Similar to the five stages of death, when you find out you’re not pregnant you find yourself going through a similar state of mind.

Stage one: Denial No, this can’t be my period. It looks too light. It could still be implantation bleeding. The blood on the tampon looks too brown. I’ll just wait until the end of the day to take a pregnancy test. If the pregnancy test is negative, it could mean that I tested too early. I don’t have cramps this month and it doesn’t “feel” like my period. I could still be pregnant.

Stage two: Anger
Well, I’m not pregnant again! Why does this keep happening to me? Will I ever get pregnant? I hate all those pregnant women on Facebook. Why do they keep posting pictures of their belly’s? Who wants to see pictures of their babies anyways? There are pregnant women everywhere. How do they get pregnant so easily? Must be nice to be so fertile.

Stage three: Bargaining
Please God. Give me a child. I will do anything. I promise I will lose weight and eat healthy if I can just get pregnant next month. Sperms – please implant. Just swim upstream as fast as you can. Follicles – please grow and multiple. I promise not to drink coffee tomorrow and I’ll be the best mother ever. Doctor – please don’t cancel my cycle, I’m okay with having 8 babies.

Stage four: Depression
WHY ME??? I feel like my heart is going to ache forever and my eyes hurt from crying so much. There is a lump in my chest. I am going to sleep all day in bed because what’s the point of getting up anyway? Why is the pregnancy test always negative? How come everyone else can get pregnant but me? I feel so alone. My husband doesn’t understand how awful it feels.

Stage five: Acceptance
Well. I guess it’s really my period. I guess that negative pregnancy test really is correct. I’m not pregnant this month. I know it seemed like it was implantation spotting but it’s really my period. Time to tell my spouse that I’m not pregnant.

You might think finding out you’re not pregnant again is bad but don’t expect sympathy from the dying man beside you. He’s got his own problems.

photo:
http://www.ehow.com/how_4496475_detect-jealous-girlfriendwife.html
http://www.tropicalsunmarketing.com/

You might have noticed that large wall of baby photos at your fertility clinic office. You know the photos – they are mounted to the wall telling everyone that at least someone had a baby at this clinic. On each visit, you can’t help but eye those sweet little babies and read through those thank you notes posted on the wall.

Dear Doctor Uterus, My mommy and daddy wanted me for so long but nothing was happening. Thank you so much for artificially inseminating my mommy and nine months later, my sisters and I are here!
Love, Babies Mandy, Melly, Shelley and Suzie

But what about the rest of us? Do we really have to see that wall of babies on each visit? How about a wall with infertile/childless couples? Thanks doc, here is a wall of couples you didn’t help.

Dear Doctor Uterus, My husband and I have been trying to conceive for 7 years. We have failed every fertility procedure, and request our money back which was our life savings. We have sold our house and are now living alone in a one bedroom apartment with our 2 cats. We keep ourselves occupied by learning to play the guitar and playing games. Feel free to put our picture up on the wall.
Sincerely, Mr. & Mrs. (Soon-to-be) Separated

For some extra fun on your next appointment, try to count the number of twins and triplets posted the wall. 5 bonus points for any quints.

photo: here

As William Shakespeare once (sort of) said: “To test or not to test, that is the question.”

You have survived the dreaded two week wait and you still have a couple more days until it’s okay to take a pregnancy test. You really want to test early. Can it really hurt to test a couple days early? Let me make the answer easier for you.

DON’T TEST EARLY!

A lot of thoughts go through your head:
- If I test today and it’s positive, I can surprise my husband on his birthday!
- I had a really hard day and this is the only thing that will make me happy.
- Imagine if I test positive and I can surprise my husband on our anniversary!

All those thoughts are really great but only if the test comes back positive. If it comes back negative (like it typically does), your hubby’s birthday is now ruined and you can enjoy a mental breakdown instead of dinner and a movie on your anniversary.

Whatever you do, don’t test early. Just hold onto hope for one more day.

You love your coffee card. You can buy 9 cups and then get the 10th one free!

The modern fertility clinic should offer the same thing: A “frequent IUI or IVF” punch card. Fail 5 times and get the 6th failure free! On your first visit, your RE would take your picture ID punch card and would appropriately stamp it with a big fat FAILED sign following each failed procedure. After 5 failed attempts, you are offered the 6th one for free! How exciting! Why take a pregnancy test anymore when your RE can just stamp your card!

“Are you pregnant, honey?” Your husband/partner might inquire. No need to communicate anymore when you can just show him your failed punch card. A nosy relative asking you if you’re pregnant yet? Just flash out your punch card. Remember how exciting it is to get that free cup of coffee? Well, imagine how wonderful it will be to get that 6th failure for free! We all love something for nothing! You might actually hope you fail the rest of the treatments just so you can be rewarded later on.

Yes Mother, I am a failure and I have the punch card to prove it. Fantastic!

Hey Bert!
Hey Ernie!
Hey Big Bird!

Let’s all sing those ABCs together, infertility style!

A – Azoospermia (Help! You have no sperm!)
B – Being Barren
C – Cervical mucus (Your favorite type of mucus!)
D – Donor eggs (Whose your daddy?)
E – Eggs (Do not hard boil or scramble)
F – Failed IUI, failed IVF…ect…
G – Getting pregnant naturally (Tell us your secret!)
H – Heal my hymen, doctor!
I – In vitro fertilization me!
J – Jiggly breasts (Early pregnancy symptom?)
K – Kegel exercises (No need to hit the gym!)
L – Loopy for Lupron!
M – Male factor infertility is awesome!
N – Negative pregnancy tests (Save your money. Their always negative!)
O – Ovulation predictor kits
P – PCOS, Progestrian and periods rock!
Q – Quack (Aka your fertility doctor)
R – Rip roaring baby-making sex! (Not as fun as it sounds)
S – Semen analysis cup (Do not drink!)
T – Two week wait (It’s definitely not worth the wait!)
U – Urology appointment (Help us, Doctor Balls!)
V – Varicocele veins (Stop heating up that sperm!)
W – When are you going to get pregnant? (World’s best question)
X – X-ray that scrotum!
Y – Yes! (You’re still not pregnant!)
Z – Zygote, where are you?

photo: here