The fertility clinic is a wonderful place. It is one of the only places you feel (somewhat) comfortable leaving completely embarrassing phone messages…. “Hello fertility clinic voice mail, this is Mrs. Ivy Fsucks calling. My discharge looks a little strange this morning and wondered if it was a drug side effect. Please call me back”

“Oh hi. This is Regina Wand calling. My left breast is heavier than my right one, and I wanted to know if that means I’m pregnant.”

Your clinic always tells you to call with questions and you do. Even against your better judgment, you leave messages about your vaginal suppositories, discharge, cervical mucus, the color of your urine and whether or not you can still have sex with your partner. Just ALWAYS make sure you call the correct number. Your dentist is not going to want to hear a phone message about your lady parts. Ever wonder why your fertility clinic hasn’t called you back yet? The nurses are probably flipping a coin to see who has to call back “My cervical mucus looks strange” girl. But they always call back so professionally even though you know they must be laughing under their breath. “Blue discharge is completely normal after taking that medication.” Nurse Uterus says but you know that she is smiling on the other end of the phone.

If only you could be that candid and honest with other phone messages. It would be great to leave a message for your hairdresser saying “I wanted to make an appointment for next week. I have severe dandruff.” Or the massage therapist: “I wanted to make an appointment for Saturday. I’m feeling bloated and I have a lot of gas.” Or the dry cleaner: “I’ll pick up my dress on Monday and I really hope you could remove that red period stain in the back area.” Or even your friend: “Sorry I didn’t call you back right away, Clara, but I was ovulating and had to have sex right away with my husband. Call me back!”

If only all phone messages were as honest and genuine as the fertility clinic messages, this world would be a better place.