That cutsy, pink invitation arrives in the mail and your heart drops. You know exactly what it is: the dreaded baby shower.
Thankfully, here are ten helpful tips for surviving the baby shower party:
1) Arrive in tears. You are going to spend most of the baby shower crying in the bathroom anyways so why not make it a public event? Start telling other guests about your struggles with infertility and don’t forget to be very detailed about ovulation and cervical mucus.
2) Tell the guest of honor she looks fat. Everyone might say to her “you look great” but why be like everyone else? You might want to tell her that you once knew someone who only gained 20 pounds during pregnancy.
3) Bring a cake that says: Congratulations! It took you less than a year to conceive!
4) Leave a negative pregnancy test and a package of birth control pills in her bathroom.
5) Spike the non-alcoholic punch and hand out cups to all the kids and the guest of honor (Don’t feel badly. I’m sure in some countries one glass of wine during pregnancy won’t hurt).
6) Introduce inappropriate party games including “Guess the baby daddy” and “pin the tail on the cervix.”
7) For your present, give the guest of honor a couple shirts that say “world’s worst mother” and “number #1 slut.”
Offer to write down who gave what gift. Then mix it up! Oops!
9) Yawn loudly during present opening and ask if you can take a nap in her bed.
10) Put a sign on her front door saying “Baby shower canceled due to marital break-up.”