Mar 28

Thinking about going to the gym to lose weight? Think again because infertiles have adopted the “crying hysterically to burn calories” diet! 

According to some (unreliable) websites, crying hysterically may actually help you burn calories! Wow. Another great reason to love infertility! Forget those squats, you might be able to burn the same amount of calories simply by looking at a negative pregnancy test and crying for hours! How does the diet work? It’s simple.

  1. Commit to crying at least twice an hour for a minimum of four days a week. 10 CALORIES
  2. To maximize calories, flail your arms in a circular and hysterical motion; throw yourself on the ground and blow your nose a lot to burn extra calories. 15 CALORIES.
  3. Make sure to breathe. Hyperventalating during emotional breakdowns will increase your heart rate. 10 CALORIES.
  4. Release all bodily fluids in excess to help burn excess pounds. Try having severe runny nose and big tears. Note, large amounts of snot and nasal drippage will release any excess liquid. 30 CALORIES.
  5. Keep it simple. Yelling, screaming and throwing things will exercise muscles. 30 CALORIES.
  6. Walk to the bathroom and check the toilet paper at least 15-25 times a day. 25 CALORIES.
  7. Make healthier food selections like crying in the organic section of the grocery store and throwing fruits, vegetables, whole grain cereals, low-fat products, and skinless poultry. 30 CALORIES.
  8. Avoid throwing foods that are high in fat and sugars. 5 CALORIES.
  9. Have a variety of emotional breakdowns in your nutrition plan. Start by crying in a fitness class or during a fertility clinic appointment.  40 CALORIES.
  10. Have realistic goals. Don’t just toss your negative pregnancy stick in the garbage. Try to rip it in half or hurl it through a glass window. 40 CALORIES.

The “crying hysterically to burn calories” diet really works! Just ask any fertility-medicated and bloated infertile.

17 Responses to “#784 Crying hysterically burns calories”

  1. Carolyn says:

    Love it! I’ll have to share this with DH–”crying is a good thing, honey, really!”

  2. happysmurf says:

    Ha HA HA x

  3. Amanda says:

    hmmm but all this is followed up by a large bowl (carton?) of icecream with chocolate syrup and peanut butter…. and peanuts on top for protein (hey, it’s carb-free… think it’s covered in the Atkins diet)

  4. My 2ww was rudely interrupted today by AF and now I feel a bit better b/c I realized how many calories I burned. Hahahaha. Got to try number 7.

  5. Reena says:

    perfect! I just burned off that extra cookie!

  6. mary v says:

    LOVE IT!!!!

  7. says:

    LOL!!! This one is great.

  8. Stephanie says:

    My poor DH doesn’t know what to do with me I’ve been crying so much lately, buh-bye calories!!

  9. Libby says:

    And God knows you need to burn off calories. I gained 20 pounds with those damn drugs.

  10. Brian says:

    I love it!

  11. Steve says:

    My 2ww was rudely interrupted today by AF and now I feel a bit better b/c I realized how many calories I burned. Hahahaha. Got to try number 7.

  12. That is true, I completely agree with you.

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  15. lilly adams says:

    Looking online for different dieting plans can become overwhelming. Check out They offer a free calorie counter that is really fun and easy to use.

  16. LT says:

    OMG I was crying like an animal after my latest BFN and actually decided to google “crying burn calories” and can’t believe I came across this page without even mentioning to google why I was crying! It’s Serendipity!

    I will now proceed to spend the evening reading all 999 reasons instead of doing anything productive.