Nov 29

You (hopefully) have many supportive friends that you can lean on during your infertility journey. They may not always understand what you’re going through but they are always around to listen. And then there are your other friends…

Well-meaning as they are, some friends are more supportive than others. Sometimes their advice really doesn’t seem to help…

  • You have the “Have-you-ever-thought-about-adopting?” friend. Great idea! Adopting a child seems like an easy and fun thing to do! I’ll just ask Brad and Angelina to help me out.
  • The “I-guess-your-uterus-and-parts-are-really-damaged” friend. Thanks for your sensitive comment. Me and my damaged lady parts enjoyed it!
  • The “Why-don’t-you-just-go-on-vacation-and-you’ll-come-back-pregnant-too” friend. Funny. We’re been on vacation and came back infertile each time. Should I go to a specific destination next time?
  • The “I-heard-raspberry-leaf-tea-was-good” friend. I drank it for several months. It was gross and I’m still infertile.
  • The “My-friend-got-pregnant-doing-IVF. Why-don’t-you-call-her-doctor” friend. Sure, I’d love to wait another six months to see a new doctor. Can you lend me $10,000 for IVF?
  • The “I-have-a-friend-who-adopted-and-then-got-pregnant” friend. Great! I’ll just follow that helpful piece of advice.
  • The “It-will-happen-just-give-it-time” friend. We’ll, I’m reaching menopause and we’ve been trying for 10 years but I’ll just wait it out, like you suggested.

Thanks a lot for your advice.

The message is if you want to support someone going through infertility, just listen and don’t give anymore advice.

42 Responses to “#698 The “Why-Don’t-You-Just-Adopt” Friend”

  1. CaturdayNurse says:

    These are right on the money. When I complain about it to my mom, she tells me, “Well, people are uncomfortable so they just want to try to help by offering advice.” How is it my problem that my horrible situation makes Buffy a little squeamish? Go take a flying leap! I’ll remember to tell them,”Oh, it’ll get better soon- just give it time,” when they annouce their cancer diagnoses. After all, platitudes must be better than a gentle pat on the back, otherwise they wouldn’t always be escaping someone’s lips. Empathy, people, not spewage of hurtfulness!

  2. says:

    ugh the my friend got pregnant doing ivf – call her doctor one really upsets me. i like my doctor. it has been one fresh cycle. lay off. i don’t want to see another doctor if I did I would let you know. and the give it time. easy for them to say when they fall pregnant on the first go. it has been two years. i-have-given-it-time!!!! on an aside the RLT hasn’t necessary worked for me but it has improved my cycle so there is one plus!

  3. Jenn says:

    I love your blog, it’s nice to read something I can relate to. I have a friend who is always pushing her dr on me, no thanks I like my dr. Then my aunt told me it will happen if I believe. Didn’t know that’s all it took.

  4. says:

    the worst thing is “maybe its just not the right time”. Um okay yeah just WHEN is the right time?? And since I have to do IVF, someone please tell me when the right time is so we can plan our cycle at that time, thanks.

  5. sassyNtubeless says:

    ha ha thanks for this post! it really helps, esp after when the holidays are coming up!! my favorite is go on vacation and you’ll come back pregnant! HAHA
    will this vacation include my RE doctor accompanying us??

  6. says:

    I love this! It’s nice to know I’m not the only one who gets “those” comments and unwarranted advice from friends and family. The Dr. one really gets me–as though one Dr. is better than another or more of a miracle worker than the one I’ve been funneling my paycheck to? And to think that I have just been re-trying with the SAME Dr. instead of a new, better Dr.? Ugh. Sorry.

  7. HA!! my standard answer to the “why don’t you just adopt” has been well thought out and honed over the years…it now is “that’s a GREAT idea – can you “just” GIVE me the $30,000 to pay off the loans we took out for our infertility treatments and then another, oh, $50,000 to complete the adoption?” gets them to shut the hell up right there….love the word “just” like it’s the easiest thing in the world….GAH! :-)

  8. Maren says:

    My personal favorite was my MIL telling me it’ll happen on God’s timing. Well hate to break it to ya lady but I highly doubt God can do his part if I just sit around and wait cuz her son, my hubs, has ZERO sperm, I don’t ovulate and have endometriosis and last I checked when you pursue adoption you actually have to be proactive with it. She did have a suggestion for us, she said I could use her husbands sperm if we wanted to do donor. Uhm EW and HELL NO. Way too awkward for me. Sorry. I rambled. Hah.

  9. Samantha says:

    Don’t forget the “I know it’s really rough right now but it will all be worth it in the end” friend…what the heck to they know about rough they popped out 6 kids before they were 25, give me a break!

  10. Dani girl says:

    I always love the “I know what you’re going through” friend because it took them all of 6 months to get pregnant, because those 6 months were so hard! When would they ever understand getting your period, but just because its slightly lighter than the month before this time, you wonder if you could actually be pregnant and you’re one of those women who thinks they’re having a period! Or is that just me that does that?! (I hope not!)

  11. says:

    The thing that makes me crazy: “why are you doing infertility treatment when there are SO many children in this country waiting for adoption?” Yeah, because of my medical condition I have to be a martyr and adopt a kid in foster care? Do you tell fertile people not to have another kid but rather adopt a child?

  12. Toni says:

    I love my sister and she’s been incredibly supportive but the other day after explaining to her that I had to go into the doctor four days in a row because I’m on an injectable cycle, she said “Wow I really didn’t understand how involved this was all going to be. Are you guys sure adoption is off the table?” Luckily we’re close enough that I could explain everything wrong with that statement.

  13. Mahseeyah says:

    I love ‘Oh cheer up love, it’s not that bad’ right after a failed cycle. Yeah sure I’ll cheer up, I’ll just flick that switch in my brain to cheerful and that will help me get pregnant!!! Dumbass. I would like to tell them to shut the F up and get out of my face.

  14. Rachel says:

    my ‘favourite’ comment… ‘it will all be worth it in the end….’ ha you’re not the one stabbing yourself with needles/having transvaginal scans/getting admitted to hospital with OHSS, and still not getting pregnant….

    Also gotta love the ‘have you looked at adoption?’ – yes, because so many babies go up for adoption in NZ….

    Am reminding myself that on the upside at least I can drink wine over Xmas!

  15. [...] #698 The “Why-Don’t-You-Just-Adopt” Friend [...]

  16. Mrs. S says:

    Please dont forget the ” YOU CAN BORROW MY KID FOR A FEW HOURS” or “MY KID IS FOR SALE” friends… who asked for YOUR kid? are you kidding me?

  17. Tracey says:

    Its always hard to hear these petty comments. It makes other moms sound so insensitive and a bit ungrateful that they have children where other people cannot. Dont listen to it. Keep you goal in mind and keep on moving forward.

  18. Laura says:

    here is the message i got today which made me want to cry
    “Awww, just be positive!!! You are luckier than alot of people, some people dont have any babies at all – at least you have two darling foster boys. It must be terrible trying and trying and not getting the results you want – but remember the saying “good things take time” and hope that it is actually true!”

  19. 7 years and counting says:

    Do these people who tell you to adopt not get that it’s not just about having kids around, it’s about the entire experience. I want to feel my baby kick, to have that moment in the delivery room with my husband, to watch my child grow and see my husband and myself in them.
    We may end up adopting someday but we will still be infertile.

  20. Hannah says:

    I had a really good one yesterday – to be honest it was just so hilarious I couldn’t help but laugh.

    “Don’t worry, it’ll happen when it happens!” **big smile**

    NO WAY.

    Unfortunately at the time I had just been experiencing ‘leaky eye syndrome’, although it was less of a leak and more like a dam bursting… and then someone came up to me and said that. Well, at I can definitely laugh at it now!! The hardest part is that you know that they really do want to be nice. grrrrrrrr

  21. Hannah says:

    Oh and Rachel… are you in New Zealand too?? Same here, know what you mean about the adoption situation over here. oxoxo

  22. val. says:

    I also hate the “Just be grateful for the things you DO have” friend. Grrrr.

  23. says:

    It took me 2 years to finally stop my sisters telling me to get a dog…cause then I would get pregnant. Everytime, I see them…they flew down to visit me last month and almost brought me a dog! And people wonder why we don’t want to tell everybody we are infertile…

  24. 7 years and counting says:

    WOW! It will happen when it happens. Wish we had known that before we spent all that money on unsuccessful fertility treatments.

  25. Cryssie says:

    People at work are ALWAYS telling me this crap, why don’t you JUST adopt? It’s so annoying I can’t stand it. And my family, why aren’t you pregnant yet? Hurry up and have a baby before I die! I know they don’t mean to be hurtful, but it doesn’t take the pain away. 7 years og TTC is taking its toll.

  26. Rae says:

    The one I have come to hate and I am not meaning to be awful here cos I know they all mean well but the ‘You would make a great mother’ Friend well meaning comment but it makes me die a little inside hearing it.

  27. Loraine says:

    Omg, I sooooo NEEDED this today because I was seriously about to rip someone’s damn head off!!! I have had THREE, yes three friends who are meaning well of course make these sort of comments. The first, “Have you thought about surrogacy?” “There is always adoption, you know”? and the last “What about you doing foster care? Have you thought about that?”

    These are all SO true!! And no one but other infertile turtles get it. Thank you for this!!!!! :)

  28. Do not a lot of money to buy a house? Do not worry, because it’s available to take the business loans to work out all the problems. Thence take a car loan to buy all you want.

  29. Ashley says:

    My favorite is the “well, so-and-so tried for upteen years and then stopped because they couldn’t take it anymore and BOOM! Pregnant the very next month” Um? Are you actually suggesting I go through the emotional and financial turmoil of fertility treatments and “trying” to concieve, just to give up and THEN become pregnant? Really? How about you try for years to get that raise/promotion only to get it after you quit your job? Does that sound like a good plan?

  30. 7 years and counting says:

    I just got the why-don’t-you-just-adopt from my sister. She actually had the nerve to try to make me feel guilty that her kids don’t have cousins!!!!!!!

  31. jdfan14 says:

    just discoverd this website today and loving reading these blogs, during a depressing time it is helpful to laugh and these are great. thanks for sharing.

  32. glass baby says:

    What about “at least you know you can get pregnant” after a miscarriage?!?! I mean, are you SERIOUS?!

  33. Juliet says:

    The “just” adopt line kills me. I’ve looked into adoption. It sucks too – there’s a truckload of paperwork, and it’s even more invasive than IVF. They ask about EVERYTHING, you have to get “references” from friends and family, and basically you’re judged on whether or not you’re “worthy” to have kids. Then a birthmother has to choose you. Then she might change her mind. And all that money you paid her for medical and living expenses just goes away. So no, “just” adopting is actually just as painful and uncertain as IVF.

  34. Angela says:

    @glass baby
    I am a miscarriage queen (yeah multiple times) and people say that to me and I just want to scream.

    I stumbled on the blog today and I needed the laughs.

  35. Catharine says:

    I totally get that. I’ve outright told my mother and my sister… I don’t care what Dr. Oz says, I don’t care what the “latest study” says. I don’t care that group A says eat a lot fo lemons, while Group B says avoid citrus fruits. Just listen to my rants, sympathize, and don’t offer any advice! If you can’t do that, no problem, let me know and I’ll take my feelings elsewhere.

  36. onemoretime says:

    The worst thing anyone said to me was- I wasnt getting pregnant b/c there is still something in my life that needed to be taken care of (A loose end, if you will) and once that was dealt with, I will get pregnant. What in my life has to be taken care of first? of course -she did NOT have that answer for me. IDIOT.
    Or my boss who is still waiting to give me her old maternity clothes ” WHEN I get pregnant”.I think she is more in denial than I am!!! LOL

  37. says:

    My husband has helped me understand that it makes people uncomfortable when bad things happen. They want to explain them away. It’s just like when someone dies, what can anyone say that would possibly make you feel better? So it is better not to say anything at all, just to listen and say “I’m so sorry!” Unfortunately sometimes people are know-it-alls (who know nothing) or too opinionated, or just simply have good hearts and want to help (even though they can’t).

  38. jellybean says:

    I have gotten several “stop trying, it’ll happen when you least expect it”, ” I know this person who adopted and then found out that they were pregnant”, and “it’ll happen when its supposed to happen/ it’ll happen when its in God’s plan”. 3 years of TTC and nothing not even one BFP or anything. The worst has to be “relax, just enjoy being married for a while” I just want to smack anyone who says that. My DH is 10 years older than me, I don’t have time to relax. Plus, I have known since I was 16 that all I wanted to do in life was be a wife and mother.

  39. Bella says:

    The worst thing that was said to me was said in a joking manner, but it REALLY stung. A pregnant friend told me and another woman that we “were jealous because she was pregnant and we couldn’t.” WTF I couldn’t believe it. I was stunned into silence. She didn’t apologize either or even acknowledge what was wrong with what she said. To make it worse, she knew all about my struggle with infertility. Do pregnancy hormones turn people into bitches?

  40. Shirley says:

    I just recently got the “just adopt” comment. I expressed my desire to adopt an asian infant if we went down the adoption route. But that finding an asian infant to adopt would be near impossible. The response: Well, look at Squirrel (their dog)…you know how hard it is to adopt a full breed Dachsund from the SPCA? Everyone said that we wouldn’t be able to find one and we did.

    I looked straight at her and said “Did you just compare adoption a baby to adopting a dog??????” She obviously didn’t get it.

    Seriously…what we have to put up with….

  41. Emily says:

    I’ve gotten the “have you thought about adopting” question lately. I’m all for adoption if that’s the road you and your spouse decide to take but to me, that’s pretty much a last resort. I’m 29 and not ready to give up on the possibility of having our own biological kids. What I really wish people would do (for me) if I open up to them (which I VERY rarely do anymore) is just tell me, “I know.” Even if they don’t “know” what I’m going through and haven’t been through this themselves. Just tell me, “I know.” To me, that means, “I know this hurts you. I know how much you want to become a mom. I know that you and your husband will be great parents.” That’s what “I know” means to me. However, don’t say, “I know, but…” That cancels out the empathy if you try to “make me feel better” by pretending to understand and then offering stupid advice like, “Go on vacation/just relax/try adoption…”

  42. MrsMac says:

    At the (real) beginning of my TTC journey I went to my GP because i suspected something wasn’t right – we had been trying for a year. He told me that we should go on holidays, like his friends did, to fall pregnant. MY GP!!!!!!!!!!
    I threw a tantrum. He wrote me a referal. I think he hated me a bit after that.