May 27

What did he really think it would be like? Hugh Hefner’s mansion?

Your husband ‘came’ back from his semen analysis test and informed you that it was not even close to what it is on television – there was no porn, no hot movies or dirty magazine, nothing to turn him on in the slightest. Even Chandler on Friends read a dirty magazine during his ‘release.’ No such luck gentleman! Your reading materials will include the local newspaper or perhaps a woman’s knitting magazine, if you’re lucky.
According to my husband (who has enjoyed 2-3 semen tests to date and more to ‘come!’), he probably went to his appointment too early in the morning and had to sit in an uncomfortable waiting room with a bunch of uncomfortable looking men (and only a couple of very nice wives. You were not one of them). A nurse gave him a cup, told him to go into a sterile looking room and do his business. Your husband was not happy with the ‘job he did’ but can you blame him? No one could do their best performance in those types of circumstances.
So you abstained from sex for 3 days for nothing?
If your husband is extra lucky, he will have to have multiple sperm testing. It won’t get any easier or less uncomfortable. We women have to do more of the hard work anyway. I would rather do the sperm test any day than have that erect-shaped wand inserted into me or a needle stuck in my behind. Isn’t a wand supposed to be like magic anyways? Work your pregnancy magic, oh mystical penis-shaped Wand!

11 Responses to “#980 Your husband’s sperm test was different than what he sees on TV”

  1. Jessica Loves Trevor (JLT) says:

    We watched the “Friends” episode with Chandler the week before, and DH was “thrilled” about his own. My RE had a “Husband Room” for this job. However, my husband was not pleased with it. The coffee table was sticky and he automatically assumed the worst. They did have porn but it was either “Black School Girl Sluts” or 80s low-budget style. LOL.

  2. Infertile "hoping to be fertile" Naomi says:

    A sticky coffee table is never good in that situation. Ha!

  3. ChristensenFamily says:

    My DH had it made… they gave me the cup and allowed us to bring the sample from home. It was a strange car ride though.. LOL you have to keep it body temperature (and it was January) so I had a cup full of his “little swimmers” tucked inside my coat all the way into town.

  4. Infertile "hoping to be fertile" Naomi says:

    I am also about to do the "sperm under the arm pit trick." Never thought I'd ever have to do this in my life! Sticky arm pit.

  5. Jenny H. says:

    The hospital also gave my hubby a cup to take home…so long as it was brought back within an hour. Here's two funny parts to this story though:

    1) While getting the cup we ran into the sister of one of my best friends…the only person in the entire city we know and she just happend to be there in the same waiting room at the same time as he turned around with his little cup in hand!!! Needless to say he was a little red!

    2) we were both on vacation, so the next morning I was able to "help him provide the sample" since we were at home but it was very stressful and not so romantic…performing under pressure with a time-line is not his idea of a good time! Anyway, so after he finally "got the sample" we also had that awkward car ride to the hospital only to get there and have the nurse tell us that the lab is only open until 11am (it was noon!!!)…apparently in all the pressure we didn't read that part on the sheet and poor hubby had to go again three days later but I was at work and he had to go at it alone in the end anyway!!!

  6. foxypopcorn says:

    my love submitted his first 'sample' today. glad i read this last night and warned him not to expect any porn. turns out he had the privacy of the lab restroom. sexy!

    I am honestly not sure if i am hoping that the test comes out good or bad… of course i want it to be just fine, but it would also be a relief to know that this has been our problem so that we can focus on dealing with it. it is eating me up not knowing.

  7. Anonymous says:

    Our doctor actually did have a DVD but my DH said it was really not "good porn." Like what is GOOD porn?!?! LOL!

    The next time he had to perform we spent about two hours at an adult bookstore trying to find some better quality porn for him to sneak intp the room with him!

  8. Anonymous says:

    My hubby went for his test and couldn't "get in the mood" with the selection of materials there, so they gave him a doggy bag to take his cup home with him. Unfortunately, since the RE is two hours from home (and the sample must be taken in within 30 minutes) he had to go to my mom's house, which is in the same town as the RE, to provide the sample. Then, while at the crucial point in providing the sample he "missed"… so had to call and reschedule. Three more days of abstaining later and he got to repeat the ordeal, thankfully it was successful that time and he had great counts so won't have to repeat all that fun.

  9. Stacy says:

    Our RE has it’s own little collection room with a sink, a couch (covered with a sheet), and a magazine rack of porn. But instead of DH looking at some other naked woman in a magazine, I went into the room with him and gave him a little show. They gave us 30 minutes to collect, but he was done in less than 10. LOL!

  10. Marta says:

    @ Stacy, god bless you!!!! YOur post just made my day and had me laughing!!!! I think I should try that too!

  11. Sarah says:

    My poor DH had to perform under a towel in the front seat of the car next to a busy road…. We live three hours from the nearest clinic and it doesn’t provide space to do your business!!! I was the spy to ensure he didn’t get done for ‘indecent exposure’. :)I was proud he managed to get there with me urgently whispering, “Car coming on our left”. Plenty of laughing fodder. Even more to come when our shocking results were left on our voice-mail. Who wants to hear “No spermatoza present in the sample….” when you are checking your voice messages. Talk about compassion plus!!!
    This website rocks by the way. We’ve been laughing away together.