The F word. A word you don’t say in public but you’ll shout at your husband at least once a week. Fertility You!
When you first started trying, you found support in your friends. They would ask about your fertility problems and give you a shoulder to cry on.
But one by one, they got bit by the stork and you started confiding in them less and less. Then they became afraid to talk to you about it. The truth is you don’t mind talking about it (but it really depends on the day), and they seem very afraid to bring up the F word. You both now talk around it. When you get together, they cautiously hint at topics about infertility but will rarely bring it up directly.
In fact, they now speak to you in code:
“I heard your cousin is pregnant” – this means “Are you pregnant yet?”
“How are things?” – this means “Are you pregnant yet?”
“Did you see that new movie yet?” – this means “Are you pregnant yet?”
Your friends mean well, they really do, and you can tell their really trying to be sensitive about your situation. But sometimes they should just blurt out “IT’S BEEN 4 YEARS ALREADY, WHY IN THE WORLD AREN’T YOU PREGNANT YET? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?”
I’m sure that will make you both feel better.
You have a great sense of humor. A few of my friends are in the midst of infertility and I am very cautious about asking them how they are doing – recalling how much I hated it when people used to ask me. It's a challenge trying to be supportive while also giving the other person space.
I just started back at work after having the summer off (I'm a teacher), and I thought the "so…how are things?" question implied that they were wondering how we were doing fertility-wise. But then I thought maybe I was reading more into it. Just because I am fertility-obsessed, doesn't mean they are! And I also don't know how much people want to know. I'm OK with telling them everything, but I don't know if they are OK with hearing it.
–Julie
(And I can't figure out how to not post anonymously. I've tried using google, livejournal, and name/url, but none of them work for me.)
Julie- click on name/url to add a comment.
I HATE the "how are things?" question. If I had a dime for every time my MIL asked me that since my m/c I would be a wealthy woman.
i hate the "how are things" q. that means i get to feel like the village idiot, while people get bored, or feel like i am speaking another dialect to them, while i tell them…just why i am not pregnant right now…i hate telling the story…sometimes i wish i wrote it down so i could just hand it out when they asked so i could walk away.
I was just telling my hubby tonight how lonely I felt. I feel like I lose a friend everytime they get pregnant. It's not that I am avoiding them but I can't talk about it without crying and I don't want to spoil their time to be happy so I sort of disappear. I don't know how to tell them telepathically that I want to just talk about tv, burritos, little green men or anything but ttc. Since I can't talk about it without crying I just walk away. That is my own fault but I think we have to carry so much of a burden already. I have few fertile friends left who can spend time with me that is not pity time. I'm sick of pity.
junebug you are not alone!! I could have written your post word for word.
Beth
How about "any news?" Love that one.