When you find out someone is pregnant, a normal first reaction is “Wow. Congratulations! That is great news. I’m so happy for you!” But you’re an infertile and that’s typically not your first thought even if you don’t want to admit it.
YOUR DAD: “Cousin Martha just called. She is pregnant! Isn’t that great news!”
YOU: (Right or wrong, your first inner thought will probably include one or more of the following thoughts)…
- Are you kidding me? She just got married.
- How many people are going to get pregnant before it’s our turn already!
- Great. Now everyone is pregnant but me.
- But she already has a two year old!
- But we started trying long before she did.
- What the fertile! She’s still so bloody young.
- What the fertile! She’s still in school and he has no money.
- Wow. He really must have super sperm to get her pregnant so quickly.
- Good for her.***
- So, who cares? Why are you telling me this?***
***Note: You will tend to have a more bitter and envious thought should a pregnancy announcement occur during your period or following a failed cycle and negative pregnancy test.
YOUR REAL RESPONSE: “That’s great news, dad. Pass along my congratulations. I’m so happy for them.”
You respond this way because it’s not socially acceptable to become a raging infertile lunatic in public, because you are strong and you refuse to show anyone your jealous and bitter side, because you know it’s actually good news even if it doesn’t feel that way, because one day it will be your turn too. You respond this way simply because you are awesome, even if you don’t always remember that.
(While you’re here….don’t forget to check out my NEW post at -- IVF might not work on the first try and that’s okay).
Then you run into the nearest restroom and sob your eyes out….
I only wish I would have been able to respond that way. I chose to look like a raging jealous homicidal infertile instead….& I did it with dignity.
then you quickly get off of the phone and cry. Or as I have done in the past, said, “That’s great.” However, it didn’t come out like I was happy and my mother looked at me as if she was waiting for me to lose it and said, “You don’t have to act like that.” This from a woman who had two children with only 1/4 of an ovary…
ha ha sounds like me this weekend when my 65 year old uncle… yes 65 years old you read it right… and his 20 something wife just had a healthy baby boy!! i played the jealous bitter who cares about him and his dumb baby announcment this weekend as i ate lots of chocolate ;(
Ugh, I don’t even TRY to sound happy anymore.. I just hang up the phone or walk out of the room.. and try not to punch people…especially the pregnant ones.
When my brother and his fiancee announced their pregnancy, I just *couldn’t* react in a joyful way – I nearly fainted, and my response was flat and formulaic. When I explained it later by confiding in him that my partner and I had been trying to conceive with no success for 18 months, the rest of my family were angry with me for not just hiding my feelings, and for “making it all about me”.
This infertile wholeheartedly admits it here, even if she’s afraid to “like” it on Facebook b/c of how all her extremely fertile friends will go look at the post she “liked” and know how she really feels… Btw, in my dept of 30 people, 3 are now newly pregnant. That’s 10% of my office. And you know what that means – the constant and oh so hilarious comments, “gee, what’s in the water – watch out! ha ha ha ha” and “gee, someone must have sprinkled baby juice in the water. ha ha ha” All while I stare blankly, holding back copious tears – and try not to go all infertile all over them. That’s not including the 8 people in non-work life… Now it’s everywhere… And I hate how much I hate hearing it. I am happy for people – but it makes me so much sadder for me. I hate that.
You all are just so awesome.
I think we have way more of a right to say how we truly feel. lol….my dad recently called me and told me my step-sister is pregnant (right after I told him we were starting in vitro). (my step-sister, who can barely provide for herself and has been dating the guy for 5 minutes) I’m sorry, but my dad didn’t do the socially acceptable thing!!! After I told him we were starting in vitro just perhaps he should have figured out that now was maybe not the best time to tell me that my step-sister was pregnant. What a moron! All I said was wow, that’s great. I’m happy for her.
i think i am more numb more than anything now. i hear it but i don’t.
So true! Every time one of my (non-married, younger than me) co-workers complains about feeling bloated/feeling tired or sick, I automatically think “I bet they’re pregnant.. oh, God, what if they’re pregnant, what the hell? I will be so pissed..” Thankfully that hasn’t been the case..yet.
I am SO not nice about it at all anymore. I basically don’t say ANYTHING. Does that make me a total ass?
Cherbear: you are NOT an ass!
Last year, we were skiing (snowboarding) with my brother-in-law when he told us his wife was pregnant just before getting off the lift (they tried for a month…grrrr). We were pretty upset. Hubby turned into a crazy man on the slope – really taking out some aggression. It was too cold for me to cry- the tears just froze before they could fall. By the time we got off the mountain though it was a little easier to be happy for them. But glad that our faces were frozen and covered to hide our frustration. And yes, I had started my period that morning.
Now we are just numb I guess – maybe because all our of siblings had a baby or are pregnant this year. (total of 6!)
I told my best friend I was so happy for her when she told me although I am sure the colour drained out of my face, later on I cried so hard I thought I would be sick. After the shock I was fine but it came out of nowhere. I have been seeing my RE longer than she has been seeing her boyfriend.
I told my sister I was happy for her and then went home and cried. A week later when my grandma told me my cousin was also pregnant I left quickly and cried in the dirve way. A couple weeks after that when my brother called and told me he and his wife were also expecting. I hung up and had a hysterical melt down. All of them are due in April. I have decided I hate April and am going to disappear the end of March to the beginning of May.
I managed to handle my brother’s announcement with absolute grace (for a change). The upcoming baby shower planned the day of my 32nd birthday, however, not so much. I’m thinking Xanax and a shot of tequila. And if one person asks me when I plan on conceiving it might be crazy infertile time.
I wish I could become numb, it hurts just as much now as it ever did.
It seems lately everyone is coming up pregnant while I do tell them I am so happy for them I tell my husband want I really think. lol. I started thinking about everyone that has had a baby lately and I realized we have been trying longer than most of these people have known their love.
oh so true so true! it makes me feel so much better to know I am not the only crazy lady that has these emotions!! it gets so much worse when you develop pregradar where you just know what is coming before you even get the phone call……
Enough people know about my situation that I usually get a heads up privately before the announcement. This is only after an incident in which my husband’s sister had unprotected sex with a one night stand and two days later at a family picnic asked me to go in the house because she didn’t want to hurt my feelings and then proceeded to tell the entire family what she had done and that she knew she was pregnant because she was pregnant in her heart. The uproar was hysterical and long story short “pregnant in your heart” is not as reliable as an EPT.
My husband wants to protect me and not see me cry so he didn’t tell me about the last pregnancy boom in our group of friends. I think he realizes now that it is better to tell me and let me break down at home than to wait until I’m confronted with a baby belly in the grocery store.
I’ve been trying to hold my crazy infertile bitterness inside because even though the announcements often come from people who shouldn’t parent a pet rock, let alone a child, some of them come from women whom I know will be great parents. Even then it is hard to bite my tongue, so I just smile and give them a hug. They think that I’m so happy that I’m speechless… umm, not so much.
Кухонные столешницы из искусственного камня
Man, reading all of these makes me feel so much more normal. I swear I feel like a complete butt whole sometimes to the pregnant girls and mothers in my life. My best (and last unpregnant) friend who had been married less than a year took me to lunch and told me she was pregnant. I could not hide the shock of horror on my face. I must have turned so white. My hands started shaking and I just felt so numb. I didn’t cry until I started telling her about some of our fertility issues. (she already knew but I was giving her some more details) and I just lost it. And of course I started right when I got back to the office :/
this is just so much harder than I ever imagined.
Oh and I definitely loved this quote “I didn’t want to go all “infertile” on them”
this website is golden.
Even the pregos that know I am going through this are not very sensitive. I feel like they’re not even trying. I went to a Christmas dinner the other night and all but one of the girls knows about our struggle through infertility and still all they did was talk about pregnancy and complain about things and I just sat there wanting to cry. Do people not even think?? I guess we are sort of blessed in a way b/c at least we won’t be total morons when it’s our turn. Like posting 37 pictures of your pregnant belly on facebook. i mean sure put a few. but 37? It’s like torture just to check you facebook! I just want to be like “hey that baby is going to grow up into a teenager and then probably rebel against you and then you won’t be posting cute little status on facebook will you?
ok, that was a nice venting session
we can make it girls!
I experienced #1 earlier this year. My cousin got married in May & is due in February. She conceived on the last day of her honeymoon. BARF. And my mother decided to tell me this WHILE I WAS DRIVING (we often combine errands); I had to pull over because I couldn’t contain my tears & was afraid I’d plow into someone. 2.5 years of TTC for me; not even 2.5 weeks married & she gets pregnant. I hate the universe.
We have been ttc for 3 years (as of next month). Our first month ttc I got pg, which was super cool at the time because cousin in law was pg too. Well I miscarried and her son is now 2 1/2. Guess what I found out a week or so ago. She’s pregnant again from the first try. Oh it gets sooo much better (as I roll my eyes) a few hours after announcing her pregnancy she proceeds to post on facebook, in her exact words “When is something good going to happen to me? I hate my life!”
If you ever want to see an infertile go from sane to homicidal in 3 seconds just tell them the above. I seriously wanted to beat the hell out of her. I still have eto talk myself out of punching her every time I see her….
I love all of you! I am so numb to it all now. I have been TTC for 7 years. We have just committed to the fact that we have to proceed with IVF, but it has taken so long for me to get her. I have given up hope. I have watched my friends and family deliver 13 children since we started this process. I am done with everyone and their happy news. F**K everyone. If I didn’t ever have to see another pregnant woman again I would be happy.
I’m happily married and we’ve been TTC for 2 years w/clomid and progesterone, had a m/c 3 weeks ago, and just found out today that my BFF since third grade is pregnant (when trying to prevent) by her “friend w/benefits”, who just happens to be MY BROTHER! She’s excited, and I’m excited and for her (they’re both really good people who have intentions of being a serious couple now), but man, it cuts like a knife. I’m a bag of mixed emotions today to say the least.
I can’t tell you how much this site helps me! A friend of mine called me on my birthday (the day my period started) and says (and yes this is a direct quote), “You are so lucky you don’t get pregnant easily. We got pregnant with X on our first try, and we were just not careful once, and we’re pregnant again! Ugh!” It took all the strength I had not to say, “We’re lucky? How? There is nothing we could do to change our situation. You? You’re just stupid! You could learn how to tell if you are fertile before you have sex genius!!!” Then she called me 2 days in a row after that to complain to me about how horrible it is to be pregnant. I emailed her and said I was just having a rough time, and wasn’t up for talking to anyone right now. I haven’t heard anything from her since. Her support has been underwhelming to say the least. Grrrrrr!!!!
Our best friends just announced their “unplanned” and “shocking” pregnancy. BS! If you weren’t using protection, quit being so freaking shocked! We were out to dinner and they told us right as the meek cAme…I couldn’t stomach a single bite of my favorite dish. Six more pregnant friends and family members later over a mere six weeks And I am feeling bitter and resentful. Just to spite their growing belly photos and Facebook status updates on the baby i glowingly posted today for all to see “back into my size 6 jeans as of today…skinny is back in”!!!! It felt so good to have something they don’t!!!!
Yeah I know what you are saying about the facebook updates, I have a friend atm who is on the babywatch and posts every single gd day as to what her baby is doing now. I dont care, give birth already. OK thats a bit harsh yes I am a cow have been TTC for 6 years over it.
Lets see, we have 2 friends currently pregnant, and one with a baby a few months old. Also in my husbands family, there has been 1 new baby born this month, and 3 girls pregnant. We have been trying for 2 years with no success. Every time I hear about a new one being pregnant, it takes everything in me to fake a smile and say congratulations. Not to mention, one of my best friends had a baby in October. (Originally she had wanted us to adopt her, and changed her mind 2 weeks before the due date.) Now I get to see pics of the beautiful little girl all the time, and all I can think is “”she should have been ours”"
What is wrong with me?
I wish I could have a nice response when I hear the “big news” MY best friend just told me through and e-mail 4 days ago and i’m still crying over it every day! seems as though everyone around me is prego and you would think it gets easier with every announcement you get but it actually gets harder. I just want to hind in a hold forever! ugh
Oh how it feels so nice to be ‘normal’ in one place. I completely LOL-ed at Dana’s comment way up top, too funny! I’m so sick of listening to other women complain on facebook about how much they’re gaining, how sick they feel, how tired they are…I would give anything to feel like death for 9 months straight if it meant having a baby! My latest response to it on FB was: “is sick of having a perfectly flat stomach, feeling great in the morning, getting all the sleep I want, and having a wardrobe that still fits me from high school.” It was my turn to complain…got some pretty interesting responses.
all of my good friends around me got pregnant at their first go(one girlfriend only had one planned unprotected sex and it happened) or within 2~3 months. Now this was okay, since it was the beginning of the period when we were trying so we thought, well, let’s wait abit longer.
Than my dad told me that my cousins who got married a few months after me all got pregnant with honeymoon babies and are now experiencing morning sickness. That got me bitter.
And then in my office of the 8 or so people who are in the fertile age group (20~45) 6 of us were (secretly) trying and last month I realised within the span of 7 months or so (one with their third another with their second), everyone succeeded…. with the exception of yours truly….
rather than getting bitter, I was hoping perhaps if I stay next to these women perhaps I can rub off some needed hormones or luck or whatever they had that I didn’t. yes, its pathetic.
I’ll be honest, I said something I probably shouldn’t have. My cousin got married last may. She’s 2 years older than me, was probably only off BC for a month, and was pregnant and announcing it in July. My grandma told me before I saw my cousin, and my honest response was, “Of course she is.” This was before we started trying again, and before seeing an RE, but still so d*** frustrating. Married a month, pregnant the next. Must be nice.
Superb and very informational post share i like this blog post.
I don’t know why but even though I’ve known for 2 months that my friend is pregnant it upset me all over again when I saw her first facebook announcment today. Weird.
I really needed this today, you have all made me feel so much more normal and not a complete psychopath. Since the start of May (ie: one month) I have had 2 pregnancy announcements in last 24 hours (one from probably-soon-to-be-ex-best friend), plus 3 babies born to friends and close relatives. Yeah!!! Bring it on. More pain, anyone? I have just been invited to lunch with 2 friends (one just newly pregnant, the other with an 8 month old baby) and I had a choice of reasons to turn down the invitation: (1) I couldn’t face seeing them, and (2) even if I could, it clashed with my first appointment at a fertility clinic. I really can’t wait to start fertility treatment (2+ years TTC). If it’s anything like my HSG it’ll be GREAT. With any luck I might be physically sick from the pain again. I do hope so.
Love to you all, so good to know we are not alone xx
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Have had 5 miscarriages. My husband’s 21 year old nephew married is pregnant girlfriend 2 weeks before the baby was due. They had the baby on my birthday. I miscarried 4 days later. Two and half months later I am feeling good and ready to visit them tomorrow. Today my husband tells me his 22 year old unmarried niece is pregnant. “The doctor’s made it seem like I wouldn’t be able to get pregnant, so we weren’t careful”. Hoping I can visit all tomorrow without crying. Feeling angry and wronged. Just don’t know where to direct those feelings.
I got suspicious that my husband’s 20 year old daughter was pregnant whilst reading her facebook page. I called him and it turned out, she was 8 weeks (3 months – no kidding! -after her wedding day) my husband and his ex wife already knew. He didn’t know how to tell me.
We’ve been trying for over 2 years since his vasectomy reversal. I was in the garden and cried so hysterically I alarmed our neighbour.
seriously. My usual thought is the last one “So, who cares? Why are you telling me this?” I was accosted on my way out of church recently by a girl who doesn’t even know my name. She said, “Did I tell you I’m pregnant!” Not a “hi!” She didn’t even address me by name. But I put on my brave face, shook her hand, and said “Congratulations!” because you’re right, I’m awesome
Trying for 3 years, 4 ivf attempts, 2 miscarriages. Sister, 10 years younger, married less than 2 months, wishes she wasn’t pregnant. Jealousy is such a sad thing, even harder to pretend you are okay. Hugs your way…
My husband knows (now) that whenever an announcement comes, just to get home as fast as possible and sit down and let me have a good cry.