Your friend just had a baby.
You are soooo happy for her even if it only took her one month to get pregnant. You are definitely 90 percent genuinely happy for her and 10 percent envious. After all, she is your BFF, you should feel happy for her.
When you first found out she was pregnant, you cried. Your tears were 99 percent excitement for her and 1 percent tearful jealousy. She tried to break the news gently but you sweetly said “forget about it. I am so genuinely happy for you.” Even as her belly grew and you planned her baby shower, you were still soooo happy for her. Maybe 80 percent happiness and 20 percent jealousy. But of course, no one wants to hear that you’re jealous, so you just kept that part to yourself. You watched her post her “Bump Alert” photos on Facebook and felt obligated to comment on each photo so you weren’t the jealous infertile friend. “OMG, your belly looks sooooo cute!” “Look at how perky your breasts are!” Each time you saw her, you asked the customary “can I touch your belly?” question.
You were so freakin’ happy for her. Definitely 70 percent happiness, 20 percent jealousy, 5 percent guilt for feeling envious and 5 percent anger towards her for getting pregnant before you. Baby arrives. You feel genuine excitement and call up everyone to spread the happy news. You don’t feel a hint of jealousy. Well. Maybe only 40 percent. But the rest is genuine happiness, you promise.
photo: here
Perfect. Right on time. And thanks for adding the percentage about guilt for feeling envious. That completely describes how I felt when those ultrasound pictures came in my inbox today from one of the sweetest people I know.
LOL! Yeah, sadly pretty accurate.
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So very true….
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Wow..hit the nail on the head!
Just found your blog and ouchie, it's like someone saw right into my head:) Not at the baby shower stage yet but it's already 80/20. Is that bad?
Fast forward to baby's first birthday when you STILL aren't pregnant…down to 50/50?
Great post, Naomi. It's SO normal for us to feel jealous and resentful of pregnant women. It's important NOT to beat ourselves up for feeling that way. It's okay to feel what we feel…
I am THAT woman.
The pregnant one.
And I have a friend who has been trying and trying…
and then I get pregnant.
This post was really beautiful…and honest.
While I can not understand what it feels like to see everybody's belly growing but mine, I do understand jealousy.
I think we all do.
Fine line between the "happy for others, and not so happy for me" feeling.
Well said.
I think it's the other way around for me… 80% jealously, 20% happiness. At least for certain friends…
Oh so true! I hate being jealous and envious, but that is who I've become. A genuinely happy for them, jealous friend! Don't think I have it in me to plan a baby shower though…yikes! That would cause a meltdown and I'm shooing those away for a while
Thanks for posting…love it!
Andrea
ps You always get it right!
this made me almost cry. its so true. except my guilt for feeling jealousy is a little higher. i feel soooo bad for my jealousy sometimes. i really do.
I don't think I could do it. I choked through every "how's your sister's pregnancy? oh she's pregnant again just as her first is 9 mos. old" conversation with my BFF. I keep praying for a separate ultrasound lab so I can stop sitting with the 5 other very pregnant women who are waiting there.
haha… That's so true. Love your posts!
I think the term "jealous infertile" is redundant. Of course we're jealous! We're freakin' infertile!
so true…100%
perfect post. i have found my feelings often hinge on how "aware" said friend is of the dynamic. the more she complains openly about the "woes of pregnancy," the less my "genuinely happy" number increases. i. am. a. horrible. person. thanks for the good laugh!
i just experienced my full on 100% jealousy to a friend being pregnant. i am usually happy for them. really. this time, not so much.
My sister got pregnant after only 3 months of trying… I've been trying for 3 years!! Her husband and her rjust happen to be living with us, to make matters worst. She is due in April and it is so hard not to be jealous. And to top it off, her baby shower is on my birthday! Guess who's gonna be an emotional wreck??
My friend & I have both been trying forever & both have had mcs…I got pregnant & it has been healthy thus far (i'm 10.5 wks) & it's hard because I know what she's going through with me being pregnant & yet I don't want to miss out on any of the happiness of being pregnant. It's such a hard comprimise. Really hard.
My awesome and wonderful sister-in-law have been going through infertility problems (her way longer than i) and this website was found at the perfect time. This post is perfect b/c yesterday I found out my other sister-in-law is pregnant the natural way… it was devestating to find out. Thank you for helping me with the laughter!
My best friend is pregnant now after 1 month of trying…and this post rang very true to me. I am sooo happy for her..but like you said there is a % of me that is jealous and evious. i wish I wasn’t. She just posted the baby bump pics at 5 months this week…
Love this site! The things you say are exactly how I’m feeling 20 months into my fertility struggle. Just started a blog as a way of venting my frustrations.
Thank you for this blog! Thank you very much!
I am glad I found all of you! I am miserable…I had one miscarriage early last year, nothing happened since so to make the story short, it was a miracle that we even managed to get pregnant the first time around ( and miscarried), as my husband’s sperm results are so poor…all of them- I would have sworn it was a mailman that got me pregnant last year… Just kidding…:).Well, currently, I am dying of guilt. There are a couple of women that I dislike, as they were very mean to me and the others in the past, and that are pregnant! I catch myself wishing them to lose the pregnancy, even though I really do not…It is not babys’ fault, I know that. I just cannot stand looking at their happy smile, as it feels like an insult right now. God Help me, I am not an evil person, I always try to help others, and would never hurt anyone…So, I am horrified that I have feelings like that!!!!!!! I feel like the worst person in the world, like a piece of scam! How can I even think like that? It is just that I am suffering so much at this time, and am really depressed due to our situation…and then I see mean people pregnant more than once, just like that! Plus, every time I get a baby shower invitation, I cry..I keep telling myself how it is not fair, but then I remind myself that life is not supposed to be fair anyways…Good luck to all, and thank you for reading my thoughts and feelings!
I’m the friend that got preggo the month after getting married and now again by accident. My bff has been trying for 3 years and I feel really badly
Almost guilty for getting pregnant. On the other hand I am devastatingly hurt that she doesn’t want to have much to do with my 1st child and can’t help but think that if she truly cared for me she wouldn’t want to be so distant. This is just so difficult! I want to understand…but because I’m not in that situation I really cannot.
totally me too…seriously I don’t know how many of my friends get “knocked-up” without trying. I am so happy…but for me its envious….
hi im 34 and my partner is 46,we have a daughter 8 and in nov just i had a miscarrage,my ovulation is gone haywire since and im on my first round of clomid,i really feel for anyone who has major fertility problems,mine are very minor,but it annoys me so much when stupid women brag and boast that they only have to look at their husbands bits and get pregnant,have a bit of consideration for the ladies who have problems,and those who brag you should feel guilty,next time when you want to get pregnant you might not be so smug and get pregnant so quickly,my 44 yr old sister announced she is pregnant and i feel that so unfair,im not happy for her as we dont speak and i dont like her as a person,im not going to pretend to be happy,nor am i going to let it eat me up inside as its not going to help me,if someone boasts about getting pregnant so easily to a friend who is having fertility problems shame on you,you should keep it to yourself,and dont expect the other person to be all dancin and prancing around you either,if i had a friend that did that i would give her a wide berth as she isnt a friend to rub salt in the wounds and to pretend she feels guilty for gettin pregnant,im well able to read between the lines on that,i know myself i will get pregnant soon as my problems are very minor,but one thing is for sure i wont brag or boast to women who have problems,,,babydust to any women their with problems,and people who need to brag about getting pregnant so easily isnt a real friend as i always say what goes around comes around
So true. On first announcement I normally manage to hold my self together for just long enough that I can get out of the room politetly. I then hide myself in the toilet for 10 minutes, trying to pull myself together and hoping my mascara doesn’t run and give me away. Then return to the room to apologise and congratulate them again! It takes so much effort to be happy for everyone else, whilst feeling pretty shitty yourself, and then you feel bad for feeling bad!
Strangely enough, I don’t feel jealousy in this situation–I mostly feel angry at God for being so unfair! I’m only jealous/bitter when someone I don’t like gets pregnant, as in “Why did that bitch deserve to get pregnant?” It really depends on the person, for me.
My best friend & her husband (while starting to giggle) told my husband & myself that they are pregnant after 1 week of ‘trying’ well my very first few feelings were jealousy,sadness, anger & then finally happiness for them.
These feelings were a real shock to me! I wish more than anything that my first reaction would have been happiness & excitement.
My husband and i have been trying to fall pregnant for years and not even a miscarriage – NOTHING! (it is really sad to wish for a miscarriage so you knew at least something was working).
I believe when my best friend told me, if she had acknowledged our struggles and not kept emphasizing that it had happened only after a week & that he must have ‘really good swimmers’ (which felt like a bit of a slap in the face) I could have felt happiness for them instead of jealousy. But i think it is hard for fertile people to understand the emotions.
My husband & i are booking ourselves in to the doctors after the new year & hopefully we will be able to figure out what is going on with us And then hopefully all these awful jealous feeling will go away Because i can tell you i am really not looking forward to all her pregnancy updates and that is really sad that i feel that way. I feel like a bad person