You know you’ve called your fertility clinic too many times when you’ve actually memorized their outgoing message.

You’ve reach the center for Pregnancy-Challenged Women and Azoospermia Men. Your message is important to us, although we never pick up the phone or call you back promptly.

Press one to leave a message for cycle monitoring, sperm wash, misshapen uterus’, tubes that won’t fallop, or PCOS-related mustaches.

Press two to leave a message for OHSS bloating, cancelled cycles where we will not give you your money back, or if you forgot to put your fertility meds back in the fridge and wondering if there are still good.

Press three to leave a message for any one of our friendly staff who will call you back at 4:59pm and not a second sooner.

Press four if you are calling to book or cancel an appointment. Please note that if you are a new fertility patient, speak slowly and try not cry into the phone.

If this is an emergency like ‘you are in your two week wait and you are experiencing the fake pregnancy symptoms,’ or your co-worker just announced a pregnancy, please call your nearest fertility therapist.

Wondering why your fertility clinic didn’t pick up the phone? Probably because you’ve already called about 100 times today. Fertility Tip: Block your phone number so they won’t know it’s you, and perhaps they will actually pick up the line.