1. I heard about this lady who got implanted with the wrong embryo. Did that happen at your fertility clinic?
The thought has crossed your mind a million times that your clinic could implant the wrong sperm or egg. After all, your little eggies and his not-so-fast sperm are outside your body and hanging around a lab room. You’ve heard stories where a fertility doctor was sued because she implanted the wrong embryo into the wrong uterus. But unless your future baby comes out a completely different color, speaks a foreign language or looks exactly like the other couple doing IVF at the same time as you, then you’re keeping the baby. Hell, you’ll keep the baby regardless.
2. You can have one of my eggs!
First of all, thank you for the pretend offer. If you really mean it, then you will inject yourself with fertility drugs for 4-6 weeks, feel swollen and bloated, and then retrieve your eggs under general anesthesia. Second of all, I’d rather use my own, better-looking DNA. I’d rather my children not inherit your extra large forehead. Third, the only eggs I’ll take from you are the one’s in your fridge. The Omega threes. Thanks again for the pretend offer but I’ll pass.
3. We just relaxed and it just happened!
Neat-o, for you! I’ll ask my doctor if relaxing will improve my disgruntled uterus, my lack of fallopian tubes and my rapidly maturing eggs.
I bought you a congratulatory cake in honor of your pregnancy!
4. I am going to announce my pregnancy at your birthday party next week!
Tell me right before you are going to make your announcement and I’ll smash the cake in your face. The photos will be priceless!
5. Did you ever try Clomid?
Do you even know what Clomid is? If you can tell me what Clomid is used for, then I’ll be impressed.
6. My cousin’s neighbor’s friend did IVF. Do you want her phone number?
Sure. I’d love to call up a complete stranger and talk about my personal fertility issues. (Ring, Ring. Hello? Hi. You don’t know me but I got your number from someone I don’t know either. My husband has low sperm motility and we are going through IVF right now. Want to chat about it over coffee and a butter tart?).
7. I found your fertility medication in the fridge and I accidentally threw it in the garbage. Is that a problem?
I found a wad of twenty dollar bills in your wallet and did the same. Is that a problem?
8. Do you want to come salsa dancing after your IUI procedure?
During my two week wait, I don’t want to shake my belly or move my body at all. I would like to stay still for exactly ten days straight whether it’s logical or not.
9. You don’t look pregnant.
Never tell an infertile that she doesn’t look pregnant. She wants to be pregnant. She wants to look pregnant. She wants to feel that she could be pregnant. Telling her she looks a bit fat this month will make her happy.
You must be really proud of your son, Aunt Gerta
10. When I was your age, I had four children by now.
That’s just wonderful, Great Aunt Gerta, but I wouldn’t be so proud of yourself. Your children didn’t turn out that great. Debbie had a kid at 15 years old; Patsy married her first cousin; Billy-Bob won a hot dog eating contest four years in a row, and isn’t Lenny a full-time juggler? Again, congratulations on procreating.
Love #4! IT’s as if you read my mind! My bridezilla cousin (who got knocked up eight effin months after her wedding) gave birth 2 days before my 30th birthday. Oh, and did i mention that she registered for only the most expensive/designer of baby shower crap including a 350 dollar rocking chair and a 300 dollar nursing pump. Day of my birthday, she comes home from the hospital and i get to hear all the glorious details about how her vaginal delivery went, how her milk is coming in, etc. Given that we were never close as teens or women, the cake smashing sounds like a great idea.
A sort of subplot to this (and I guess my own reason to laugh at infertility) I started my new round of Dostinex for prolactinemia. Side effects: may cause dizziness. Sometimes it feels like the friggin Jimi Hendrix experience for me!
Love #5!! But I think my favorite is “but you’re so lucky! You get to sleep in and you save so much on groceries, etc”
Not to mention…
“There’s always adoption!”
“Oh really?? Thanks, NEVER even thought of that…”
“So…have you guys been trying?”
“Nope, must’ve been doing it wrong.”
“You can just have on of my children”.
“Don’t want yours…thanks though for the insensitive offer!”
Lol…blows my mind somethings people say!
Hahaha, your posts never get old. Never.
Bahahahahahahaha! Love!!!!!
Very nmie great!
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Very nice great so nice great!
love the list! i have already had #2, #3 and #5 said to me….but to this day my fav is when this woman keeps telling me “you’ve been married 1.5 yrs already, you really shouldnt wait to have children. you should start having them right away.” in my mind, I am like really?!…thanks for your input. i’ll be sure to tell my husband you said that! …indeed, the things ppl say…
“Have you thought about adoption?”
“Are you going to give me the $25,000 for it?”
Then they go on this tangent about adoption, as if they’re some sort of spokesperson. Ironically the ones that suggest adoption always have a couple of biological children.
I laugh in the face of those who suggest Clomid. They are under the false assumption that it’s some sort of pregnancy pill.
Oh yes, I’ve had a whole book of “helpful” comments thrown at me. The worst offenders are those with the sympathetic eyes and the sympathetic head tilt who ask you “how are you” whilst all the time looking at my belly.
Or how about those who ask “have you been trying” – no you idiot. I’m just lounging about on my couch waiting for a baby to magically appear in my uterus.
I’ve had number 3, 5, 6 & 10 thrown at me. Whenever I see one of “those people approaching me I pre-empt them with – “yes I have tried Clomid and no I do not want your neighbour’s sisters aunts phone number. As for relaxing – well you try being poked, prodded and squeezed without so much as a promise of dinner and see you f***ing relaxed you are.”
When I want to strangle someone is when I’m about to start, or have started an IVF cycle and they say “what happens if this doesn’t work? Will you try again?”
REALLY? I’m doing this in the utmost hope that it WILL work. It’s the lottery I love to play. Please be supportive with this and not look to the what if.
From my MIL: “I just blinked and I was pregnant”; “Just trust God”; “Just stop trying, stop thinking about it, and it will happen.”
From a friend at work: “[Garish story about her friend's late-term miscarriage], so it could be worse.”
From 90 percent of the people I talk to, 100 percent of whom have zero adopted children: “Well, there’s always adoption.”
Did my first HSG test today. The doctor came in looked at me and said, “Wow you don’t look like a PCOS patient. Have you ever had facial hair?”
I decided not to tell him about this one black hair that keeps poping up underneath my chin.
Personally, I’m stating to get sick of people telling me about their cousin/friend/neighbor that was also going through infertility and now has 8 kids.
@SisterK- those ‘cousins/friends/neighbors that were going through infertility probably only had to try for less than a year. A lot of my friends think they know someone who went through infertility too. They had ‘given up hope’ then FINALLY concieved after 8 excruciating months. After my last failed iui, a friend was telling me about her difficulties getting pregnant with her #1. To quote, “Those two months were some of the most frustrating times we’ve had!”
And for all the people who say, “just adopt, then it will happen!” My ovaries aren’t waiting til I adopt a baby to all of a sudden start producing eggs…my body doesn’t work that way.
Ahhhhh….to be that naive about infertility again…..It’s hard to be patient but I just keep reminding myself that they have no idea about what to say/not say because they haven’t been in this situation and if I never went through this I might say those things too.
Hubby and I have been trying for 20 frustrating cycles and still no results. I am hitting my mid-to-late 30s, so I know time isn’t on my side. We never told a soul that we’re trying, because I do not want the additional pressure of someone else knowing and then constantly asking “So, are you pregnant yet?” My sister-in-law (who’s incredibly fertile and has already pumped out three very healthy, beautiful children) innocently asked me infront of everyone at Thanksgiving: “So, when will you guys try for a baby? Your time is running out, girl. Tick, tock, tick, tock.” (mimicking the sound of my biological clock). I secretly wanted to shove those Thanksgiving stuffing down her face.
I just had my first round of Femara and IUI. I need positive thoughts and lots of baby dusts. Thanks everyone!
Bahahahaha! This is one of your best, Naomi! I LOVED #2. “Thanks for the pretend offer”–exactly!!!!!!
Relaxing is totally going to make my PCOS riddled ovaries ovulate too, right??!!!
My God, these were all right on…the Clomid one, the one about calling a stranger….fantastic
OMG THIS PAGE IT’S SO FREAKING AMAZING JAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJAJAJAAJA I CAN’T STOP LAUGHING,YOU’RE A GENIUS!! I’m sorry that this jokes are based on real cases…really,but your sense of humor is really great
Kisses from Uruguay!