic since the fertility clinic parking lot was a little too crowded. While this would have worked out nicely, my husband seemed to forget the concept of gravity and placed the cup upside down on his “manhood” like a little hat. Needless to say, the clinic wouldn’t accept the sample since the first portion of the sample FELL OUT, and I refused to speak to him the rest of the day!
Thanks for the laughs today, much needed!
My hubby had his first one on Valentines day! How romantic…l.being locked in a hospital bathroom trying to convince him the no one knows what he is doing….2 minuets into it a little kid starts pounding on the door saying he has to “tinkle”!!!
This made me LOL so hard my stomach still hurts! And only those of us who have been through this truly understand how much truth has just been told.