Aug 23

The Infertile Positive –> Two week wait. Check toilet paper obsessively. Google all pregnancy symptoms. Get all fake pregnancy symptoms. Pee on multiple pregnancy sticks (or avoid them altogether). Take basal temperature, daily. Glare at pregnant bellies. Curse any celebrity that announces a pregnancy. Blood test. Positive? Disbelief. Wait for second beta. Hold breath. Feel nervous. Fearful. Tell no one (or quietly tell your mom). Continue to hold breath.

The Fertile Positive–> Pee on stick. Positive. Tell everyone including the grocery store cashier. Celebrate.

Your infertile positive will come. Just keep believing.

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Jan 18

No doubt, during your infertility journey you’ve had the “Oh my God, will I ever get pregnant?” breakdown. This breakdown can occur at any time and at moment, leaving your partner to believe that you’ve actually gone insane. You cry. You feel angry. You don’t want to talk to anyone who is pregnant or had children. You want to stay in bed all day. You google every pregnancy symptoms. You stick a thermometer in your mouth several times a day. You examine that toilet paper every hour. You stop drinking coffee but then you start drinking it again. It’s official. Infertility has driven you to insanity.

If Children’s Social Services arrived at your house tomorrow, they would totally think this crazy woman wasn’t fit to be a parent.

Children’s Social Services: Would you consider yourself a friendly person?
You: Of course but I do glare at pregnant women or women who look like they could be preggers.
CSS: Are you a patient person?
You: Yes but I tend to get a tad anxious if the fertility clinic doesn’t call me back right away.
CSS: Would you ever cheat on your spouse?
You: Of course not but I have wondered if having multiple sex partners would get me pregnant.
Are you financially stable to take care of a baby?
You: We were but then we spent thousands on fertility treatments. To save money on groceries, I can breastfeed until they are eight.
CSS: Do you ever think about stealing a baby?
You: Yes. But I wouldn’t do it….I think

I promise, Social Services Lady, I’m completely stable to raise a child. Now here, try some of my delicious Folic Acid, Pineapple, Rasberry Leaf Tea Brownies.

photo: here