Apr 11
Dear well-meaning family, friend and oblivious co-worker,
We do not appreciate your well-meaning advice on how to get pregnant but please don’t give us advice if:
- If you think the word ovulation is actually called ovulactation.
- If you don’t know what ovulation is.
- If you can’t say the word “semen analysis” without bursting into giggles.
- If you’ve never heard of an embryo or the drug Clomid.
- If you recommend a medication for PCOS and I don’t have PCOS.
- If you rip out newspaper articles for me about infertility and then tell me to give that a try.
- If you remind me that I am getting older.
- If you advise me to drink more water while doing IVF when we are actually doing an IUI.
- If you tell me I should start thinking about adoption.
- If you tell me that it will happen and you can’t give me the exact date.
Thanks again for your useless helpful advice.
Best Wishes,
Your Pregnancy-Challenged Gal
would love to send this to some people…
OOOH and don’t forget “Just relax and it will happen”
how about-
“Im about four seconds away from round-house kicking you in the face if you tell me to RELAX one more time!!!!”
Don’t forget the best advice: you just have to relax and stay positive! Really? Once you’ve walked a day in my infertile shoes THEN tell me to relax and stay positive! I’m loving this blog!!!
Yep. Just, yep.
My parents totally don’t get the whole “infertility thing”, even after I explained it to them and I’d love to send them this letter with a few added points. For example, it doesn’t make me feel any better when you send me baby diaper coupons in the mail. Ummm, don’t I have to get pregnant first and give birth to a baby before I could use the coupons? And, won’t they coupons expire by then?
“If you tell me that it will happen and you can’t give me the exact date” – HA! I divide this (large) group of vague well-wishers into two categories: (1) those who don’t have enough information to know what you’ve really been through (maybe you mentioned your IF to them in passing or answered and innocent question), and they are genuinely hopeful for you and want to sound positive. If it’s a good day (i.e., no PMS or hormone drugs), I give them a pass. (2) those who know you’ve been trying for 3, 5, 10 years, have had multiple surgeries and batteries of tests, have been on or are on crazy drugs, and have reached the end of your savings and/or sanity. They have no reason to believe that it will happen and they know it. Therefore, YOUR life will not be improved, as they are aware, by hanging onto hope for something that actually may not happen. But having to stare in the face the fact that you may have to live without something they take for granted is really, really uncomfortable for them. So they say “it will happen” even though they don’t even BELIEVE that, because that way they can breeze away, pretending to be hopeful for you, rather than being with you where you are in life. These people I write off as friends.
Sorry for the rant
misfit – i have TOTALLY written off a bunch of “friends” who just.didn’t.get.it – even after my miscarriage, i was getting “so, you trying again?” emails – seriously??? i wanted to stangle them!
oh, how about this one – “oh, you’re so lucky because now you won’t have to worry about funding any college educations” and then them going on and on about the struggles of parenting….GAH!
(ok, now MY rant is done 
)
How about “What do you mean you’re not ovulating? You have your period, that means you’re ovulating! You can’t have a period without ovulating! Your doctor is WRONG!”
I asked to see her medical degree. Note: NEVER ask a friend who’s actively cutting your hair if you can see her medical degree. That’s a lesson you only have to learn once.
I totally agree with you misfit! I am so sick of people telling me it will happen someday. Lately, when someone says that, I immediately ask them if they can guarantee it. When they say, no, then I tell them not to say that anymore since it isn’t true. That usually shuts them up.
I often tell people “who died and appointed YOU prophet?” when they say “it’ll happen”
“It will happen when you least expect it! My aunt’s best friend’s cousin’s neighbors tried for years and years and finally they adopted and boom! She got pregnant! It happened when they weren’t even trying!! Just relax….stop trying so hard…… ”
Thank you so much for that advice! I have NEVER EVER HEARD THAT BEFORE!!!!! I’m going to go home right now, start the adoption process and then plop down on the couch with my feet up! I’ll bet I will be pregnant before nightfall!!!!!!
One thing I enjoy about blog articles is this: they spark an idea in my mind. The moment that happens, I feel as I have to respond wishing it can be pleasant to other people. Considering the fact that there are so many personal blogs with many different points of view, they encourage your comprehension. It really is at these moments when you have fantastic insignt the rest might not have had, along with the blogger him/herself. I find myself coming back to to your weblog only because you have lots of tremendous insights and you are already at this a very long time, that’s very impressive and tells me you know your stuff. Keep provoking imagination in other people!
Many women in our group of friends are pregnant right now or just getting pregnant, except me of course. I just found out that my best friend is pregnant too. My husband and I have tried for almost five years now. We found out two years ago that he has a low count and I have “ovulatory dysfunction.” As they say at the doctor’s office…a double whammy.
Anyhow, I’ve been getting the same responses and “words of encouragement.” I especially want to tell those people who say that “so-and-so adopted or stopped trying and boom they got pregnant.” First of all, not everyone has the same situation. Maybe it worked for them, but I and many others have been told that they will never get pregnant with-out some sort of assistance. So stop the BS already!
To the folks who say “it will happen” how the hell do you know!?! Maybe it will and maybe it won’t. I don’t get to angry at these folks because they’re just trying to be positive. My mother is included in this group. I’m really lucky to have an aunt has been extremely supportive as she has gone through it all to end up with two children who are both adopted. She almost didn’t get them because of her cancer history.
The thing that really bothers me the most is when my husband gets angry that we just can’t get pregnant and everyone else has it so easy. Especially now that so many of our friends are having children. I try to remind him that not everyone has it so easy, there are many people out there who are in the same position we are. So to all of you out there who are dealing with infertility, we understand and support you.
Charlotte, I totally feel for you. We have “unexplained infertility.” Translation: Something it wrong, they don’t know what it is.
We just got the news last night that my husband’s brother’s wife is pregnant with their second child. I took the news way better than I did two years ago when I heard they were having their first. That was when I first found out about our infertility. Funny thing is, my husband took it so hard this time. I found myself consoling him, which is a big switch. It was kind of nice to see him react that way, it made me feel a little less guilty about the way I reacted two years ago (crying, and saying sort of mean things which I regret). I have been feeling quite alone in this battle, but seeing my husband’s reaction really helped me feel like we are a team. Also, reading other people’s stories on this site has been very helpful to me. It has been great to be able to laugh about it. What a concept!!!!
1st Miscarriage sister in law told me I was lucky to not be pregnant, because surprise she was. Just because she was sick for five months it was still very insensitive. 2nd miscarriage(she had gone on to have yet another kid) You can come and play/watch mine. also during this time my “best friend” since birth said “Oh well I guess I won’t tell you MY news…” 3rd miscarriage-”Oh, I’m ACTUALLY pregnant. Again… Ughh… and I am supposed to be nice to this person? Is it possible for these people you call friends and family to show a modicum of sensitivity?
Anyway other than that my husband and I are indefinitely postponing our attempt at producing a little us. We have been on this train for a long grueling 5 years, and I believe many negatives and three “worst days of my life” I have finally reached my stop. I believe at some point I will try try again… but being that I’m only 24 and we have had so much trouble I think we should hit the brakes and maybe start a savings account?
I came over from Busted Kate’s blog and this post rings so true! I have PCOS and went through 2 rounds of IVF and then conceived my daughters. They are 4 now. But I can remember feeling all these things like it was yesterday….
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I would include a few additional points (actually these are the first that spring to my mind since I find them the least helpful):
but please don’t give us advice if:
- you conceived your children at the first, second or third attempt
- you conceived your children on holiday (it was not because of holiday but because you are healthy you moron!)
- you don’t believe in infertility (ohhhhhhh yes, there ARE such people. usually the two kinds I just mentioned above)
- you know nothing about fertility apart from: unprotected sex = pregnancy
- you use 6 kinds of contraception at the same time just to be sure (there is no way we can understand each other)
Some people can be so damn insensitive. sometimes would like to strangle those who tell you to “relax and give it some more time”. And those who tell you to “it’s okay not to have kids..don’t fret too much”…aaaarggghhhh!!!!!
I would include a few additional points (actually these are the first that spring to my mind since I find them the least helpful):
but please don’t give us advice if:
- you conceived your children at the first, second or third attempt
- you conceived your children on holiday (it was not because of holiday but because you are healthy you moron!)
- you don’t believe in infertility (ohhhhhhh yes, there ARE such people. usually the two kinds I just mentioned above)
- you know nothing about fertility apart from: unprotected sex = pregnancy
- you use 6 kinds of contraception at the same time just to be sure (there is no way we can understand each other)
Some people can be so damn insensitive. sometimes would like to strangle those who tell you to “relax and give it some more time”. And those who tell you to “it’s okay not to have kids..don’t fret too much”…aaaarggghhhh!!!!!
I totally agree with you misfit! I am so sick of people telling me it will happen someday. Lately, when someone says that, I immediately ask them if they can guarantee it. When they say, no, then I tell them not to say that anymore since it isn’t true. That usually shuts them up.
would love to send this to some people…
A good friend of mine, (who has two beautiful boys), can relate to us apparently as she is mourning for a girl, oh bless her, how awful she must feel. And the same person suggested we do it more often and maybe thats the problem. Oh my god, how I didnt fork my tongue and swipe it round her a head a few times. Needless to say we dont see each other so much these days and now I dont get invited to her children parties. Are they worried I might steel one!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Would it be alright if I refer to your website, from my website? I’m planning to round up as many bits of relevant information as I can.
And has anyone tackling low sperm count not heard … “it only takes one!” with a slightly sorry looking smile an a tilted head???
The one I hate to hear the most is: “Just take home my children for one night and you’ll change your mind about having your own kids.”. NO! I’ll just realize how much YOU SUCK at parenting!!
And along the same lines as the PCOS medication advice, please don’t offer to donate your eggs to me or to be a surrogate for us… especially after I tell you the issue is with my husband’s sperm!! FYI, a boatload of healthy eggs and a whole country full of surrogates won’t fix a low sperm count!!
@ K.N. I am so tired of hearing, “I’ll be your surrogate” or “you can have some of my eggs!” I feel like replying … “That’s not the issue, you idiot. Besides … excuse me for being a little selfish, but I want to grow a baby that is half mine & half hubby’s in my own body”!!! But I try to understand that they think they are being supportive.
I had a dream to start my firm, nevertheless I did not earn enough amount of cash to do that. Thank goodness my dude told to use the business loans. So I received the term loan and made real my desire.
When you’re in uncomfortable position and have no cash to move out from that point, you would have to receive the loan. Because that would help you emphatically. I get short term loan every single year and feel myself OK because of this.
Christy I love your comment and agree completely. Next time someone says that, I may just respond in exactly that manner!
It’s interesting that you think this way. I’m going to review some more of your posts, but so far I’m liking what i’m reading! Filter Shekan